Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship and Life Together

How many of you have read this book by Mark and Grace Driscoll?  I have read about 75% of it on my Kindle Fire…. I’ve just not had as much time to read in the past month as I would like.   I would like to each week bring out a topic from their book and have a discussion on it.   If you want the true reference from the book, you’ll have to purchase it or borrow it from the library, but I am more than happy to discuss these topics even if you haven’t read it.

So over the next week, let’s start with the first topic from the book…. friendship in marriage.

Over on CN, I did a poll because I found out something interesting amongst not only my CN sisters, but other friends as well…. Is your husband your best friend?    In that poll, that you can see here, over 70% of women who took the poll said their husband was their best friend.  Some of my friends thought that was the weirdest thing in the world that I thought my hubby was my best friend.   The way I look at it, for the rest of my life, he’ll always be there.  I’ve had other friends come and go in different seasons of my life, but when the kids are grown and married and on their own, it will be him and me.   If we’re not close friends, then what happens to our marriage then?    I respect my husband and enjoy his company.   I want it to always be this way.   Why would it be so weird that he would be my best friend?

Now I do realize that your husband may not be you BEST friend, but it is important that you are friends with him.  Even in Song of Songs 5:16, the wife says, “This is my beloved, and this is my friend.”   Merriam-Webster defines friend as “one attached to another by affection or esteem” – I think we should all have the affection part down with our husbands, and I hope that the esteem part down as well.   You tell your friends everything.  There is nothing that I keep from my husband.  Sometimes I may not like what he tells me back, but…. shhh…he’s usually right!

When DH and I were traveling through the dark valley together that was my refusal years, I used to wonder … when my kids are older and gone, what is going to happen to us?  Will we even know each other?  That was the darkness I was in, but he proved to me beyond the shadow of a doubt that he would never leave me or forsake me.  He loved me.  He loved being married to me.  Now, I look to the future, and I really look forward to the time that he and I will have to spend together by ourselves.   I look forward to not having to worry about finding a babysitter…we can just get up and go whenever we want, wherever we want.   We can buy a two seater car!   He and I will be friends forever and ever as well as soul mates.

I work in an atmosphere with almost all women.  There are 17 of us that work most closely together.  I watch some of them as they talk about their husbands, and it isn’t always good.  Not all are married, so I worry about the impact that it places in their minds.   Some of them are in the empty nester phase, and it sounds like they barely tolerate their husbands…. that is so sad!  This should be the best years of your life in your marriage!  I truly hope to never go there and to find ways to help them enjoy their marriages.

What are your thoughts on this?  Is your husband your best friend?  What will your marriage look like when your kids fly from the nest?  If you are already an empty nester, what is your marriage like?  If you could do something differently, what advice would you give to us that still have children at home?

My biggest word of advice is to never stop dating your husband.   If money is tight, you can plan a picnic at home after the kids go to bed.   Try to at least once a month go out on a date with your husband…dinner, coffee, or a movie.   If you are plugged into a church, try to see if you can set up with another couple to share sitting…you watch their kids while they go out on a date and vice versa.   We didn’t date at all during my lowest period on our marriage.   Things are SO much better now that we go out by ourselves without the kids.   We have a teenager about to go off to college and a 4th grader…. so our date nights revolve around dinner on AWANAS night for the youngest or whenever the oldest can stay at home with the youngest.   It is so nice to at least get an hour to go out to dinner together on those nights.   Try to plan something, just you and your hubby.   I know we have a few military wives on here.   God bless you and your hubby.  I know it’s hard. I have a friends that doesn’t know from one day to the next when she will have time to skype or IM with her husband.   Send him care packages…. some of his favorite things from you.   Reminders of your love waiting for him at home.   Maybe take a picture of some places and have a “virtual date” with him…. send a picture of your favorite restaurant, and talk about what you would order there…what you would talk about over dinner…. what you would do after dinner.   Anything to keep the spark going until he comes home….or are you the on deployed?   Ask your DH to do the same for you.

Please tell me what your thoughts are on this topic.  I would love to hear them.

7 thoughts on “Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship and Life Together

  1. my husband is my best friend although it wasn’t always the case. Once I determined to be honest in my thoughts and not hold my emotions inside for fear of losing his love, I could quit worrying about it. We are in it together for the long haul. We’ve truly been tested with my mental health issues at times but we both know that we will love, honor, and cherish each other through good times and bad; in sickness and in health. We love being together. Our kids are gone from the nest; we have 2 grandkids and one on the way…
    a word of advice. Keep one car with at least 5 seats…gotta have room for the car seats 🙂

  2. i like this. relationship can be dull and uninteresting if we are too traditional about it. but most wives are so occupied with children that they never think in this way. the first reason for marriage is not babies. thanks.

  3. My hubby is my best friend, he’s the only one who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. We have two children, one still in high school and the other just finished. I also am the primary care giver to my mom who lives with us…..that opens up a ton of other issues lol. We try our best to make time just for us, sometimes I even warn my kids “Don’t come into our room for a while because I’m going to go make love to daddy.” They give us the eeewww disgusting comment but they stay out so it works!!! I can’t wait to grow old with my man ❤

  4. My DH and I have been best friends pretty much since the day we met. When we were dating I used to wonder what would happen if we broke up because we were such good friends… Would we still be friends or would we sever all ties, at the time I couldn’t bear the thought of that even if we decided to not date. Thankfully that never happened and I still have my best friend and a great husband… And a dad-to-be! I read this book about 6 months ago and I loved it. Some people say its controversial but I would say its just bare and real and that’s not always pretty but it is the truth. The other day I said something mean to my DH and afterwards I was kicking myself because I realized how horribly I had just treated my bestie which really puts it in perspective since we live in a society that slams husbands in general with little thought or care. I was quite ashamed when I realized I would never say the same thing so bluntly and thoughtlessly to one of my girlfriends no matter how true it was. Sometimes you need to remind yourself that you like the person you married despite their imperfections and they love the less than perfect you too.

  5. You know, back when I was in church choir, it used to astound me when I heard a husband OR wife talking down about their spouse. Even something like complaining about tooth-brushing comes across as so negative. I would always keep quiet & just leave, rather than engage in husband bashing. I LIKE my hubby! Even when he drives me crazy!

  6. my hubby is definitely my best friend. when we have problems, he will sometimes worry that i will one day leave him. i always remind him that even if we’re (or i am) having a problem with this, whatever it is, right now, i could never do such a thing because i love him. because he’s my favorite person in the whole world. he’s the first person i want to tell when something good happens, the first person i go to for comfort or advice when something bad happens, the first person i want to go do something with, and even after 9 years of marriage i still hate going to bed without him, and i still resist falling asleep knowing that in the morning he’ll be off again. i miss him even while he’s just gone at work for the day. those problems, they can all be worked out because i don’t want to lose my best friend.

  7. Ms. Nutmeg, I totally agree with you! My DH is has always been my best friend. We have always looked forward to the day when we will be empty nesters so we can just be the 2 of us again! We thought we would be there by now and are currently facing the challenge of that disappointment. We have 2 children, one who is 21 and not yet left home (my other bestie and I’m not bothered by our child’s presence) and one in college. Our challenge is that we have recently moved my mom in law in with us and I am her care giver. Her condition requires 24 hour supervision. We have become VERY creative in the dating department since we rarely get the opportunity to leave the house together these days. Sometimes our date night means that my DH plans and prepares a “fancy” dinner for me (and everybody else, too) and his mom and whoever else is at home will eat in their rooms so we can have dinner alone or dinner and a movie! Last week we made a fire outside in the fire pit and watched a movie on the lap top in order to escape. While we have had many major changes in our lives recently we know that they are not forever and we will be empty nesters one day. One of the great things about our disappointment is that we get to face it together as friends. I can’t even imagine that my DH would be anything but my best friend!

    By the way, thank you for your ministry! I found your blog at a very much needed time in my life!

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