This article drew my attention by just the title.   Contrary to popular belief, the HDS (high drive spouse) isn’t always the husband.   In my household, I am the LDS (low drive spouse).   A lot of what he talked about in the article really rings true.  I know all of those things.  I have heard my hubby say them many times.

Here are the 5 things the HDS feels:

1.  It’s part of who I am:  God created my DH special and unique.  His HDS is a part of that.

2. I can’t just turn it off:  When I went through my refusing years, I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just turn it off.  I was tired and didn’t feel like making love.  Why wasn’t he tired, too?  It wasn’t until I realized it was how God created him that I tried to be more understanding and thinking more of what his needs were.

3.  The pain of “no” becomes too hard to hear after awhile:  He’s told me that many times.   I try now to not say no, but say when we can do it…. not in 2015, but maybe the next morning or the following evening.

4. I don’t expect you to be me, I just want you to be “naked and smiling“:   Haha.  This one made me laugh.  He just likes me to be naked…. 😉  Then again, it can’t be a forced smile…

5.  Meeting a sexual need doesn’t always mean intercourse:  he tells me this all the time.  One of these days, I will get it.

How does it work in your household?  Are you HDS or LDS?

4 thoughts on “HDS vs LDS

  1. I would be the LDS. I don’t require anything ….ever. I could possibly live without it. I need to get into the habit of satisfying my hubby and that doesn’t mean having intercourse but if I decide that I don’t want to make love then I need to satisfy him another way. If we don’t give it they may get tempted to search elsewhere for their pleasure.

  2. I’m the HDS and I didn’t realize that until I was remarried a 1 1/2 years ago after a 20 year abusive marriage. My ex never cared about giving me pleasure, that was my “problem” as far as he was concerned and he expected me to act like a porn star. I remember how I really craved sex, but yet with him was really turned off and did all I could to avoid sex.

    Now fast forward to this day and my wonderful husband…he always makes sure I’m pleasured and actually has told me that if I don’t climax he would rather wait to finish later that day or the next because him being able to bring me to orgasm sends him over the edge…that’s all the foreplay he says he needs. 😉
    We are getting older…I’m 48 and he’s 58 and unfortunately deals with ED due to his blood pressure meds. As long as he takes his magic pill he doesn’t have a problem making love though.
    In our first year of marriage we made love about 4-5x/weekly…wonderful! But last fall my DH just didn’t seem to want to make love more than once or twice, mostly on the weekends because of his long work hours during the week. So, suddenly, when I was in the mood and crawling all over him, ;), he would just smile and withdraw and change the tv channel. Talk about being shut down and feeling suddenly undesired.
    I finally came to him in tears after a few months of this and told him how much I desire our intimate times together and felt like he didn’t want me anymore. He agreed that I needed more intimacy than he did and would try to respond better and more often.
    He has tried, but again with his work hours during the week (leaving at 3am and in bed by 7pm) and being extremely tired we still usually only make love on the weekends. But what was once only on Saturday mornings has increased to including Sunday and sometimes trying for Friday night.
    Yet for me, those 5 days in between are a killer! And I admit that usually at once during the weekdays I pleasure myself just for the release.

    I think the key in the situation of having a HDS and LDS, which I think probably every marriage is comprised of, is communication. Talk about it. Tell your spouse your desires. Explain where you are coming from regarding sexual intimacy, no matter what your drive is. And finding a compromise if possible.

    Great post. 🙂

  3. I am a HDS– my blog has been all about this topic: from no sex to better sex and a better relationship that was saved from inevitable separation. We’ve made some strides towards meeting in the middle. I would be happy with sex every other day; he’d be ok once a week or maybe every two weeks. We have tried to compromise with twice a week, and he has had to confront ED issues and take his blue pill. We’re still working on trying to find our groove. I do have to masturbate for release (I have found that my mood can be much improved with that oxytocin release, versus just crossing my legs and enduring until he’s in the mood), which I dislike doing because I’d like for ALL of my pleasure to be his, and I have told him this.

    As I said, my blog is all about this journey. It’s a good story in that we are making forward progress and I feel that we have turned our marriage back to stronger christian principles in our pursuit of better sex. I have learned the beauty of submission, and he is learning how to be the head or our home.

  4. I am the HSD in my marriage and my husband’s LSD has become a sensitive subject. I always initiate and he almost never seems interested. He claims that all women want sex and winds up calling me whorish or slut or alluding to the fact that I’m a nympho and insatiable. He says he’s been there done that with sex and I just have to understand. We have even been engaged in intercourse and he stops abruptly stating that he’s hungry or distracted. We have been married for 1 1/2 years and I’ve explained to him that I’d like to be intimate 2-4 times a week, not every day but he acts as though I’m being unreasonable. We are usually sexually active 2-3 times a month but I always feel like I’m being deprived and end up craving sex and suffering with the shame of having to ask for sex. I have never, ever had to ask for or initiate intimacy before in a relationship or marriage (I’ve been married previously) and I find it degrading, depressing and it angers me that we go through this. I don’t speak harshly or disrespectfully to him and I refuse to argue even though he tries to, but I don’t see how to resolve this. I have prayed about it and am continuing to do so but I feel so rejected and unwanted and to be honest, unloved many times.

    When I try to share my feelings about it, he says that he knows that it’s his husbandly duty to have sex with me but it feels like work. But he turns around and insults me with the name calling and I’ve never given him any reason to. I’m 35 and he’s 42, neither one of us have health issues but obviously he has other unresolved issues that he refuses to acknowledge. This situation is especially bothersome because I was previously molested throughout my childhood and gang raped in college, so to have the Lord heal me physically, spiritually and emotionally to a point where I experience feelings of sexually desire and long for intimacy with only my husband is a miracle. I feel as though I’ve been freed from the bondage of hurt and trauma and can’t really walk in that freedom with my husband. Any suggestions or words of wisdom?

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