A reader posed a question to me about a dilemma she is having. She has recently had an “awakening” and can’t get enough of her hubby. Recently, he has been losing his erection during intercourse. This has happened about 4-5 times in the past month. They are both in their early 30’s, 3 children, and he is an avid cyclist. She is starting to feel rejected. Can we help her with the words to communicate to her husband that she loves being intimate with him, but is a bit concerned about him losing his erection.
I know approaching a man about his erections can be a sore subject that some men don’t like to address. It can make them feel worse. Any suggestions for this reader?
How does he respond when it happens? Does he get upset and roll over, or does he say, that’s okay, lets keep you going anyway? My husband has started to have problems with this in the recent past (late 40’s) and he tells me to not worry about it but to let him continue to pleasure me. We’ve also noticed that there are certain factors that contribute to the problem. Alcohol (which is being addressed), taking his medication before intercourse, even trying to make love after a large meal. A penis needs blood to keep it erect, and if all the blood is being diverted to the stomach for digestion, it’s not going to be where it needs to be (in the penis). I only mention that because you say he’s an avid cyclist. Perhaps if you’re trying to make love after he’s been on a long ride, his blood is being diverted to his heart which has been working hard cycling.
We’ve also come to realize that he can only handle so many times of LM in a certain period of time. If we make love 2 days in a row, we find that we need to give him a couple day’s rest then. He’s not a spring chicken anymore… LOL.
I know none of this addresses how you can approach the subject with him, but that really depends on how he is feeling about it in the first place.
But I would suggest that perhaps you keep a little log for a while to see if there is a pattern of when this happens.
I suggest that she start trying things to help him keep his erection, and tell him that she is exploring how to help him in this way, and to increase his pleasure. Ask him to tell how he feels with various things- he may find that he is especially stressed at those times when he has this problem, and the wife can help relieve his stress. Maybe a relaxing massage, and slow and steady foreplay to help him build up. Maybe nutritional supplements and herbs. There is a lot on the internet to research.
“Our contest is not only whether we ourselves shall be free, but whether there shall be left to mankind an asylum
Really and truly, the first thing this couple needs to do is get to a doctor. This sounds like a low testosterone problem (something we’re dealing with at our house), and is completely treatable. It doesn’t sound like a loss of desire, though it might LOOK that way!
Hi, I felt compelled to comment on this subject because I believe there could potentially be a more serious reason for the struggle they are experiencing. If the husband is having trouble keeping/getting an erection, it could be an early indication of a cardiovascular issue…as in heart disease. You see, the blood vessels closer to major organs are larger than the ones in extremities, like the penis. So losing the ability to hold an erection could be an early warning sign.
My husband has had a lot of luck with cayenne pepper, horny goat weed (yes, that’s the name of it), and garlic. All in herbal form. all available OTC. 1 pill each about an hour or so before. Good luck!
I think be honest with your husband. Tell him how you feel but first perhaps find out how he feels. When it happens, don’t get frustrated or sad, just ask him. “What is on your mind sweetie?” Perhaps something is bothering him. Communication is key and if there is a difficulty it should be discussed. Be gentle and loving and patient. Protect his masculinity. Find how about how he is feeling first before throwing out how you feel! Don’t jump to conclusions that he isn’t attracted to you or doesn’t like making love to you.
I think it’s really important that they both know that this is very normal, even at their age. When this happens with older guys, it seems to make more sense to the wife, and it’s easier for her to deal with, but often when this happens with a young couple the woman feels undesirable and the man feels pressured.
I’m wondering how far into sex is this happening? Is she already quite satisfied? If not, she could masturbate in front of him, and they could both enjoy that. Has she discussed it with him? How many times a day does she expect him to ejaculate? When I had my awakening we had sex all the time! But, now dh is 50 and expecting him to come more than once or twice a day is asking too much. So, we often have sex without him coming to orgasm, and I’ve gotten used to that and don’t see it as a personal insult. We just stop when he gets soft.
They could research it together, try out some of the suggestions, and he could see a doctor if he is worried about it.
This article provides some causes and remedies. As far as talking to him don’t beat around the bush and don’t use “you” . ‘I feel that I’m not ….’ would do as a starter and then during the conversation bring up the points in the article. Also let him know that you don’t want him to quit the cycling.
I’m no expert but would suggest that first you pray about it. It’s awesome that we can go to God about any and everything. Ask God how to approach your DH in a compassionate loving way. Then find a time when you have his attention free from distraction and where there is no pressure to perform sexually. Reassure him that you love and appreciate him but there is a situation you two need to address. Let him know you only desire him, you want to please him and that you want the same in return. When you make love to him it’s a time to draw closer, be intimate and enjoy one another. Let him know that lately when you come together to make love, you feel a little rejected. Lay it all on the table and be truthful but not hurtful. Let him know how you feel. Ask him if he noticed any distance between you or if he has been under any stress recently. It’s important not to accuse or blame him. Encourage him. Together you can both work things out but you have to first talk about it in order for things to get better and not worse.
If he acknowledges there is a problem and addresses it, great. But if he dismisses it or get defensive, let it go for the moment and continue to pray and seek God’s face to know when to bring it up at another time. Meanwhile, continue to love and show affection towards him. Sometimes men take longer to process things and God can get his attention much quicker than you can. Don’t take silence as rejection and be patient. Remember, God is concerned with your whole being and not just your soul (You are a spirit, you live in a body and you have a mind). 3 John 1:2 says, “Beloved, I wish above all things that you may prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospers.” I pray that it works out for you. Be strong and wait on the Lord.
Normally, I do not post from men, but when I read this one, I thought it might be of some help to the original poster. I have had similar responses from men to this particular article similar to this ~ SN
being a man, I don’t normally try and post, but I’ve been encouraged by this blog for some time… I’m writing today because I think I might be able to offer a little practical advice if I could.
I’m an avid cyclist myself, and I can testify that this has been a problem in our marriage early on. cycling, especially on a standard frame bike, can cause damage to the nerves going to the penis. many men will experience numbness and other issues due to cycling on a regular basis.
I’ve been married to my wife now for about 12 years, and when we were first married we would ride about 30 miles a day. I started experiencing problems on a regular basis during this time. Until I found that there are special seats that you can get that will increase blood flow in circulation to those areas and they will not attend the nerves that effect the groin.
This is a common problem among cyclists and I’m glad she included this in her description. He may be very ashamed of this but it could actually be a simple fix. Looking at this, his clothing while cycling, as well as getting more chlorophyll based items, like greens and such in his diet could all help him to perform better in intimate times.
That’s my two cents from a guys perspective. thanks for hearing me out… even if you don’t let this comment be posted could you please pass this on to the reader
This husband should see his primary care Dr pronto and ask if he he can get a referral to a Urologist. The comment about the cycling leads me to wonder if he is putting to much pressure on nerves when he is riding his bike. Hopefully there is not permanent damage!
The first thing is to ask God for wisdom on how to approach him. If he’s open to suggestions there are creams that can help. There’s one in which the reviews highly rated the product. It on Adam and Eve web site. Its a chinese cream and its poweful. It states to apply with caution. You may want to consider that. All in all love him and tell him your needs with wisdom. A wise woman builds her home (husband), a foolish one tears it down. Prov !4:1. I pray this helps. God bless