Readers Questions: Are we responsible to meet our own sexual needs?

So many Christian and secular sex books seem to imply that each person is responsible for their own sexual needs being met; that it is their choice whether they have an orgasm or not. But what if your DH is not as skilled as you are in lovemaking? Or doesn’t see the urgency to learn, even though you’ve tried to communicate your needs? It seems easier to me to just satisfy his needs, take the pressure off him for satisfying yours, and go get some toys that will do the job. Everyone leaves happy. Has anyone else dealt with this and found a solution?

Are you and you alone responsible for your own sexual needs?  My hubby comes from the “She Comes First” ideology…. what do you think?  What is your experience?

5 thoughts on “Readers Questions: Are we responsible to meet our own sexual needs?

  1. Your point is well taken. My dh and I have my been married for 20 years and our sex life fizzled out when kids and work became our priorities. It is only now that we’ve both realized how much we’ve missed out on. In truth, I was more sexually skilled than my dh when we married. His lack of experience and my desire to not hurt his feelings quickly made our sex life one sided… But, I admit I was faking orgasms. We are both in our forties now and are finally actively having sex. I feel that it is my responsibility to share with my dh how difficult it is is for me to orgasm. It is my responsibility to ask for help, but it’s his responsibility to endeavor to expand his lovemaking repertoire.

    I have introduced him to the book, She Comes First. My dh has described himself as a novice when it comes to os. And he is, but so am I! So my orgasm is my responsibility in that I should work with my dh to help get me there. Toys are wonderful. That is how I’ve been able to get by in the absence of our sex life. But absolutely nothing can replace the presence of my dh. The loving touch or embrace of my dh is not available with any toy. He wants me to feel sexually satisfied and feels that it is his responsibility to do everything he can to get me there. So we both must care for one another enough to do just that!

  2. My husband is most satisfied when I am most satisfied. So as he is pleasing me, he actually is really enjoying himself and is happy with it that way. He is better at pleasing me and enjoying it than I am with pleasing him and enjoying it so it works well for us 😀

  3. I am dealing with this right now, but only because I am pregnant and can’t get comfy having sex. My husband is from the “she comes first” ideology as well, but I reassure him that I don’t mind giving him the pleasure he needs while I do not get off. He doesn’t know that I masturbate when I need to though. He’d love the idea of it, but it’s always something I kept personal and I fantisize about him when I do it. Is it wrong of me to not let him in on my little secret?

  4. I guess I should clarify this a little more, since I’m the one who submitted the question. When I talk about getting some toys that will do the job, I’m talking about making the time with your DH all about him. And then, going off in private (and in secret), and using the toys to relieve the pressure.
    To me, this seems like a better solution than causing more arguments in the bedroom. At the same time, sitting there and not dealing with your sexual needs could lead to satisfying them with other men; something I definitely don’t want. Has anyone ever dealt with this? Thanks. 🙂

  5. hovorn99~ in reading your original question, and further response, my sense is that there is an issue here that is deeper than the physical. Making sex “all about him” and then taking care of yourself might relieve some sexual tension, but I can’t imagine it doing anything to further your marital intimacy or strength as a couple. You’re essentially allowing him to use you for his sexual release only, and that isn’t okay. How to go about resolving this issue is of course something you’re going to have to explore. How is your relationship outside the bedroom? Do you communicate well? Is there touching and kissing outside of the bedroom? If all other areas of your marriage are strong, then perhaps you need to push through to make him hear you, even at the risk of arguments. Perhaps if there are other areas of discord, a marriage counselor might be of help to you as a couple.
    I do hope you can find a resolution to this issue. I firmly believe that mutual enjoyment and fulfillment in the marriage bed is the greatest blessing in marriage and nothing can replace it.

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