Is Abstinence training giving Christian sex a bad reputation?

This past weekend, I found this article that I started reading because at first I was in full disagreement with it.  It can be found here.

As I began reading this article, I got a really bad taste in my mouth.  BUT I decided to try to keep my opinion neutral until I read the whole article.  I don’t know much about Relevant magazine, but I read on.

There are parts of it that I disagree with, and there are parts of it that I do agree with, and I thought it was worth taking the time to discuss it.

My husband and I will teach abstinence to our children.  We know FIRST HAND what can happen to a marriage where you did not save yourself for your spouse.   The first 11 years were a BIG struggle, but I let Satan take root in my past and cause so much pain to my husband, BUT my husband was NOT willing to give up the fight for our  marriage over sex.   He was ready to GIVE IT ALL UP for our marriage.   This is what we will include in our abstinence talks with our kids… that yes, you need to keep your purity for your spouse, but when you DO choose someone to spend your life with, that sex can be a wonderful gift, but you also need to realize that it WON’T be Hollywood style sex from your wedding night until death do you part.   It is not easy.  It isn’t always mind blowing.  It is a give and take.   It is a only a part of your marriage, it isn’t the ONLY thing in your marriage.   I am so eternally grateful that my husband valued our marriage over sex.   We could be living a sexless marriage, but a HAPPY marriage if God hadn’t intervened.    Sex is like an experiment.  If you get all the right ingredients in the right proportions, you’ll love it.  If you don’t communicate that something doesn’t feel right… something hurts… something stimulates you in a wrong way…. then it’s like a science experiment that will blow up in your face.

BUT if you have saved yourself for marriage, how do you know what is good sex and what is bad?  It is up to the newly married couple to MAKE it so.    It doesn’t mean that one partner is “good in bed” and the other isn’t.    I loved reading the COMMENTS back to this article, and that is where I got the most pleasure of reading the article.  The people who countered her.

I clicked the link to the article she was basically quoting…. Jessica  Henriquez’ story.  Jessica was 19-20ish when she married.  While I feel sorry for her that she went into marriage with the wrong impression, she, in a way, has the right idea in the end of her article… to a very small degree.  Here’s a quote from it “The key is to figure that out before you find yourself walking down an aisle in a dress that costs more than the family car (my mother has since reminded me). It isn’t the most important thing when it comes to love…  AHA   Yes, there is more to marriage than sex, the key is to really understand what you and your fiance expect.  Find it out BEFORE you get married.   Find out if you are on the same page and are willing to work it out …. Jessica checked out of sex from the beginning of her marriage and misled her husband into thinking she was into it.   She should have started communicating to him what she  needed.  What was wrong.  What could they do to make it better for HER since it was obvious it was good for him.  She ends her quote the totally wrong way though…. “But for me, I learned that sex is important enough not to wait.”

If either of my kids were to ask about my past, I would be truthful with them.  I had too many partners before I met my husband and honestly, he was one of them.   I wished that I had saved myself for him, but it didn’t work out that way.  Communication is the key to any marriage.  Have fun in your marriage bed.  Laugh at your mistakes and try again.   Neither one of you is “incompatible” with the other.  The bond between you, your spouse and your Lord and Savior are all you need to help you with ANY issue that comes up in your marriage.

Here’s my true thoughts.  Save yourself for marriage.  Get GOOD premarital counseling that includes what to expect sexually and how God intends sex to be.  If you go through counseling and DO NOT get counseling in this area, find another counselor!  Choose your spouse wisely.  Talk with your fiance about sex after marriage.  What do you expect?  What does he expect?  How can you work together?  What if there are difficulties in the first few nights?  Weeks?  Months?  Years?  What are you going to do?   Is divorce EVER an option over sex?  I loved the commenter who said that you don’t need “Desperate Housewives” or porn to coach you.   You are NOT incompatible with your spouse.  Incompatibility means that it will never work out…square peg in a round hole.  All issues can be worked out.  God placed you together, don’t ignore that fact.  If Jessica were “incompatible” with her husband at the time, it was by her choice, not by God’s design.  Ignore Hollywood sex.  It doesn’t always work that way.   Find you a good supportive church with people willing to help counsel you.  I would love someday to be a couple that helps counsel other married couples in our church.  In the meantime, I attempt to offer help and guidance here, but mark my words, I will never tell you to divorce over sex.   Marriage is so much more than that.   Be willing to compromise.  Use the Bible as your guide.  The TRUTH is in that book.   If it isn’t biblical, don’t do it.   God wants you to save yourself for marriage.


3 thoughts on “Is Abstinence training giving Christian sex a bad reputation?

  1. Thanks for this post…I really appreciate the perspective of a healthy kind of abstinence teaching. My parents never spoke about it (still don’t even though they still have 5 kids under the age of 18) so I know their example is not one to follow. I think my husband and I stumbled across wise teaching early in our relationship that helped us tremendously, including the idea that it’s important to discuss your expectations and preferences before marriage. I knew it was wise to discuss finances, household chores, theology…but I never really thought about really thinking through what I expected until I started reading the CN site. That and a few other resources (Mark Gungor’s DVDs come to mind) helped us a LOT.

  2. I think this article is very interesting because I feel that Ms.Hernriquez did not truly know the scriptures. In a marriage we are to be givers. If we don’t want to have sex then we should be eunuchs. In regards to compatability, you are correct Spice, they needed to get premarital counseling that touched on the subject of sex. I do not agree with sex before marriage. I too have had multiple sexual partners before my husband and its taken the Holy Spirit years to cleanse my mind from those partners. And thank God I have a husband who loved me pass those crazy years of bondage. I believe that she should of been better prepared for sex. Because she wasnt, she nullify’s God word. God is sovereign and perfect, we just need to seek out his wisdom to solve the problems in our marriage. He didn’t put us together to then later get divorced. Marriage is about serving and loving one another. It is not selfish.

  3. I read your blog and the other two mentioned here and have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head. I for one am so thankful that I stumbled upon ChristianNymphos honeymoon advice last summer before my wedding. With that, in addition to the books “Sheet Music” (Leman) and “Intended for Pleasure” (Wheat), I didn’t have grand wedding night expectations. Enough wise girlfriends and even a few wise words my hubby received from his pals, helped us to have a good start to our married life. Neither of us clung to Hollywood Sex Standards and we each had realistic expectations that things were not going to be amazing that first time ( I was a virgin, and hubby had one previous encounter many years before marriage). And as we celebrated our first anniversary 3 weeks ago, I can honestly say, there are ups and downs. Sometimes he’s more into it than I am; sometimes I’m more into it than he is. But we have so much fun experimenting and figuring out new things. I can’t imagine sharing this intimate experience with anyone else! So I’m sad for Jessica Henriquez’s experience, and have vowed to be honest with my un-wed friends so that they too can have realistic expectations and find excitement in the day-to-day journey of being married to your best friend. Thanks for your thoughts!

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