Reader’s Questions: Low Drive after Miscarriage

 My DH and I will have been married a year at the end of July.  I got pregnant last October but had a miscarriage after on New Years Eve, with a D&C on New Years Day.  Needless to say its puts a tough strain on our marriage, we were both really torn up about it.  To compound the issue my hormones have gone completely nuts.  The Premenstrual dysphoric disorder that I had as a teenager came back with a roar, which makes me extremely exhausted, irritable, agitated, and emotional.  We have been unable to get pregnant for the last 6 months.  One of the worst symptoms though is my sex drive or complete lack of it.

Last week my husband asked, with tears and fear in his eyes, if I still loved him or if we were just roommates.  I felt awful about it.  I don’t know what to do though.  I’m trying to get the hormone problem fixed with the help of a fertility specialist.  I’ve tried masturbating and I’ve tried having sex every day with my DH.  Nothing helps.  I can’t even get aroused.  If I do its only slightly and I very rarely orgasm and definitely not one worth writing home about.   I don’t know what to do.  I feel terrible about my husband wondering if I still love him and think he is attractive and I sure do!


This is such  a hard situation.  I am so sorry for your loss.   I am going to leave this for readers.  I have never had a miscarriage, so I cannot even begin to understand the devastation this has caused both of you in losing your child.    I am praying for you both.  I can tell you that God can heal this.  What does your doctor say?  Are you talking to anyone about the miscarriage?


4 thoughts on “Reader’s Questions: Low Drive after Miscarriage

  1. I’ve been there, and I sympathize. Losing a child you never got to hold is hard, but few people understand. If you haven’t already done so, celebrate your child by naming him/her, and don’t save the name you had planned for this child, to give to another child. Buy or make something to memorialize your baby. Do what you need to both celebrate your baby and mourn your loss. You had this baby for the time God planned- don’t lose the joy in that. I wish I could remember how a friend of mine said it after one of our miscarriages. 

    As for the lack of sex drive, you can serve your husband and be joyful in that. Do what gives him pleasure and rejoice that you are the only one who gets this honor.  I spent 26 years with low sex drive, and only had an orgasm maybe twice? I had the attitude of meeting my husband’s needs, but I became happy and began to enjoy more romantic feelings after realizing that that I shouldn’t just try to meet his needs, but should try to give him pleasure- not the minimum, but the maximum.  Recently, after I began doing what I recommended above, things have changed for me, but don’t give expecting a change, give out of love for your lover. To improve sex for you, try looking up ways to help you orgasm, and have your husband make a sort of game of it (you do the research, though- this is dangerous territory for a man on the internet. Try some exciting new positions, games (like Bliss on PC, Android, Ipad), or toys, etc. The play is fun, even if you have low sex drive, and you’ll enjoy the pleasure you give. 

    To try to correct your hormones, I reommend nutritional supplements and looking for food intolerances. My hormones get messed up when I have milk of any kind, even traces. Since going off milk and taking supplements I chose for my specific needs, my hormones have really improved. Many folks have food affecting them negatively and never find out, but it’s worth considering.  I recommend the book “Fertility, Cycles, and Nutrition,” and any other natural health books you find useful. I also recommend “Brain Allergies”, although I don’t recall its content. 

    I miscarried several babies, before I used the book I recommended and some others to determine I had low progesterone and asked for a progesterone prescription from my OB during pregnancy. After using supplements and good diet to improve my health, and gaining a few pounds, I no longer need progesterone to maintain pregnancy. In my early years, it was considered healthy to be thin, but this isn’t good for your hormones. Of course, neither is being overweight. Our society is about looks, not good health, so it is difficult to know your optimal weight. What I am saying is, your fertility and libido will likely both improve with better health.

    I will pray for you both.

    Blessings, Karen

    “Our contest is not only whether we ourselves shall be free, but whether there shall be left to mankind an asylum

  2. I believe because of the emotion and loss of the child, your body may not be responding to sex. You need the Lord to heal you. Speak with your husband and have him pray for you and over you. Theres nothing more powerful than when a husband prays over his wife. That is your key restoration. God will help you as you submit every area of your life to him. Also get in a strong biblical women’s group so they can gird you in prayer. Be careful because the enemy comes to kill steal and destroy and if you don’t deal with this situation satan can creep in. Be prayerful and ask the Holy Spirit for Wisdom. I will pray for healing and restoration for you and your husband.

  3. I recently had a miscarriage also and have experienced a similar lack in drive but not for that long as yet. I think part of it for me is psychological. Stress and grief really don’t increase your sex drive, but kill it. The other part for me we think could be nutritional (as in low in some vitamins/minerals). I gather that in the same way you can get low in iron after a normal period, that having a miscarriage could deplete your body of vital nutrients. We are trying zinc, iron and it is working much better. I would also recommend getting some good therapy to deal with the grief properly (note, not just counselling, find a registered, qualified psychologist who has a similar Christian worldview to yourself). Hope you can find something that starts working for you.

  4. I’ve had a low sex drive my whole life. I recently asked my doctor to get my hormones tested. She said that “you have your period, your hormones are fine”. They always come back “normal” on the test if you have your period. I went through a different doctor and got them tested. He said they were normal, but he didn’t even know what phase of my menstral cycle I was in. I said I took the test on day 21 of my menstral cycle and he thought it was the follicular phase, but it is the luteal phase. If you compare what my progesterone should be in the luteal it was very low. So I’ll take the results to a naturopath. Maybe I’ll end up taking a progesterone cream. Regular doctors don’t know much of anything about hormones. They don’t even really ask what day you had your period. They also seem to classify a whole range of disfunction as “normal”. It always comes back normal because that is how they define normal. However a good naturopath who actually asks what day of the month the tests were taken (should be day 21) will be able to properly access the results.

    However, there is another route you could take. I once went to a chiropractor because of mid back pain. He has a LSI International Interferential Stimulator. He usually puts it on my mid back but once he put it on my low back (treating the latissimus dorsi on the low back) around the S2-S3 spinal nerves. When I went home about 2 hours later my bowels were hyperactive and then my hormones got high like I’ve never had them before. Lasted about 3 days. I felt more feminine, less anxiety, more self confidence and a huge sex drive. It was the best thing that happened to me. I bought a less expensive Interferential stim on the Internet but it doesn’t work. Needs to be at least a commercial stim like the LSI International one he has. I’m considering buying one of them from for $1500. You can fix this. I’m 37 and still working on it… But have come a long way to finally solving this now. I know how bad it feels to not feel anything… and how awful when the man assumes you don’t love him. It’s all about the hormones. You can’t possibly feel anything if the hormones aren’t there. Just doesn’t work. Hope this helps.

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