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Learning or Leaving: Our Past Experiences

I read another article that hit very close to home.   It reminded me of the first 11 years of my  marriage…. How I carried guilt and shame, let Satan reside in my mind and let him torture me with my past sin.   I took it out on my husband and my marriage bed.   I am thankful for the forgiveness from God and my husband that I can now look back and see God’s footprints trying to help me along, but He was patient enough to wait until I was ready to really listen and see what He wanted me to see.

This article is entitled That Still Hurts and it was written this past February.  I felt like I could have written it.  You can read about my past here on a CN article I wrote as NutmegNympho called Why Wait?  The Repercussions .  Remember, you are leaving this site for the Christian Nymphos site when you read it… not that it’s a bad thing, but some people have a problem with the name…. Satan had nailed me to my past and it really was ruining me, my husband, my marriage and my relationship with God.

I can think on my past now without all the damage it has done to me.   Like I said in my CN article, it’s in the Sea of Forgetfulness, but I can look at it and see God’s footprints in the whole situation.  My awakening was something spectacular in my life, where I could really see the truth….the whole truth.   I handed my past over to God.  He’s handling it now, and I don’t have to worry about it.  Satan can use it against me no more.

What did you glean from the article?  Did you learn something new?  Do you want to share your past experiences?  I am hopeful that my story will help someone who thinks they are in the pit of despair…. If you are in a pit, the only thing you can do is look up, right?

“You can never learn that Christ is all you need, until Christ is all you have.”
― Corrie ten Boom

The New Baby and Sex

The more I read this title, the more I think it’s an oxymoron. New baby? Sex? What, are you nuts lady?

To tell you the honest truth, there is one sex drive that doesn’t go away after the baby is born….his. I learned this the hard way after my son was born.

We were very apprehensive when we read the pregnancy test. We had only been married 5 months, and we were pregnant! That wasn’t what we planned (even though we sure had lots of fun getting there!) So here we were, newlyweds, still in the process of getting used to things as a newly married couple.

Fast forward 8 months and our healthy, screaming baby was born. He was the apple of my eye. I think from that point on, something changed in me. I was a Mommy. I was someone’s Mommy. Satan took that precious moment when I gazed into my son’s eyes and he stopped crying at the sound of my voice, and he planted the worst possible lie into my unsuspecting head. Satan whispered to me, “Mommies don’t have sex.”

As I adjusted to the first days of my precious baby being home, the middle of the night feedings, diaper changes, the tiredness, my body feeling really awful from the 4th degree episiotomy, the raging hormones….there was no way I was even thinking about sex…until that 6 week postpartum appointment when the doctor cleared me for sexual intercourse. What? Hadn’t he heard? Mommies don’t have sex!

My poor husband. I don’t think I can possibly imagine the hurt, pain and frustration that he went through for the next 9 years. Yes, I said 9 years. Until after the birth of my second baby and then some. What happened? I fell for the oldest lie in the book. Mommies don’t have sex. Satan was on a euphoric high every time he looked in on us. “She really believes it! Look at how it is destroying them!!”

Instead of rehashing my life story, let me give you Mommies a bit of advice. You are still a sexual being. You may not feel like it at first, and that is understandable. Babies take a lot of time and energy, but PLEASE don’t forget the man you love. Here are a few tips and suggestions.

1. Please be open and communicate with your husband your feelings and your needs, and be receptive to his feelings and needs as well. He may believe that now that the baby is born, your sex drive will match his. Communication is very important here.

2. Daddies, please be sure to be very involved with helping your wife with the baby.
Help out around the house. This can be a serious turn on for new mommies…..

3. Mommies, take the time when you don’t *feel* like having sexual intercourse to satisfy your husband in some other way. Treat him to some manual stimulation or oral sex. If you aren’t feeling up to that, then give him permission to release himself via masturbation.

4. Oh, and guys, snuggling, hugging, cuddling….all those things are A-OK.

The Apostle Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 7:5 ” 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

It takes time, patience, communication and understanding to return to a normal, intimate, loving partnership after your first baby is born. Keep those lines of communication open and get help from your doctor if hormones and depression are getting in the way of your recovery. Mostly, remember what drew the two of you together in the first place. That beautiful baby you are holding was a beautiful creation through the beautiful coming together of a loving married couple. God blessed you with a child, but he still wants to bless you, your marriage and your marriage bed with the most intimate gift that only God could give you and bless you with.

The new baby and sex

The more I read this title, the more I think it’s an oxymoron. New baby? Sex? What, are you nuts lady?

To tell you the honest truth, there is one sex drive that doesn’t go away after the baby is born….his. I learned this the hard way after my son was born.

We were very apprehensive when we read the pregnancy test. We had only been married 5 months, and we were pregnant! That wasn’t what we planned (even though we sure had lots of fun getting there!) So here we were, newlyweds, still in the process of getting used to things as a newly married couple.

Fast forward 8 months and our healthy, screaming baby was born. He was the apple of my eye. I think from that point on, something changed in me. I was a Mommy. I was someone’s Mommy. Satan took that precious moment when I gazed into my son’s eyes and he stopped crying at the sound of my voice, and he planted the worst possible lie into my unsuspecting head. Satan whispered to me, “Mommies don’t have sex.”

As I adjusted to the first days of my precious baby being home, the middle of the night feedings, diaper changes, the tiredness, my body feeling really awful from the 4th degree episiotomy, the raging hormones….there was no way I was even thinking about sex…until that 6 week postpartum appointment when the doctor cleared me for sexual intercourse. What? Hadn’t he heard? Mommies don’t have sex!

My poor husband. I don’t think I can possibly imagine the hurt, pain and frustration that he went through for the next 9 years. Yes, I said 9 years. Until after the birth of my second baby and then some. What happened? I fell for the oldest lie in the book. Mommies don’t have sex. Satan was on a euphoric high every time he looked in on us. “She really believes it! Look at how it is destroying them!!”

Instead of rehashing my life story, let me give you Mommies a bit of advice. You are still a sexual being. You may not feel like it at first, and that is understandable. Babies take a lot of time and energy, but PLEASE don’t forget the man you love. Here are a few tips and suggestions.

1. Please be open and communicate with your husband your feelings and your needs, and be receptive to his feelings and needs as well. He may believe that now that the baby is born, your sex drive will match his. Communication is very important here.

2. Daddies, please be sure to be very involved with helping your wife with the baby.
Help out around the house. This can be a serious turn on for new mommies…..

3. Mommies, take the time when you don’t *feel* like having sexual intercourse to satisfy your husband in some other way. Treat him to some manual stimulation or oral sex. If you aren’t feeling up to that, then give him permission to release himself via masturbation.

4. Oh, and guys, snuggling, hugging, cuddling….all those things are A-OK.

The Apostle Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 7:5 ” 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

It takes time, patience, communication and understanding to return to a normal, intimate, loving partnership after your first baby is born. Keep those lines of communication open and get help from your doctor if hormones and depression are getting in the way of your recovery. Mostly, remember what drew the two of you together in the first place. That beautiful baby you are holding was a beautiful creation through the beautiful coming together of a loving married couple. God blessed you with a child, but he still wants to bless you, your marriage and your marriage bed with the most intimate gift that only God could give you and bless you with.

~ Spicy ~

Help me with new era of orgasms!

Here’s another email that I got from a reader that could use some help or advice.

She and her husband used vibrators during intercourse for many years.  They have decided to put the vibes down and try other things in their marriage bed, but she hasn’t had as much luck with orgasms since losing the vibes.   She remembers being able to orgasm through OS with her hubby ages ago, but it was while watching pornography….. her question was “Is there anything you can think of that we can do that might be okay that would replicate that “body buzz” and oral-sex-orgasm I got while we were watching pornography? “

Whilst it wasn’t pornography in the truest sense of the word, I can remember one time while watching an episode of Star Trek: Enterprise … there was a really steamy scene between Captain Archer and his Communications officer, Hoshi.   I usually don’t get turned on by TV programs, but for some reason, this scene really got me hot and heavy…. and DH reaped the rewards of it.

After it was all over (the episode and our hot romp in the hay), I felt really guilty that it… I mean, why couldn’t I do that on my own?  Why did it take Scott Bakula to get me all hot and heavy?  (sigh…..LOL!)    I haven’t had that issue since then, but what is it about porn that excites our minds?

Okay, without using porn, here is what I recommend.   Evidently, something about the way you used the vibe during intercourse during all those years helped you with your orgasms.   You may need to take some time to go back and experiment with the vibes on occasion to figure out how you used it that felt the best.   The other thing…. give your hubby plenty of extra time to practice!  Once you know how the vibe worked on you, try to simulate some of the same motions with your hubby’s touch or with his tongue.   Is there a certain spot on your clitoris that is more sensitive to stimulation?   With me, sections of the hood around the clitoris  (esp the 7 o’clock position as he looks at me) are very sensitive.   Have him gently lick or suck on those areas.   My labia are extremely sensitive, so I have him slowly lick from my vagina, up my labia to that 7 o’clock position…. can you say fireworks!?!?!?  He can flick his tongue to get the “vibrating” feeling… Also keep in mind that TOO much stimulation on the clitoris can give you a numb feeling, so once you start feeling that, you may want him to do some nipple stimulation or something else at that point.    I know that if DH licks my clitoris in a clockwise motion it feels good….counter clockwise….not so good.   It’s all part of the practice, which I am sure your hubby would be in agreement on.

I STRONGLY recommend that you NOT go back to porn videos… even though it gave you a strong reaction.  That is allowing something else into your marriage bed, which is a sin.   Like nicotine, porn is addictive and hard to break.

Any other advice or words of wisdom?  Feel free to comment.

Am I the Only One?

I had an email come in recently (and thank you all for being PATIENT with my slowness for answering emails.  I am going through a really hard, emotional and stressful period of my life.  Satan is trying to get me down, but I continue to look to the cross for my hope!)   It was from a woman who has a high drive and her hubby’s does not.   She has to be the initiator in her marriage bed, but sometimes it is upsetting to her and it makes her feel he doesn’t desire her.  He has no problems “performing” (his word), and she has tried a lot of things.   She is wondering if there are other readers going through this issue and what you can tell her to encourage her.

I will be honest here.  I am not the pursuer in my marriage.  My hubby is.   I try my hardest to make him feel wanted, but I know I fall short more often than I hit the mark.  I know through numerous conversations with him, that it really makes him feel wanted when I initiate sex, but I am one that needs to be “warmed up” before I really start to get in the mood.   I really don’t fantasize.  There are times of the day that I won’t even let myself go there (esp. when I am at work)  I am not very creative in bed, but I do know what positions that he gets the ultimate pleasure in, so when I know there will be no fireworks for me that day, I get into a position I know he loves, so I can bless him.

So, that leaves it to you, my dear readers.   Anyone else here in the same boat?  What suggestions to you have for the low drive spouse to help make the high drive spouse feel desired?  What has worked for you?

Your hubby’s sexual past … should you leave it there?

I was reading on another blog just the other day and found this to be a really good read.

Getting over the Jealousy of Your Husband’s Sexual Past

When Mr. Nutmeg and I got married….actually back up … when we started DATING, I confessed my sexual past to him before we even starting seriously dating.   I wanted him to know what he was getting into with me before he ever fell hard in love with me.  (Well, by that time I think it was too late…. he already fell hard the first day we met!)  I was ashamed of my sexual past, but it was a part of me that I didn’t want to keep from him.  That night, he confessed his, too, and we both talked about how it didn’t matter.

The thought came across my mind…. how much do I really want to know?   I say it doesn’t matter, but will it really matter some day if we get married?  Later it became “After we get married, will I really still not care?  When he asks for a certain position, will I wonder if *she* did that for him and that’s why he is asking?  Did *she* do it better? ”

My answer now as a seasoned married woman of over 17 years is “leave the past in the past”  All of these questions will only give Satan a foothold on your marriage bed.  With me, it wasn’t his sexual past, but my own that let Satan in.  My DH is awesome.  He forgave me for my past while we were still DATING.   He has never once gone back and asked me questions or details about past lovers before him.  He understands the true meaning of forgiveness.  Once forgiven, you don’t dwell on it anymore.   I forgave him as well for not waiting for me, but I never forgave myself.

Dear friends, your past is just that…. in the past.   So is his.  The one thing that I tell myself over and over again when Satan tries to throw a doubt into my mind “He didn’t marry HER, he married ME.”   I am the woman who he turns to for his (actually our) sexual pleasure.   I am the one he enjoys intercourse with.  I am the one he enjoys rear entry with…. I am the one he wants oral sex from.   I am the vision inside his mind that gives him extreme desire and that firm erection.   I am the one he daydreams about all day…. When you and your husband became one flesh, you became a new creation.   Whether your DH had former sexual partners, was divorced or even widowed, YOU are a new creation with HIM.

I know it’s not easy.   Here are a few verses for you to remember, though….

2  Corinthians 5:17  “Therefore if anyone is in Christ,]he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come”

2 Corinthians 10:5We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ…,”

Mark 10: 6-9  But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and motherand the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

You and your husband are a new creation.  You are one.   Please do not let the evil one tempt you to think on such things.

~ Spicynutmeg~

Make Up Sex

Okay, now I have got your attention…

DH and I just got through the most wonderful day of make up sex.   I thank God for his gift of sex, but I REALLY thank God for the gift of make up sex!

DH and I went through a few days of total miscommunication and lack of trust.  I am definitely a guilty party in this event, and we both spent a couple days avoiding each other, not talking to each other, going to bed at different times from each other so we could avoid each other even more, sleeping with our backs to each other.  Our original disagreement was totally off the wall.   I wanted to talk to him about something that had occurred and I wasn’t really crazy about.  So somehow, trying to talk to him, using “I feel like” terminology, turned into us both getting so angry at each other and he ended up leaving the room slamming the door.  It was crazy!  I was in tears all day.  Anything and everything made me cry.   I tried to talk it out with some of my Spice sisters (who are the best!) and I even caught myself saying something I truly never would even consider or do…..

Granted, I am still considering looking into talking to a counselor about issues that he brought up in our disagreement.  I know I have things that I need to work on.   But that’s not the point of this article…. 🙂

We had a break through on Tuesday.   We decided that when we were both home from work and our son was home from band practice, that we would go out grocery shopping so we would have time to talk.   And talk we did.  Worked out SO MUCH that should have been done on Sunday and would have saved a lot of stupidity on our part (lack of communication caused SO MUCH)…. that night, we shipped our DD off to bed, and DH announced he was taking a shower…. and while in the shower, I joined him.  That’s when the fireworks went off.

Now, I don’t recommend picking a fight every other day with your hubby just for the sex, but it was the most intimate time we have had with each other in a long time.   I was consumed with him, and he was with me as well.    It was an amazing night.

Your experiences?  I can’t explain the euphoria.  Even the following day, all I could think of was him at work.   I sent him suggestive texts in our text code… Wonderful.  Thank you, Lord for make up sex.  Wow.