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Q&A: How can you overcome your spouse’s fetish?

I love my husband and as his only outlet for sexual desire, I want to do anything that pleases him. But he has this thing for pantyhose. Every time we have sex he wants me to wear it and if I don’t wear it he has a hard time getting aroused… I feel a little offended. It’s as if my body isn’t sexy anymore without pantyhose. I want to be beautiful and sexy to him without anything on me, too.

This was a recent email that came from the “Got Questions” page.  I really don’t have much experience with fetishes in our sex life.   It does sound like he has developed a fetish with needing the pantyhose in order to get aroused.   Here are a few suggestions I have for you.  Other readers can chime in, too, with their experiences.

1.  Take some time (outside of the bedroom) to sit down and talk to him about it.  Make a coffee date or some time when intimacy isn’t at it’s highest.  Make sure that he hears that it really hurts you that he doesn’t find you attractive unless you have pantyhose on.   Tell him, “to me, it seems like the pantyhose are more important to you than I am.”  Give him time to think and give you a legitimate answer to why he needs them.  “I just do” isn’t good enough.   Has he seen it in porn?

2.  You may want to suggest that you both see a sex therapist together to find out the root of this fetish and what you can do to make sex a little more healthier for both of you.  On Christian Nymphos, we partnered with Dr. Lauren Jordan, a certified sex therapist, who operates out of the Dallas/Ft. Worth metroplex.  I have been to one of her seminars, and it is very enlightening.  A lot of people think that sex therapy is humiliating, but sometimes it really is helpful and necessary.   This might be a step in the right direction.

If you haven’t read them yet, here are a few articles from CN that cover the topic.

Fetishes  ~ Cumingirl’s

How Do I know What is Ok? ~ Cinnamonstick’s

Adding Spice – Where to Draw the Line ~ Peppermintgirl’s

Readers, do you have any other advice for this reader?

There’s an App for That

My dh and I both have Android phones.  I was amazed when he showed me how many different kinds of games and applications are on this phone!  So I started searching for some games at first….

My favorite games that I have downloaded are Draw Something,  Sodoku,  iSpadez, & Jewels.  I downloaded Hangman and Mole Mole for my daughter and we also downloaded Air Hockey.  Helps keep us busy on those long doctor office waits or when we are on the road.

I started finding more and more….Business apps… Quickoffice, post it notes, calculators and alarms, banking apps, several email accounts, Adobe readers, etc.  Social networks like Facebook.  WordPress so I can keep up with my favorite blog on my phone :-)   Goofy things, like Coin Flip to solve arguments between my two kids.   WebMD.  Kindles.  Amazon.com.   Flash Lights.  Navigation programs and Google maps.  Geico Brostache!  (HAHA…)

So once I got all these fun things, I got to thinking… I wonder if there is a menstrual calendar.  I am TERRIBLE about keeping one at home anymore and I hate putting it in my purse calendar (now, why do I need one in my purse when I can download one on my phone??)  So I did a search, and WOW, there was a menstrual calendar and calculator!  Awesome.  I can put in my menstrual dates in, and it gives me estimates of when I should ovulate and when I can expect my next cycle!  I can record temperatures in it for NFP if I so chose to do it.  I can notate when I ML to my hubby.  I can record doctor appointments…medications I am taking…. Record if and when I take an ovulation test or pregnancy test, moods, etc.   WOW!  All of this for FREE!  I am set!

But then it got me thinking more…. What else can I find on here related to sex?  So I head back to the Droid market and type in sex.   Paid and free apps … sex positions, sex offenders… sex dice…hmmm interesting….sex facts…. Cunnilingus 101…. Oh, a Magic sex ball…. Mobile vibrators (??) … sex stories… sex games….sex position of the day….explicit sex positions kinky foreplay….sexy texts… oh, my, there was SO MUCH.

Now here’s my question, though… my son also has a Droid phone.  He got my old one when we upgraded.  The more I looked at that list, I got to “Sexy Asian Girls”  Ummm.  I think this is one place where some discussion is needed.

We are in a world today where we are exposed to more sex in on our TV, in songs on the radio, on the internet…. And now on our iPhones and Droid phones as well.   The world in general is a very dangerous place for those who are struggling with porn.  Our kids can download this apps on their own phones.  People don’t think twice about sexting.  Did you know that I heard there is now an app where you can text a sexy or pornographic picture and it “self destructs in 10 seconds” after the text was opened?  No trace of the picture what so ever!  As technology gets greater, we get more temptations out there that we need to guard our hearts.  While some of these apps that I mentioned above may be harmless and useful, there are still others that we need to guard our hearts on.

If you have a phone where you can download these apps and carry them around on your phone, how do you feel about this?  What kind of apps are on your phone?  Have you downloaded any sex apps?  How do you guard your heart when there is so much temptation out there?   Let’s start a discussion on what we should be careful of and what is truly helpful.

Is it really the answer?

It must have been a hint from the Lord.   Recently I received not one, but two emails about divorce.

In this crazy day and age, divorce is so prevalent.  It is so easy to hire a lawyer and go your separate ways…that makes everything better, right?  Does it really make all the anger go away?  All the pain?  All the insecurity?  We live in such a me centered society, all that we ever think about is ourself, so why not be happier if we weren’t married to a problem anymore?

See, I come from a completely different mindset.  My parents currently have been married over 46 years.   They have had their share of ups and downs.  My dad’s unemployment could have done it in just that!  But they have never sought a divorce over anything.  My DH and I… when I married him and signed on the dotted line on our marriage license, it wasn’t a contract to me… it was a covenant.  I made a covenant to my husband and to God.  Love, honor, cherish…in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until death do us part.    A life long promise to be faithful to him.  My kids, I guess because they see it in their friends, ask us if we’d ever divorce, and we both tell them that it is never an option for us.

The first email that came in was from Dr. Gary Chapman, from the 5 Love Languages.  Click here to see the full article, but the gist of it was someone asking why should you go through the hard work of fixing a broken and unsatisfying marriage.   I think to a lot of people who consider divorce, they think it is an easy fix, but it really isn’t.   If you are miserable now, and your divorce your spouse, won’t you take the miserableness into your next marriage?  What about if you have kids?  You’ll be yoked to your ex-spouse for a long time with kids.  And what about how the kids handle the divorce?  “Oh, they’ll be fine.”, but will they really be fine?  My kids don’t ever have to worry about us divorcing, but they are worried we would divorce…..  we underestimate the stress and pressure that us getting divorced cause on our children.   Divorce just isn’t an easy way to solve the problem.

The second email I got was from a devotional from Biblegateway.com called “Considering Divorce”  It used passages from Isaiah 40: 26-31.  Here’s the devotional and what it says….

“Does your marriage seem hopeless? Perhaps you’ve tried and tried, yet nothing has changed. You’ve pleaded with God to fix the problems, but he doesn’t seem to be listening. So you’ve decided to solve it on your own. You feel you have no choice but to get out of the marriage. Don’t give up! God is bigger than your problems. In very few cases does God condone divorce. In the majority of struggling marriages, God will make a way if you will wait for him. You may feel as if he doesn’t see your struggle, but he does. He will give you strength to fight for your marriage.”

I bolded the middle section on purpose.  It applies to everything in our lives.  Reminds me of the first Veggie Tales video I ever saw….the video “Where is God when I am scared”, there was one of those catchy songs that sticks in your head…. “God is bigger than the boogie man.  He’s bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV… oh, God is bigger than the boogie man and he’s watching out for you and me.”   This is so true.  Why do we put God in a box and expect that he can’t help us…. or ever further down that road that he doesn’t want to help us or won’t help us.   That’s just crazy!!

So if you are hitting a really hard patch in your marriage, it isn’t the end of the road.   Pray about it and wait on the Lord.  He is listening, and he is going to help you.   Remember that his timing is not our timing.  Be patient.   Our strength will rise as we wait on the Lord.

Throwback Thursdays: In the Presence of Others

 

Here is an email we recently received:

My wife and I are newly weds and both have a large sexual appetite as well as being rather liberal which is why we love your site so much. We however don’t see the problem with having same room sex with other couples. In other words we have sex with our spouse but in the same room as other married couples doing the same. There is never any touching and my wife and I do not lust after the other couples. It simply heightens our pleasure and love to one another. What are other users thoughts on this?

I’ll let others chime in with their own comments at the end of this article, but for now, I’ll tell you what my thoughts are on this.

Hebrews 13:4 (NIV)
4Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

God commands us to honor the marriage bed between a husband and wife, and keep it pure. Inviting other people into your bedroom is not keeping it pure. It doesn’t matter that you aren’t physically touching these other people. Any time you are watching other people have sex, either in person, on tv, or even in your own mind… that is inviting others to become a part of your marriage bed, and that is immoral.

Engaging in this type of activity will also make it easier in the future, for you both to wonder about other things, such as swapping, having a “swinging” or “open” marriage, and group sex. All of those are sinful activities. It doesn’t matter if you both are consenting.

You said: “It simply heightens our pleasure and love to one another.” I do not understand this statement at all. How can watching other people have sex heighten the love that you feel for your spouse? That makes absolutely no sense to me. I can see how it would arouse you and make you horny, but that has nothing to do with the love you feel for your spouse.

My husband loves me and cherishes me. He does not want any other man to see my nakedness. My body is for him alone and his body is for me. If he wanted us to have sex in rooms with other couples having sex, it would make me feel cheap and degraded. It would make me wonder why I alone wasn’t good enough for him.

I would ask you both to really think about why you are doing this. You say you aren’t lusting, so then what is the point in doing this at all? Why the need to have others share in what should be the most intimate, loving, and private act between a husband and wife?

These are my thoughts on this issue, and I encourage anyone who wants to contribute to this discussion to leave your comments in the box below.

       original comments can be viewed here

Why Wait? The repercussions …

Jamie Lynn Spears got pregnant at age 16.  Bristol Palin was a pregnant teen.  MTV has a show called 16 and Pregnant.  Why is that even in this blog? Who cares, right? I think the biggest thing that disappoints me about this is the fact that the media and society glorifies premarital sex and having children out of wedlock. Kids are participating in sexual activities at an alarmingly younger age these days. Unfortunately, by not obeying God’s commands, society is placing a huge obstacle in the perfect gift that God has intended for married couples.

Did I wait? No. Do I regret it? Absolutely. Did it hurt my marriage bed? You bet. The most unfortunate part is that I came into my marriage with many partners in my past. Not just one, not two, but more than that. I had no clue what sex was all about when I lost my virginity at age 18. I had no idea that the thoughts and pain associated with that first partner and subsequent ones after that would really put a huge damper on my married sex life.

Neither my husband or I were virgins when we met. I think one of the first things that I did when I met him and I really started to have feelings for him, was to confess my past to him. Right up front, probably after a week or so of dating him. I wanted to put my past right out there so he could decide whether or not he wanted to pass me up for someone else. I had my bible with me that day because my past embarrassed the crap out of me. I read the part of the bible to him from John 8:1-11 where the woman was caught in adultery and she was about to be stoned. It reads….

But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

At that point a burden was lifted from me because he admitted his own indiscretions as well.

Did either of us go and sin no more? Nope. We decided to get married and moved in with each other….into a one bedroom apartment. We fooled ourselves into believing that we wouldn’t have sex with each other, but we did. Little teasings led to articles of clothing being removed, which led to the bedroom and sex. I think we did somehow manage to *not have intercourse* the month before our wedding day, but we really should have committed to remaining pure to each other until our wedding day. There are always ways to justify doing things in your mind. Satan loves to help us with that! Anything to get us to ignore God’s wishes and drag us into the pit with him. My justification? My husband lived in a rat hole apartment where gun fire was heard nightly, so I wanted him to live long enough to marry me. Could he have moved out and in with his parents? Probably, but we took the easy route to sin.

After we got married, sex was really good for 5 months. It was so good, we got pregnant right about the 5 month mark in our newlywed year. After our first born arrived, I lost my sex drive. Nope, don’t come within 10 feet of me. I am a Momma and Momma’s don’t have sex. I had no clue about all the hormones that were going through me and Satan found the perfect time to start all the lies he would feed me for the next 7 years or so. It started with the Momma thing and progressed to feelings of inadequacy about my postpartum body, I didn’t want him to see me naked, so my Granny jammies and panties started coming out of the dresser drawer. Then feelings of anger toward my husband and his incessant need for sex started coming out.. I didn’t look forward to going to bed at night. I didn’t want him to touch me. It didn’t just start out of the blue, it slowly festered within me until I realized that something was really wrong with me, but I didn’t know how to fix it and we couldn’t afford counseling. I really wanted another baby, but to make a baby, you have to have sex. Sex wasn’t for fun, it was for procreation…where did that one come from?? My husband finally agreed to have another baby and a few months later we were pregnant with number 2. Hormones again. I had trouble for the second time with breast feeding and was feeling really inadequate about not being able to provide what every mother in the universe can provide for their babies, but those same breasts were fascinations to my husband. He has always loved my breasts. I didn’t want him near them…they were for the baby. The lies continued to pile on. He was really at a point where he just wanted God to take his drive away. He would never leave me, but he couldn’t stand that a need that God had given him was not being fulfilled by the woman God intended for him. At this point, I broke down and realized that something needed to be done. I had read several books, and I started to understand more about how God had created my husband’s sex drive, it wasn’t something that he could turn off, and God truly intended it for our pleasure, not just his. I broke down crying out to God to change me to be the wife He intended for my husband. God knew I was ready to hear the truth and He started speaking to me about all the lies Satan had filled my head with. God, the voice of truth, started allowing me to see myself through my husband’s eyes. I realized I carried a lot of baggage and guilt about my past that was buried down deep, and God gently revealed to me that He had forgiven me, hubby had forgiven me, but I had never forgiven myself. When I finally gave my past over to God, I felt like a new woman. A completely new creation. The weight that was lifted from my shoulders made me feel lighter than air and I was a new sexual being as well. I call it my awakening….that’s what it felt like. My sex drive had been asleep for a very long time, and God awakened it. I loved it!

My past….well, it’s in the past, but it’s also in the Sea of Forgetfulness. God remembers it no more, so I do not dwell upon it. I have forgiven myself and I have vowed to work with my 2 blessed children so that they will learn from my mistakes. Will I tell them everything? No. Will I tell them that being promiscuous was the biggest regret I have ever had in my life? You bet. You cannot rewind time and go back and change things that are in the past. You can learn from your mistakes, repent and sin no more. I treasure my relationship with my husband and I thank God on a daily basis for giving me such a loyal and loving soulmate. He is the Lover in my life that is spoken of in Song of Solomon. The true spice in my life.

 

God, Why Are You Tempting Me?

Have you ever asked that question?  Do you know of anyone who feels that God tempts them with things?

One of my most favorite books in the Bible is the book of James.  I just love how he tells it like it is.  There is no sugar coating on James’ words in this book!  I was reading tonight in my favorite book, and I read this….

When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. (James 1:13-15)

I am reminded by this verse of an email we got once about the strong temptations that one reader was having in regards to staying pure.   This reader was asking for our help and suggestions for what to do and how to set boundaries.   There are some people in this world who give in to the temptation to have premarital sex and blame this strong desire to have relations with their fiancee’ (or fiance’) on God.  It must be God that is tempting me to defile my future marriage bed.   Why would God tempt me with sex when I know that he wants me to remain pure?   Dear one, it isn’t God that is tempting you.  It is Satan.   Take a look at the verse again.  James tells us that God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone.   So why do we blame it on God?

Because it is what Satan is telling us to do.

Remember back in the Garden of Eden….Eve was tempted, not by God, but by the serpent, who twisted God’s words around to make Eve believe what she wanted to believe, not what God told her.   Why wouldn’t that wiley snake still be doing that to us today?

Look at all the non-believers who tell us on a daily basis, “If there is a God, why does he let this happen?”  It’s because we don’t believe in Him anymore…we have been given our own free will.   God is always there.  Whether or not we choose to include God in our choices is also our free will,  but God doesn’t ever leave or forsake us.

Is it God’s fault that I didn’t save myself for my husband?  Nope.  That would be my own bad choices.  I was “dragged away and enticed” by my own evil desires.  The desire gave birth to sin when I acted on it.  God wanted me to save myself…he told me so in the Bible, but I chose to sin.

The next time you feel that temptation to do something that the Holy Spirit is telling you “NO!”, don’t listen to Satan who is only going to drag you down and drag you away from God.   Look to God, reach out to God and seek his wisdom in all your decisions.   Even though temptations may be so very strong and irresistible, remember God’s words…

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.  (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Who will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear?  God.  Who will pull you out when you think you’re at your bursting point?  God.   So when Satan comes a knockin’ with all guns blazing, and you think you cannot possibly turn away, remember that God is there.  No porn, no sin is greater than God.  Look to him to help you out.  He’ll be there every time.