Why Does He Like Lingerie?

I found this article on One Flesh Marriage.  It is, of course, from a man’s point of view, but sometimes for us ladies, it is good to see things through our hubby’s eyes on occasion instead of our own.  Now my hubby is not a lingerie kinda guy.  He would much rather there be nothing on at all.

I used to purchase lingerie all the time.  My train of thought…”it’s sexy and he will really like it”.   When he wasn’t really crazy about it, I thought, “oh, I just bought the wrong one.” and would buy a different one.   Instead of listening to him say, “I would rather you be naked”, I was hearing what I wanted to hear.   Eventually, I stopped buying it because it was a waste of money.   That’s when I started listening to him.

Now on a rare occasion, I will pull out a sheer nighty to wear without panties, just because I like the way it feels and the way it makes me feel.

Is your man a lingerie type of guy?


Learning to Accept Your Spouse

As I was reading on my personal Facebook page today, I came upon an article on the Marriage Bed page that I thought was very good.

This article was so good.  It reminded me of what DH and I used to say about why we were so attracted to each other when we were dating… “I feel like I don’t have to pretend to be someone else…I can just be myself”.   That is so important to a marriage!   I agree with Janet in this post.  I would never want my husband to feel torn down because I didn’t like the man that God created in him.   Clothing….all superficial.  My DH doesn’t have much choice.   He’s very tall, and for some reason, designers think that men that are tall only wear dorky clothing styles.   He is very conscious of not drawing attention to himself…his height already does that (How tall are you?  Do you play basketball?)   I would never assume to tell him what to wear, what to eat…. “We all want to be accepted for who we are in all our glory”  God created us in His image, and each of us is unique the way God created us.

This was a great read.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Developing Intimacy in Marriage

Many people know that something is missing from their lives but usually can’t quite put their fingers on what it is they’re lacking. That’s why so many people feel lonely, or empty, or unfulfilled although they appear to have every reason to feel just the opposite.

What is this elusive prize?


Humans are born with an irresistible need for it. With the exception of those He gifted for singleness (1 Corinthians 7:7), God intended from the beginning that we develop intimacy with another person to the point that the two will become ONE (Genesis 2). One in flesh (sexual intimacy), one in Him (spiritual intimacy), and one in heart (emotional intimacy).

Sadly, our work with thousands and thousands of marriages clearly reveals that most couples don’t have that wonderful oneness. Millions of couples have sexual congress, but few experience sexual intimacy. A growing number of spouses share faith, but few share it to the point that they feel true intimacy with God and each other. Couples live in the same house, but not many share true emotional intimacy. Witnessing the sparseness of it among married people – even Christians – led me to place a warning in my book Becoming One:

If your life seems empty or unfulfilled, it may well be because you don’t feel the intimacy with your spouse God designed you to have. If you experience feelings of loneliness or occasionally find yourself longing for a relationship very different from the one you now have, it’s almost a sure thing that intimacy hasn’t reached its intended level.

Why is that important to know?

Because at Beam Research Center we continually encounter people who lose their marriages because they despaired of finding within it what they so badly needed. Their misguided longing for intimacy masquerades in many costumes. Some think they crave more sex. Others more fame. Others a chemical high to replace the dullness or pain of their lives. People looking for intimacy so often are so confused about what it really is that they are after that they find themselves capable of making nearly any kind of destructive decision – paramours, posturing, parties. They exchange what they are experiencing for what they think they want to experience, only to discover that they are just as unfulfilled as before.

What’s the answer?

It’s as simple as falling in love.

In previous articles, I began sharing my “Falling in Love” Model that explains how people fall in love, fall out of love, and how they can fall in love with each other again. The first thing that draws us to another is the allure of his or her physical attractiveness. But not every person we find attractive reciprocally finds us attractive. And not every person we find attractive is a person with whom we would want intimacy once we came to know him or her. By the time we reach adulthood, most of us have learned that a person’s outward appearance may not accurately represent the personality within. Sometimes a “beautiful” person can be downright ugly, and someone that is unattractive by the world’s standards can be quite beautiful.

So what is the next step after attraction in developing love? Is it intimacy? Of course it is. But let’s call it acceptance, because the best way to understand it is to understand intimacy.

But first, let’s acknowledge the dilemma.

Would it surprise you to know that in national surveys, men and women have different ideas about what intimacy is? Men tend to define it as some form of action, such as sexual union or physically doing something for the female. (“What do you mean we need more intimacy? I just built you a gazebo!”) Women tend to view intimacy as sharing an emotional bond, warmth, closeness, and vulnerability. As one woman explained to me, “Say it slower and you have the definition. Into-me-see.”

In terms of falling in love or rebuilding love, both genders have it right. No, not equally right. Women have the better grasp of it. We males have to learn that we must begin with the woman’s definition of intimacy if we ever want to experience intimacy as we view it. But men do have it right that if a couple genuinely develops warmth and closeness, it will lead to actions, sexual and otherwise. While it is possible to start with the actions and hope for the feelings to come later, that path is fraught with multiple perils. The better course is to develop the emotional oneness that is intimacy, and then allow the actions to naturally follow.

How can we guys do that?

Well, it takes understanding on the part of both husband and wife. The first thing that must happen is that we have to quit teaching each other to lie. Next, we need to understand the sequence most people follow as they learn to make themselves vulnerable to the other. Understanding that sequence can change the way you communicate to each other in marvelous fashion. Finally, we must learn how to give (and get) acceptance, even when we hear our spouses say things we don’t like.

In the next few articles I intend to explain all this and more, as we look at how any two people can develop emotional intimacy that leads to sexual and spiritual intimacy. If your marriage is in so much trouble that you cannot wait weeks for the answers, click here for information on our marriage-saving seminar.

As you read these articles, feel free to read more at While I cannot guarantee personal answers to all questions, I will answer pertinent questions in future columns. Let’s not settle for anything less than genuine intimacy; intimacy with God and intimacy with the marriage partner he has given us.

Read more:

Joe Beam is a best-selling Christian author and internationally respected marriage expert.   Joe Beam founded Beam Research Center , an organization that provides marriage help to hurting couples.     Reproduced with permission.

Sex and the Bible – Joe Beam

As God made every animal, He created a partner of the opposite gender. The partner provided companionship and assistance. The two of them also made the perfect team for raising offspring.

Why did God give us the gift of sex?
God blessed the human animal above the other animals by placing within them a different sexual need and a different sexual fulfillment. Most other creatures participate in sex simply for procreation. When the female enters a period of fertility she accepts the sexual advances of a chosen male.

In the human animal, sexual desire and activity continually exist-not just in periods of female fertility. For us He made sex to be more than just the joining of two bodies for procreation. He made it so that when we join another person in sexual union, a spiritual union of sorts takes place at the same time.

The apostle Paul used that argument to dissuade Christians in the city of Corinth from hiring prostitutes from heathen temples to satisfy their sexual needs. He argues that joining oneself sexually with a prostitute makes a person one body or one flesh with her. He then says that the person shouldn’t do that because he is already one with God-the Spirit lives in him. The implication is that the union of a Spirit-filled body with another human somehow carries spiritual dimensions. Therefore, the body bought by Christ should not participate in such behavior.

1 Corinthians 6:15-20, “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh.’ But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”

For human beings, sex isn’t just to make babies. It is to join two humans in the most intimate union possible. I believe that sexual love freely shared in marriage is the most beautiful way God gave us to say, “I love you.”

Strong sexual needs exist in BOTH husband and wife
Sex in marriage is wonderful! But like all blessings, there can be an accompanying curse. Unfulfilled sexual needs sometimes lead to illicit relationships.

God addressed this strong sexual desire and need in humans through the writings of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5.

“But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

What does God teach about sex?
If you wish a wonderful picture of the positives about sex, read carefully the Bible book sometimes called the Song of Songs or the Song of Solomon. The love story there is extremely sexual and very graphic. You may not see that with a casual reading since so much of it is written in the idiom of their day. From time to time in our question/answer section, we will refer to that book and, hopefully, make clear some of the explicit sexual references. In this section, we take a slightly different approach to learning God’s view of sex.

A great deal of what the Bible teaches about sex comes in the form of prohibitions. Don’t let that make you think God is against sex. He made it! But He made it to be enjoyed in His design-not in any human aberration of that design. Let’s examine some of those prohibitions listed in the Bible. By knowing what God prohibits, we can deduce what God designed to be fulfilling in sexual union.

The Ten Prohibitions

1) Incest
God strongly condemned sexual relations with a “close relative.” Relatives listed include:

Mother (Leviticus 18:7), Father’s wife-stepmother (Lev. 18:8-under penalty of death, Lev. 20:11), Sister, half-sister, or stepsister (Lev. 18:9, 11-penalized by being cut off from the people, Lev. 20:17), Grandchild (Lev. 18:10), Aunt (Lev. 18:12, 13, 14-penalized by dying childless, Lev. 20:19), Daughter-in-law (Lev. 18:15), Sister-in-law (Lev. 18:16), Daughter or granddaughter of woman one had sex with (Lev. 18:17-penalized by death, Lev. 20:14).

2) Homosexuality
God strongly condemns sexual relations with a person of the same gender in the Old Testament (Lev. 18:22-penalized by death, Lev. 20:13). He condemns it just as strongly in the New Testament (Romans 1:24-28-penalized by spiritual death, Romans 1:27, 6:23)

3) Rape
The Old Testament law definitely favored the male. If a man raped a married or engaged woman, he was to be executed while the woman was held to be innocent and worthy of no punishment. If the woman could have summoned help but didn’t, she was also to be executed (Deuteronomy. 22:23-27).

If a man raped a single, unengaged woman, he was not put to death. The penalty was to marry her with no possibility of divorce, ever. (Deut. 22:28-29)

4) Consensual sex with one other than your mate
If a man slept with a woman who consenually engaged in sex with him, his penalty was to marry her (if her father wished) with no possibility of divorce (Exodus 22:16-17).

The New Testament made it clear that God expected sex to take place only in the boundaries of marriage. (1 Corinthians 7:2-5) Anyone guilty of sexual sin-called fornication in some versions and sexual immorality in others-would suffer spiritual death unless he or she finds God’s forgiveness. (Galatians 5:19-21)

5) Adultery
In the Old Testament adultery only occurred if a married woman was involved. A man who slept with a single woman (see above) didn’t commit adultery since men could, by law, have more than one wife. Since women couldn’t, by law, have more than one husband, any sexual encounter with another man-married or single-was adultery. God vehemently condemns it (Lev. 20:10) and listed the punishment as death (Deut. 22:22).

In the New Testament anyone married to one person but sleeping with another committed adultery. “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (Hebrews 13:4).

6) Lust
In the Old Testament God phrased it this way, “You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.” (Exodus 20:17) In the New Testament Jesus said it like this, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28).

7) Prostitution
God stated He detests prostitution. (Deut. 23:17-18) In the New Testament He said through Paul, “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never!” (1 Corinthians 6:15)

8) Bestiality
Any person, male or female, who participated in sexual activity with any animal was to be put to death under the Old Testament law (Lev. 20:15, 16).

9) Sex during menstrual period
A basic principle of Scripture is “the life of a creature is in the blood.” (Lev. 17:11) Therefore, blood is always treated as holy–even in the New Testament (Acts 15:29).

Understanding that principle helps us understand God’s law listed in the Old Testament about sexual relations during the wife’s menstrual period. He said that it shouldn’t happen (Lev. 15:24, 18:19) and listed the penalty as being “cut off” from the people. (Lev. 20:18) Many today believe that particular part of the “blood” law was given primarily for health reasons-the people of the Old Testament not having access to our modern hygiene or medicines-and that particular law has no application to Christians. Others feel that it lists God view of the sanctity of blood and should still be observed by Christians who respect God’s feelings.

10) Harm the body
While this isn’t specifically mentioned as I will describe it, the principle applies to anything that affects a person’s body.

Remember, the context in which this passage is found is one that discusses sexual activity. In 1 Corinthians 6:19, 20 Paul wrote for us, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body.” While our spirits belong to God, so does our body. We are not to do anything that desecrates that temple of God that our body is. Sexual activity that harms the body should not occur.

What are the basic principles?

Positive Points
Based on all we’ve studied in this section, it seems to me that we may infer these basic principles about God’s view of sex.

  • God intends for sex to be enjoyed by people married to each other-sex isn’t just for procreation as with the other animals.
  • God endorses our enjoyment of every part of our spouse’s body.
  • God wants each person in the marriage to conscientiously fulfill his or her mates sexual needs and desires.

Prohibitive Points
Based on our study, I believe that the following limitations must exist for sex to be everything that God intended.

  • Sex must only take place in the confines of marriage.
  • Sex may never involve:
    1. Another person besides your mate.
    2. Any animal.
    3. Anything that causes harm to either person’s body.

That means that anything not prohibited by these principles is acceptable to God! So many things that some avoid for fear of offending God shouldn’t be avoided at all. At least not avoided for religious reasons. They are just as valid and good as kissing, hugging, or any other expression of love between two who have committed themselves to each other. For more specifics, please read our weekly question/answer column about biblical principles of sexuality.

What does this mean to your marriage?

Priority One
First, pay attention to your sexual life. While it is true that every part of your life affects every other part, you must make every effort to keep your sexual life healthy. Never forget God’s warning about Satan’s attack that He gave you in 1 Corinthians 7. Sexually unfulfilled people can be tempted through their lack of self-control. Remove that avenue of attack from Satan’s forces by keeping your mate thoroughly sexually satisfied!

Priority Two
Second, keep the bedroom special. Never argue in that room. Never discipline the children there. Never, ever, pay bills in that room. The bedroom should be for sleeping and love-making-nothing else! Don’t let that room be associated with any negative thing in your mind or emotions. Make it the most special room in your house.

Teach your children to respect the privacy of that room. Train them from infancy that when that door is shut, parents are spending special time with each other that is not to be violated. If you fear that they may figure out what you’re doing in there, what better way to teach them healthy attitudes about sex? They learn to associate sex–although, of course, they shouldn’t see or hear anything inappropriate–with love and marriage.

Priority Three
Third, if either of you wants sexual activity that the other finds uncomfortable–or perhaps even repulsive–each should submit to the other. That means that the initiator must not manipulate, cajole, pressure, or punish the reticent mate. But it also means that the reticent mate should prayerfully and purposefully work toward doing what the initiator requests–as long as it fits the principles outlined in this chapter.

For example, the reticent one should not allow another person to be involved in the couples sexual life if the initiator was to request such a thing. But if the initiator requests something outside the current comfort zone of the reticent mate that isn’t wrong in the eyes of God, the reticent person should start making progress toward fulfilling that request.

With time and patience, each mate will get what he or she desires–a loving relationship that doesn’t get stale, doesn’t frustrate, and does fulfill each with great satisfaction.

Joe Beam is a best-selling Christian author and internationally respected marriage expert.   Joe Beam founded Beam Research Center , an organization that provides marriage help to hurting couples.     Reproduced with permission.