I read articles on Yahoo, since that is where my email is, and I came across this one about what not to say during a fight. Now, granted, I am blessed that my husband and I don’t fight often at all. We may have disagreements, but they are usually settled in a reasonable fashion without raised voices or heated arguments. BUT there have been occasions, especially in light of my parents situations, where I have not been my best. Yes, right after I got the news, the very next day I did explode on my husband. One of those that I realized the next morning, that I really did him wrong, and it wasn’t his fault kinda things, and I apologized. (Yes, I let the sun go down on my anger, too) After reading this, I am guilty of using some of these in the past though.
“I want a divorce” – not in these words, but I have said something to the effect maybe I should leave and stay where I go…. definitely not a winner on my part.
“I am not mad at you” – I think I have learned enough “I’m not mad, I am disappointed.” or other catch phrases. Body language holds a big thing in this. I have rolled my eyes. Slammed doors. It’s always best to cool down before entering into a discussion about what is upsetting you.
“You are just like your father.” – I am so guilty of saying this in the past. He doesn’t like this one single bit. He doesn’t consider himself anything like his father nor does he ever want to be considered like his father. He’s his own man. There are times I DO see traits in him that his father displays, but it’s best not to even go down that road in a fight… it makes it worse in my house.
“You’re such a jerk/coward/expletive of choice” – name calling just isn’t right. It cuts people to the core. Remember the old saying as kids, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”? Well, words hurt MORE than any broken bone. It’s just best to give yourself a timeout to catch your breath and get in a better place if you’ve let yourself go this far.
“Look, now the baby is upset, too” – not just babies get upset when parents argue…kids of ALL ages do. I am sure it would upset our 10 and 17 year old to hear us fight. Which is why if we do, they are not in the room or we leave the room. Or we just again give ourself a timeout to cool off.
“You did the same thing last time” – there is no sense in bringing things up over and over again. If you’ve forgiven last time, then don’t bring it back up. It proves to your spouse that you didn’t really forgive in the first place.
“You’re always late” – I tell my kids to stop using “always” and “never” in an argument because they aren’t always true!
“Why are you mad?” – He’s allowed to have a bad day, just like you are. Give some berth, time to cool down. With my hubby, it’s probably that his favorite baseball team screwed something up and he’s just in a mood for a bit. It passes. We have our emotions, too, and it would irk us to always be asked that question, too. Not worth opening Pandora’s box…once it’s open, you can’t put it back.
“You need to talk to me right now” – Um, no. I don’t. Maybe I need a timeout. Maybe he needs a time out. Maybe you should just make an appointment to talk later. You might get wrath that makes things worse. People don’t like being told what to do… they like to be asked.
“This is all your fault.” – again, just like never and always, it is NEVER all his fault. It takes two to tango. And a lot of time when I might *feel* like it is his fault, and God opens my heart and my eyes to see that, nope, part of the fault may be mine, or ALL of the fault may be mine… I just don’t want to accept that I could be at fault.
All 10 of these can be damaging to your sex life… go to bed mad and intimacy goes right out the door. Unless it is for make up sex. 😉
What are your thoughts?
I think that hurtful words can really “kill” the intimacy in a marriage. I am really struggling to get past these feelings of hurt when my DH lets his anger and frustration get the better of him. As a woman who is working hard to be a better Christian, I struggle deeply with forgiveness. How do I put these feelings aside and have the strong marriage I so desperately want?