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Being Sexually Playful While Clothed….

I am definitely into reading because I know there are several areas where I am totally weak when it comes to initiation in bed, allowing myself to be sexual, and flirting with the intention of fulfilling his desires.   So this article peaked my interest…. 5 Ways to Be Sexually Playful While Clothed .  That is MY kind of article!!  So after you read the article, let’s talk about it.

The main 5 points are:  (1) don’t take offense…. if he does something you aren’t comfortable, teach him what you would like him to do instead!  (2) code words … I believe we hit on this in a Monday’s Mission…. (3) become comfortable with sexual joking… I liked hers at the beginning of her article!  Great comeback!   (4) stop worrying about “what the kids will think”…. and (5) Get courageous with sexual playfulness.

Me?  I have slowly but surely gotten better about #1.  I used to FLINCH when he touched me anywhere when I wasn’t expecting it.  You would have thought I just got burned by a cattle prod!  Instead of encouraging him with what made me feel more comfortable at the time, I spent time making him feel it was wrong to be sexually attracted enough to me to pat my butt or touch my arm.    #2 I’ve been trying to come up with some good ones.   But if I use one, I need to be prepared to follow through!  #3  sometimes my jokes aren’t funny, but I am willing to work on it!  #4 i think I am SO much better about that than I used to be.  So much better!  #5 That is still sometimes out of my comfort zone, so I think I need tutoring on that one … I really think it’s the Aspie in me that makes me just not get how to do it.   I’ll work on it.

So how about you?  Are you strong in any of these areas?  Did you have an “A HA!” moment on one?   Let me hear your thoughts!

 

 

Flirting with your husband

Okay, I know personally, this is something I need to get better at.  I think the Aspie in me finds it really hard to get out of my comfort zone at times with my hubby, and I am trying to break free of this.

Then I read this article that I read from The Marriage Bed’s Facebook page.  (Seven Ways to Flirt with Your Husband)   I remember trying a few of these a long time ago!!  (Yes, I put panties in his tuba case…. when he pulled out a mouthpiece to play it, he pulled out panties….)   I also put them in his glove box once, too, I think…. or maybe over his rear view mirror…. well, I definitely don’t want him to get fired, so maybe texts or post it notes it shall be!

It gave me some new ideas on how to flirt with my hubby, but surely we can come up with more than 7.   What things do YOU do to flirt with your hubby?  I’ve squeezed his bottom in public 😉 and I have also kissed him for no apparent reason other than he just needed kissed.  What works for you?

Start a Small Kitchen Fire

A friend of mine posted this article on her facebook page.

As I read through the blog post, I thought…oh, crap.  This is me.   I am so busy doing whatever I think is important that I TOTALLY miss the mark with my husband.  I totally forget that when he comes home that he has just spent a long day without me, and he just needs his heart filled.   And I am the one who he comes to fill it, and I fail time and time again.   This is something I gravely need to work on.   Really hard.  To be a warm, welcoming wife.

This is my favorite part of this blog …

So what does a husband really need? More than dinner. He needs your eyes to light up when he enters the room. He needs to know that how thrilled you are that he’s home. How your heart leaps because you two are together again.
He needs a warm, welcoming wife.

So very warm – that the two of you alone could start a small kitchen fire.

How about you?

Making Time For Your Marriage

My hubby and I went on a date night this past weekend.   We had to sit long and hard and think about when our last date night was….. it was too long ago!  We take for granted nights that we “work” together playing in a band together…. cause we do these without the kids, but it’s not really just time about us.

So we went out to have dinner using a gift card I received for Christmas, then we went to see Lincoln at the movie theater (again, with a gift card!) and afterwards, we went out for ice cream.   It was the first time in a long time that the conversations didn’t revolve around the kids!

If there is one thing I have gotten better at over the years, is being able to let go of the kids and focus on my hubby when we go out on dates.  It is nice to be able to give our 16 year old some money and say “take your sister out to dinner” and not have to worry about them being at home.   They get to go eat where they want to and have a “parent free” night, and we get to enjoy being a couple for a short period of time.

Do you make regular date night time with your hubby?  How often do you go out?   Where do you get inexpensive date ideas?

The New Baby and Sex

The more I read this title, the more I think it’s an oxymoron. New baby? Sex? What, are you nuts lady?

To tell you the honest truth, there is one sex drive that doesn’t go away after the baby is born….his. I learned this the hard way after my son was born.

We were very apprehensive when we read the pregnancy test. We had only been married 5 months, and we were pregnant! That wasn’t what we planned (even though we sure had lots of fun getting there!) So here we were, newlyweds, still in the process of getting used to things as a newly married couple.

Fast forward 8 months and our healthy, screaming baby was born. He was the apple of my eye. I think from that point on, something changed in me. I was a Mommy. I was someone’s Mommy. Satan took that precious moment when I gazed into my son’s eyes and he stopped crying at the sound of my voice, and he planted the worst possible lie into my unsuspecting head. Satan whispered to me, “Mommies don’t have sex.”

As I adjusted to the first days of my precious baby being home, the middle of the night feedings, diaper changes, the tiredness, my body feeling really awful from the 4th degree episiotomy, the raging hormones….there was no way I was even thinking about sex…until that 6 week postpartum appointment when the doctor cleared me for sexual intercourse. What? Hadn’t he heard? Mommies don’t have sex!

My poor husband. I don’t think I can possibly imagine the hurt, pain and frustration that he went through for the next 9 years. Yes, I said 9 years. Until after the birth of my second baby and then some. What happened? I fell for the oldest lie in the book. Mommies don’t have sex. Satan was on a euphoric high every time he looked in on us. “She really believes it! Look at how it is destroying them!!”

Instead of rehashing my life story, let me give you Mommies a bit of advice. You are still a sexual being. You may not feel like it at first, and that is understandable. Babies take a lot of time and energy, but PLEASE don’t forget the man you love. Here are a few tips and suggestions.

1. Please be open and communicate with your husband your feelings and your needs, and be receptive to his feelings and needs as well. He may believe that now that the baby is born, your sex drive will match his. Communication is very important here.

2. Daddies, please be sure to be very involved with helping your wife with the baby.
Help out around the house. This can be a serious turn on for new mommies…..

3. Mommies, take the time when you don’t *feel* like having sexual intercourse to satisfy your husband in some other way. Treat him to some manual stimulation or oral sex. If you aren’t feeling up to that, then give him permission to release himself via masturbation.

4. Oh, and guys, snuggling, hugging, cuddling….all those things are A-OK.

The Apostle Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 7:5 ” 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

It takes time, patience, communication and understanding to return to a normal, intimate, loving partnership after your first baby is born. Keep those lines of communication open and get help from your doctor if hormones and depression are getting in the way of your recovery. Mostly, remember what drew the two of you together in the first place. That beautiful baby you are holding was a beautiful creation through the beautiful coming together of a loving married couple. God blessed you with a child, but he still wants to bless you, your marriage and your marriage bed with the most intimate gift that only God could give you and bless you with.

Touch

I did an article back on CN about touch… What’s touch got to do with it.  It was an article that dealt with the importance of touch in your relationship with your spouse.   Touching the skin releases oxytocin, which is majorly important to intimacy and orgasm…. but this time I want to talk about how we like to be touched…. when, where, etc.

When my DH and I first got married, his hands went to two areas, and to me it seemed like two areas only…. my breasts and my labia and vagina.   To me, that drove me nuts, in a bad way.  I felt like I was only being groped by him.    It got so bad, really to the point I would jump like I didn’t want him to touch me, when he touched me anywhere…. to me I thought it lead to groping  and to sex every time he touched me.   I really do think in extremes…I’ll warn you of that now.

Since then, DH and I have talked about what we both like… I love the feeling of him holding my hand.   His hands are so big, they make me feel so petite (which I am not, but I can dream!) and secure.  I love the feeling of his hand in mine.   I like it when he uses his whole hand on my skin…. he tends to like to touch with his fingertips on my skin which feels ticklish, so sometimes I need to grab his hand and show him how I want to be touched.   The feeling of his big hands running across my skin is really exhilarating.   I like to be touched everywhere….running his hands down my arms, across my back, along my sides, and yes, eventually to all my genitalia….just not right away.   I can feel the oxytocin being released when he does that for me.

For him, he doesn’t particularly like all the rubbing his chest, arms, shoulders, etc… he wants me to go straight to his  penis.   That’s what he likes me to touch.   Now, of course, in public, I’m going to hold his hand, place my hands on his arms or around him, but when it comes to intimacy, that’s the only place he wants touched.

As long as we both understand what our touch does for the other, it can be amazing.   Absolutely amazing.

It’s important to communicate and to remember what your spouse’s likes and dislikes are.   Don’t keep doing the same thing because that’s what YOU want to do…incorporate the kind of touch that makes him go wild.  I guarantee that you’ll see results, not only physically on him, but emotionally from him to make you feel the same way.

So…what are your experiences with touch?  What kind of touch is important to you?   Do you know what kind of touch is important to your spouse?   (Please don’t get graphic in your comments….they won’t be published or they will be heavily moderated.)

~Spicy

Vicious cycles v virtuous cycles

I think we all know what a vicious cycle is…. I’ve been in a few….well, maybe more than a few… in my married life.   One thing leads to another and things keep spiraling downward…. the more he doesn’t read your mind and know what you want, the more you deny him something … usually sex… because you are unhappy about it.   He gets miserable  because you haven’t made love in days…weeks….months…., and feels undesired, and it goes on and on.     Satan loves vicious cycles.  The more things he can pop into your head (“Can he possibly NOT hit the laundry basket????”), the further he places a wedge in your marriage that splits you apart.  Soon he makes you feel that you aren’t “in love” with him anymore…. Satan takes glee in our misery… mainly because we start to blame God.   I find, really stupidly, that Satan fills my head with scenarios that will never happen….they could, but knowing my hubby, no they probably won’t…. The other day Satan made me really mad at my DH….for something that he hadn’t even done yet!   Thinking about the  holidays… how will we spend Christmas?  Apart like we did at Thanksgiving?  If he does not come with me to visit my parents and family, he must really hate them…. NO HE DOESN’T.  That’s just crazy talk!  Satan knows that right now, I am very concerned about my Dad and his health.  My DH has told me to take all of my remaining vacation time and spend it with my parents…. does that sound like someone who hates my family?  No.   Just because he would need to stay in town to be here for his Dad, who has his own health issues, and to keep us from having to board our two dogs doesn’t mean he hates my family.  Satan tries to pull me back into the past… into past arguments that I used to have when we first got married when I couldn’t leave my family of origin….  God stepped in and reminded me…. when I found out about my Dad’s health, DH and my son were traveling together for Father/Son time….when I called and told him, he turned around and came right back home.   Does that sound like someone who doesn’t care?  Absolutely not.

Virtuous cycles…. that’s the kind of marriages God wants us to have…. where things spiral upward, and lift both spouses up.   Treat others the way (or better) than you want to be treated.   Or in this case, treat your spouse better than you want to be treated by him.   What really  makes his chest puff out?  For my DH, it’s when I show him respect and when I show him I desire him.  It makes him feel so good.  And it makes me feel warm inside knowing I made him feel that way.   Be a generous wife to your hubby in everything you do, but especially sexually.   The more good that is done between spouses, the more good happens in the marriage.

Generosity is a choice though.  You can’t get by doing things begrudgingly.  It is very important that your attitude shows him that you are genuine….it genuinely pleases you to please him.  What if he doesn’t respond back generously to you?  Keep on keeping on.   Think of the ultimate generosity….Jesus Christ.   He most certainly didn’t need to come to earth to die for you, but he CHOSE to die for you.   Did you deserve it?  Was their a time in your life when you cared less about Jesus and what he did for you?   Do you take it for granted sometimes?   Jesus loves you.  God loves you.   We don’t deserve the amount of love and forgiveness that we receive from our  Heavenly Father.   But he keeps loving and forgiving us anyway.   Every time you feel that vicious cycle starting, look heavenward….look to your bible…. don’t let the spiral go down…keep looking up…. don’t give up.  God didn’t give up on you.

What are your experiencing in your marriage?  A vicious cycle or are you in the midst of a virtuous cycle?  Let’s discuss our own experiences in the comment section below.

~Spicy