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Mixed signals: Body language

I went to a training recently for my work.  It was a session on how to communicate difficult information to parents in child care.   One of the things the presenter talked about was ways that we communicate to others.

Over 60% of how we communicate is through our body language.   Only about 7-10% of what you actually say comes out of your mouth.  Your body language can really tell more of the truth of how you really feel, when what you are saying doesn’t match how you look to your spouse.

I found an article here that gives some scenarios about what your body language says about your marriage.  I want to give a few examples from this article

1 – your kiss:  are your lips soft and does your kiss linger o few seconds longer OR are your lips hard and closed?

2- making love:  do you make eye contact and do you use your body to express your pleasure OR are you stiff, rigid and tense?

3 – walking together:  do you walk together stride for stride OR does one spouse walk way in front of the other?

Especially important is your body language during a disagreement.  Are you making eye contact with each other?  Your body proximity – is one spouse in a more domineering position when talking?  Are your shoulders square with each other or is one body open like you don’t want to hang around to talk?

Way back in the first 11 years of my marriage, my body language told my husband more than my words.   He would touch me, and I would jump.  In bed, I was still as a board and unresponsive.   Yes, I would tell him I loved him, but I didn’t show him.  He fed off my body language and not off my words because my body language was telling him how I really felt at that moment.  Hopefully in the last 6 years, I have gotten better about my body language and I hope that he does feel more loved than in the past.  Thank God for a forgiving and loving hubby!

So what kind of body language has your hubby experienced from you?  The good, the bad and the ugly.   What advice can you give about using your body language to convey more positive messages to your husband?

~Spicy~

Why?

I’ve been reading a lot of articles on blogs recently, trying to get ideas for topics, and I read this article from The Generous Husband…. yes, I read Paul’s articles!  They are great!!

The gist of the article revolves around the question “Why?”  –  Why do men need sex…. why do women need to talk more….. why?  Because we need it?   Sometimes, though, instead of using this question as a legitimate reason to find an answer, we use it to denounce the need of our spouse.

Take this as an example….  My husband likes for me to sleep naked.    Should I ask…

“Why?” – meaning “Oh my goodness.  If I sleep naked, he will take that as a cue that I want sex.  I am so tired, stressed out, and I really want to go to bed, so maybe I should wear my flannel nightie and my granny panties so he gets the picture.”

OR

“Why?” – meaning after talking to him about it, I find out that “he really loves the closeness he feels toward me when we both trust each other explicitly with our nakedness.  He loves the feel of skin to skin contact.   It really makes him feel loved when I do.”

So which is it?   We all KNOW that the second scenario is the right one, but how many times have we just THOUGHT scenario #1?  I know I am guilty of really heavy inward sighs instead of taking the time to find out why it is so important to him.     This quote sums it up for me.  “If your spouse needs something from you, why they need it is irrelevant to what you need to do. They need it, either you do your best to provide it, or you don’t. The first is loving, the second is not. It is that simple.”    As his spouse, I should be meeting his needs (unless his need includes something immoral, illegal, etc….).  I am the only person that he wants to meet his needs.   If I say no all the time, it’s like giving him a punch in the gut.   He feels disrespected.   Same hold true for the way our spouses treat us.   They should respect our needs, too.   When both are being generous spouses and lovers to each other, we experience smooth sailing in our marriages.
So Paul, thank you so much for this article.  It is a much needed reminder for us all!

~Spicy~

How would your husband respond?

Okay, I was perusing news articles on Yahoo tonight while waiting for my honey to get home, and I found this article…..

Six Secret Turn On’s for Men

As I read the article, it suggested there were 6 things that we try not to do that are actual turn ons for men.  Here is a brief synopsis….

1.  He loves that you indulge at dinnertime.  Guys love women who like to eat — not ladies who say they aren’t hungry and then pick at their date’s food all night.

2. He loves your occasional outbursts.    You may worry that it’s not ladylike, but occasionally letting a curse or rant escape your lips at an unexpected moment can be a major turn-on.

3. He loves that you aren’t a neat freak.  Believe it or not, guys find the proliferation of hair products, accessories and unidentified stuff strewn about your apartment oddly endearing.

4. He loves your extra paddingSure, you’ve heard that men love women with curves, but how about those extra pounds you’ve been trying to sweat off at the gym? There’s a good chance that your guy loves them, too.

5. He’s fascinated by your knowledge of the things you’re passionate about.   A man becomes fascinated by whatever it is that gets you all hot and bothered — regardless of whether or not he shares the same interests.

6. He loves a good head rub from youDon’t get me wrong — men love it when you grope their erogenous zones. But that’s not the only type of touch they crave.

Okay, when he got home, I asked my husband what he thought about this article’s suggestion of “turn ons”…. did he agree or disagree.   See, I don’t consider him a “typical male”  (Try it, ladies.  Ask your hubby to read it with you to see what he thinks.)    Mr. Nutmeg went through and said, “nope.  nope.  nope.  nope.  nope.  nope.”  (I kinda thought he would).  While he said some of them he could “slightly” agree with, but for the most part, he didn’t agree with them at all.  So then, I gave him some homework.  I asked him if he could rewrite the article, so to speak, how would HE write it.   And he did.

Now here’s my challenge to you…. get your hubby’s opinion of the article first…. THEN have him read Mr. Nutmeg’s list and see which one he agrees with more.   Here’s Mr. N’s rewrite….

1. Like regular food.  It’s ok to like a Bacon cheeseburger, and ice cream for dessert.   Guys are not impressed (usually) by fancy foods we can’t pronounce or afford

2.  Don’t be afraid to laugh like you mean it at something stupid.  I still remember watching the Letterman show with Spicy, and we laughed so hard at something so stupid that we couldn’t breathe. (“hey, that lady is stealing napkins!”)

3. Don’t be afraid to show a little skin as a tease.  I love looking at Spicy’s cleavage and imagining what could happen later.  I’m not saying you have to dress like a slut, but showing your figure is a huge turn on.

4. Be intelligent.   Nothing is a bigger turn off than realizing the person you are with is brain dead.   Men know they need a partner that can handle things when they aren’t around, or it turns into a frustrating marriage.

5.  Sleep naked.  Nothing is a passion killer than seeing your wife come to bed in a tshirt and granny panties.   Conversely, seeing Spicy coming to bed buck naked gets my heart racing, because I know that at the very least, she’s not shutting out the possibility of some skin to skin contact as we go to sleep, and that can last all night and into the morning.  I can’t tell you how many times we have slept all night naked in each other’s arms, and that led to action either in the middle of the night, or first thing in the morning.  Ladies, if you complain that you husband won’t snuggle, ask yourself if you’re asking him to snuggle with you, or your baggy nightshirt.

6. Tell me you need me in a sexual way.    Text it, say it on the phone, or just tell me in person.   No bigger turn on in the world than sex out of  real desire, instead of sex out of obligation and duty

So, which does he agree with?  Let me know in the comment section below.  (PS…. do your homework on this one…. there’s a poll on it coming this Monday!)

Make Up Sex

Okay, now I have got your attention…

DH and I just got through the most wonderful day of make up sex.   I thank God for his gift of sex, but I REALLY thank God for the gift of make up sex!

DH and I went through a few days of total miscommunication and lack of trust.  I am definitely a guilty party in this event, and we both spent a couple days avoiding each other, not talking to each other, going to bed at different times from each other so we could avoid each other even more, sleeping with our backs to each other.  Our original disagreement was totally off the wall.   I wanted to talk to him about something that had occurred and I wasn’t really crazy about.  So somehow, trying to talk to him, using “I feel like” terminology, turned into us both getting so angry at each other and he ended up leaving the room slamming the door.  It was crazy!  I was in tears all day.  Anything and everything made me cry.   I tried to talk it out with some of my Spice sisters (who are the best!) and I even caught myself saying something I truly never would even consider or do…..

Granted, I am still considering looking into talking to a counselor about issues that he brought up in our disagreement.  I know I have things that I need to work on.   But that’s not the point of this article…. 🙂

We had a break through on Tuesday.   We decided that when we were both home from work and our son was home from band practice, that we would go out grocery shopping so we would have time to talk.   And talk we did.  Worked out SO MUCH that should have been done on Sunday and would have saved a lot of stupidity on our part (lack of communication caused SO MUCH)…. that night, we shipped our DD off to bed, and DH announced he was taking a shower…. and while in the shower, I joined him.  That’s when the fireworks went off.

Now, I don’t recommend picking a fight every other day with your hubby just for the sex, but it was the most intimate time we have had with each other in a long time.   I was consumed with him, and he was with me as well.    It was an amazing night.

Your experiences?  I can’t explain the euphoria.  Even the following day, all I could think of was him at work.   I sent him suggestive texts in our text code… Wonderful.  Thank you, Lord for make up sex.  Wow.

I love him because….

I have really needed to bring back this article….. I need to redo this list and remind myself of a lot of things.

It is so very easy to look at our husbands and see the bad….admit it, sometimes we see the dirty clothes all over the floor, the toothpaste tube squeezed from the middle, the kids need baths and he’s watching football on tv, I made this wonderful dinner and he didn’t even bother to call me to tell me he was late!   All of these things compound up, day after day, but have you taken the time to look for the positive?

Love, what is it?  A feeling?  No.   Feelings come and go like waves lapping on the beach.   Love is a commitment.  Love works through that laundry on the floor and sees the man who fixed your washing machine so you don’t have to drag all your unmentionables back down to the laundrymat again this week.   Love looks past all the wrongs, the faults, the sin…and sees him through God’s eyes.   A cherished human being that God sacrificed his Son for.  Agape.  That’s what love is.   It’s not a crush, you don’t love him like ice cream (well, maybe you do…), but it’s self sacrificing love.

Here’s my challenge to you.   Sit down and instead of writing down all his faults, take a moment and finish this statement with 10 answers

I love him because….

Here’s mine…in no particular order

I love him because….

1.  he loves me unconditionally.

2.  he can do anything he sets his mind to.

3.  he is a wonderful father to our two children.

4. he is a gentle and thoughtful lover.

5.  he is so devoted to his family.

6.  he works 6 days a week to provide for us and to care for his ailing father.

7.  he calls me sexy on a daily basis.

8.  he pursued me relentlessly, and helped me to see he was whom God intended for me.

9.  he would never leave me or forsake me for any reason.

1o.  he’s my best friend.

Can you do it?   If you don’t want to post it in the comment section, write them out and put it in a special place where he’ll find it.  You will make his day!  Happy writing!!  :)

Q&A: Why Talk During Sex?

“My husband likes to talk and whisper ALL THE TIME when we make love.  Why does he have to do that?  He knows what I like, but he continues to ask me questions (like if I want him to suck my nipples or does he want me to have him pinch and pull on them?)  Also when he gives me oral sex, he tells me how good I taste and how good I smell and how much he wants to taste me.  I am very quiet when we make love.  Do you think he wants me to talk too?  Or do you think he might want me to talk “dirty” to him?”

Some people are definite talkers.  Sounds like your husband is one of them!  Whispering and talking during sex is a complete turn on for many people (myself included).  Hearing things spoken audibly can heighten awareness and arousal.

Just think about it for a minute… when you are making love to your husband, many times you may think “I would love it if he _______ right now.” But you don’t actually say it.  You may hint to him or give him some bodily language that tells him what you want instead.  What do you think would happen if you spoke those thoughts aloud?

For me it was two fold.  When I started talking out loud to my husband during sex, I noticed his arousal increased, his erection became even harder, and he became more passionate with me.  What I didn’t plan on was the second factor.  I became more aroused and I self-lubricated more.  Hearing myself saying things to my husband out loud that I had once hidden in my mind was so invigorating and empowering for me!  I loved the fact that my words had power over my husband.  I loved seeing the physical evidence of his arousal and desire heightening as I spoke.  I loved hearing myself claim words that were once too risqué for me to use.  It felt so freeing to be able to speak in clear terms what I wanted to do to him and what I wanted from him during our love making, and my husband reveled in this new found freedom!

It may be the same for your husband.  You say that he likes to tell you how good you taste or how badly he wants to taste you.  It sounds like he is trying to use words as a part of foreplay.  He is wanting to get you all hot and bothered and at the same time he is probably affecting his own arousal by hearing himself speaking to you in that way.

So, a couple of things come to mind here.  First, does it bother you that he talks like he does?  If this is something that is truly bothersome for you, then you need to talk to him about this.  If his talking during sex is working the opposite way he intends for it to, then he needs to know that it’s a ‘turn off’ for you.  If it’s not a bother, then my second question revolves around you talking.  Is this something that you’d like to be able to do more with him?  Taking that first step is often difficult, but once you break the ice you may find that giving your thoughts a voice enhances your love making experience with your husband.  For some suggestions on how to get started talking, check out:  Oh Yes Baby!  Don’t Stop! or Dirty Words in the  Bedroom.

Original article