Archive | November 2012

POTW: X Marks the Spot

In this position the two of you will form an x shape. You may have done something similar with your husband on top, but in this one the wife is on top.

To get into position, have your husband lie down on his back and get on him as you normally would for woman on top. Then straighten out your legs so they are parallel to his. At this point rotate your body to the right or left of him and set yourself up so that you are in form to do a push up. You may prefer to keep one of your legs in between your husbands or to put both your legs on the outside of his. The latter will cause the two of you to make an X shape.

This position allows your husband to fondle your breasts, rear and other body parts easily. With you doing most of the work, he can lie back and just enjoy you.

original article and comments

Throwback Thursdays: Instructional Sex Videos

Question: My wife and I have started to watch instructional videos by “better sex” and we are wondering if that is OK. We both were looking for something a little more “detailed” and “explicit,” but not porn. Is this wrong?

Answer: I researched the Better Sex Guide DVDs and my initial impression is that it is probably best to avoid them. Here are my reasons:

1) In most cases, the actors are not actually married (though they may be acting as though they are) so not only are you entering in to voyeurism, but you are also supporting an industry that doesn’t hold any regard for the standard God established for a wonderful sex life.

2) I am convinced that you can learn more by communicating well with one another and reading non-pornographic material from Christians who hold a godly world view on sexuality than you can learn from such videos. There are so many wonderful books and websites released by people who are making every effort to be sure that their sex lives line up with God’s standard. If you want to become better lovers, you are better off pursuing healthy information like this from Christians and establishing good communication about your sexual relationship. The DVDs seem like the easy way out and will not benefit you as greatly in the long run. Many of the reviews I read indicated that they weren’t very helpful to the people who watched them anyway.

3) Finally, the issue of lust is a key and you would be hard pressed to convince me that men and women can watch these DVDs without allowing the sin of lust into their hearts.

Thank you for your question. We bless you and your wife to have an increase in godly passion in your marriage.

original article and comments

What We See in Each Other

I received this in my email box from Biblegateway’s “Devotions for Couples” and this really reminds me of my own marriage.  I thought I would share it with you.

1 Samuel 16:1–13

“The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
1 Samuel 16:7

Samuel was sent to the house of Jesse to find a new king. When he got there, Samuel saw Eliab, one of Jesse’s sons. “Surely, he is the one God has chosen to be the next king,” Samuel thought. Evidently, like the previous king, Saul, Eliab was tall and striking. But Eliab was not the one God had in mind.

God warned Samuel not to assess people by their physical appearance. God reminded the old prophet that he doesn’t look at the outside; he looks at the inside. So each of Jesse’s sons passed before Samuel, but God did not indicate that any of them was the man God had sent him to find. Finally, David, the youngest son, came in from the fields. Then the Lord spoke to Samuel, telling him this was the right one.

When we look at someone’s outward appearance, we often fail to see what God sees. This message was clearly illustrated to writer John Fisher when he was speaking at a seminar. “A couple came in late, and I could see that they were in love,” Fisher said. “I couldn’t help but notice the woman was very attractive, while the guy was a real nerd.

“What could she see in him?” Fisher wondered. From the outside, this couple didn’t look like a match. “Then I realized she was blind,” Fisher said.

“What did she see in him? She saw everything that was important in a person. She saw love. While another woman might not have gotten past this man’s unimpressive exterior, she was blind to that. She only saw his heart. Blessed are the blind, for they can see people as they really are.”

Like Samuel, we often make judgments based on what people look like. But God doesn’t use looks as his criteria. He evaluates people by what’s in their hearts. He sees their character, their faithfulness and their commitment to him.

During courtship, we can be charmed by someone’s good looks, attentiveness or flattery. All of that can be fleeting. Over the course of a marriage, the real person breaks through. Perhaps as your marriage ages, your spouse’s outward appearance starts to change. Your spouse grays, loses hair or gains a little weight. Perhaps the two of you fall into a rut, and the special treatment that marked your dating period begins to wane. That’s when we need to remember what the Lord said to Samuel about focusing on what’s in the heart rather than what’s physically noticeable.

The success of a marriage comes, not in finding who we think initially is the “perfect” person for us, but in our willingness to adjust to the real person we married.
Jennifer Schuchmann

Let’s Talk

  • What characteristics initially attracted us to each other? What qualities do we treasure most today?
  • The blind woman never saw her partner’s appearance. Like God, she only saw his heart. Would we rather have people look at our appearance or at our heart? Why?
  • What steps are we taking to improve our faith, our character and our commitment to God?

POTW:The Italian Chandelier

My husband and I love to try different positions.  We take a standard position, tweak it a bit, and then it happens……a brand new, never done before position is born.  Then I will poke around online and see that this new invention of ours is not so new to the rest of the world.  In fact I even found out how many calories were burned during this particular position but I do not think it’s too accurate.  I didn’t even break a sweat but it is now our most favorite position.  It’s officially called “The Italian Chandelier”.  I love the name so I think we will be referring to it as that too.  ;)


Have your husband lay flat on his back,  his knees bent with the balls of his feet flat on the bed.  You will straddle him facing his feet so that you are in a reverse cowgirl position but instead of sitting straight up you are now going to lie back on top of your husband.  Now get into a crab-like position where your legs are outside his and your arms are on either side of him supporting your back up off his chest.  So now, as well as it being reverse cowgirl-like it’s also a rear entry position. Here are the wooden figures, provided by sexualpositionsfree, showing the finished position.


He should be able to thrust and get leverage from his legs and you should be able to meet his thrusts with your own while getting leverage from your arms, as well as your legs.  While he is thrusting he can caress your breast.  If you can support your weight with one arm, you can stimulate your clitoris with a toy or your fingers with the other, non supporting arm.  Both the G-spot and clitoris can be stimulated in this position resulting in a fabulous orgasm.

Now I’m off to ‘invent’ some new positions with the love of my life. 8)

original article and comments

Throwback Thursdays: Pornography, The Spice that Destroys Sexual Taste Buds

It’s no secret that the contributors to this blog view sex as one of God’s most brilliant ideas. Since Satan can not create anything himself in his efforts to take as many people to hell with him as he can, his only option is to distort what God has already created. Pornography is one distortion that ensnares a lot of people, robbing them of the pleasure they were intended to enjoy in their sexual relationship with their spouse.

Veiled as a harmless act of watching something to aid in arousal, pornography is actually something that has destroyed more relationships than I care to think about for very long. So what is the problem? Why does it matter? How does it affect us? Does God care if we use pornography? I will interact with these questions and more in this series Pornography: The Spice that Destroys Sexual Taste Buds.

Doesn’t this definition from Merrium-Webster make pornography sound innocent?

“The depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement.”

What could be wrong with this? Sounds like a great way to make sex spicy, doesn’t it? The problem is that this definition doesn’t speak to the men who saw pornographic images at the age of 10 and have be ruin from it. Or to the women they married who battle trying to figure out what is wrong with them that they can not seem to please their husbands. Or to the women who have found themselves viewing pornography and wondered why they struggle with a “men’s issue.” Isn’t pornography just something that men deal with?

Pornography can come in many forms; pictures, videos, erotic literature and so on. It does not discriminate between men and women, sinner and saint, old and young. Anyone left unguarded is vulnerable to it’s grip. Pornography is dangerously addictive so it is important that we be fully aware of the potential it has to leave a wake of destruction in it’s path.

God and Pornography

The Lord God holds the answer to everything and he has given us a guide to show us the way to live. The word pornography does not need to be in the Bible for us to understand God’s view of it. Consider these words He has given us as they relate to pornography.

Matthew 7: 24-27 Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.

Matthew 5:27-30 You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

Matthew 6:22-23 The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

2 Samuel 11:2-3a One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her...

In the case of David, he allowed the lust of his eyes to become a snowball of destruction. The good news is that, as my favorite teacher Bill Johnson says, God can win with a pair of twos. He can take a situation where a king commits adultery and murder, and release His Plan despite that to make the king’s family line the one that eventually bares the Messiah. If you or your spouse have battled pornography, God can bring healing, but let there be no confusion of how He despises the way pornography has diminished His original plan.

Marriage and Pornography

Allowing pornography into your marriage, whether you view it individually or as a couple, is damaging on so many levels and I will touch on some of them here. My husband and I have both had minor struggles with pornography and we have been open with each other about our battles, but we have also been clear that it is such a slippery slop and thankfully we have avoided watching it together which we believe would be even more damaging.

When pornography is factored into the equation, the following issues contribute to establishing a block to intimacy.

~ A person who uses pornography to become aroused is taking an emotionally easy, non-relational path to arousal which not only numbs them to the less overt methods of their spouse, but also, because it requires nothing of them, it establishes a belief that they aren’t required to be a participant in arousing their spouse.

~ The spouse of a person who views pornography can not compete with the images being portrayed because they are based on fantasies. The one viewing pornography is building up a sexual situation in their mind which doesn’t actually exist. This type of fantasy is impossible to live up to. We are not talking about a fantasy where, for example, a husband would like to see his wife wear more lingerie. We are talking about a fantasy where the objectified person looks a certain way, acts a certain way, possesses certain characteristics. It is a total package that is impossible for a real human being to live up to, and they should never have to.

~ Not only can the spouse of a person using pornography not live up to the expectation of becoming a real life version of this fantasy, but they also find themselves questioning why they are not adequate as a lover. Why does their spouse need to go to pornography when he or she is available? Are they unattractive? Are they not good enough in bed? This reasonably leads to feelings of insecurity. Although they are not to blame for the problem, they often find themselves feeling like they are.

~ Another way that pornography blocks intimacy is that it contributes to feelings of jealousy. It’s not going to go over well to have a husband or wife know that their spouse is getting aroused by looking at other naked people, and rightly so. God planned for us to find fulfillment of our sexual desire in the eyes and arms of the person we are married to.

~ Finally, rather than love making being a time of enjoying one another and building intimacy, each one has images and/or questions running through their head. The one viewing pornography has those images attached to their sexual arousal and desire so it becomes part of their marriage bed. The one married to the one viewing pornography participates in sex and thinks “Is he thinking about those two girls doing it? Are my boobs big enough? Do I have to do what that other girl did?” “Does she wish I were more like that guy with such a large penis? What if I don’t satisfy her? Does she think I’m a bad lover?” These are not the things you want to have running through the minds of two people united in the most amazing act in all creation.

If you are battling pornography I suggest that first of all, you acknowledge it for what it is. No excuses. Come to the Lord and confess your sin and ask him to take it from you. If it is something you battle habitually, talk to your spouse and get some accountability. If your spouse is the one battling porn, pray. Pray a lot. God is the only one who can change someone’s heart. Also be clear about your expectations with your spouse. There is a fine line between nagging and being straight forward about how you want your spouse to behave. Find the line. You may still be accused of nagging, but you are fighting for what God intended for your marriage.

original article and comments here

Developing Intimacy in Marriage

Many people know that something is missing from their lives but usually can’t quite put their fingers on what it is they’re lacking. That’s why so many people feel lonely, or empty, or unfulfilled although they appear to have every reason to feel just the opposite.

What is this elusive prize?


Humans are born with an irresistible need for it. With the exception of those He gifted for singleness (1 Corinthians 7:7), God intended from the beginning that we develop intimacy with another person to the point that the two will become ONE (Genesis 2). One in flesh (sexual intimacy), one in Him (spiritual intimacy), and one in heart (emotional intimacy).

Sadly, our work with thousands and thousands of marriages clearly reveals that most couples don’t have that wonderful oneness. Millions of couples have sexual congress, but few experience sexual intimacy. A growing number of spouses share faith, but few share it to the point that they feel true intimacy with God and each other. Couples live in the same house, but not many share true emotional intimacy. Witnessing the sparseness of it among married people – even Christians – led me to place a warning in my book Becoming One:

If your life seems empty or unfulfilled, it may well be because you don’t feel the intimacy with your spouse God designed you to have. If you experience feelings of loneliness or occasionally find yourself longing for a relationship very different from the one you now have, it’s almost a sure thing that intimacy hasn’t reached its intended level.

Why is that important to know?

Because at Beam Research Center we continually encounter people who lose their marriages because they despaired of finding within it what they so badly needed. Their misguided longing for intimacy masquerades in many costumes. Some think they crave more sex. Others more fame. Others a chemical high to replace the dullness or pain of their lives. People looking for intimacy so often are so confused about what it really is that they are after that they find themselves capable of making nearly any kind of destructive decision – paramours, posturing, parties. They exchange what they are experiencing for what they think they want to experience, only to discover that they are just as unfulfilled as before.

What’s the answer?

It’s as simple as falling in love.

In previous articles, I began sharing my “Falling in Love” Model that explains how people fall in love, fall out of love, and how they can fall in love with each other again. The first thing that draws us to another is the allure of his or her physical attractiveness. But not every person we find attractive reciprocally finds us attractive. And not every person we find attractive is a person with whom we would want intimacy once we came to know him or her. By the time we reach adulthood, most of us have learned that a person’s outward appearance may not accurately represent the personality within. Sometimes a “beautiful” person can be downright ugly, and someone that is unattractive by the world’s standards can be quite beautiful.

So what is the next step after attraction in developing love? Is it intimacy? Of course it is. But let’s call it acceptance, because the best way to understand it is to understand intimacy.

But first, let’s acknowledge the dilemma.

Would it surprise you to know that in national surveys, men and women have different ideas about what intimacy is? Men tend to define it as some form of action, such as sexual union or physically doing something for the female. (“What do you mean we need more intimacy? I just built you a gazebo!”) Women tend to view intimacy as sharing an emotional bond, warmth, closeness, and vulnerability. As one woman explained to me, “Say it slower and you have the definition. Into-me-see.”

In terms of falling in love or rebuilding love, both genders have it right. No, not equally right. Women have the better grasp of it. We males have to learn that we must begin with the woman’s definition of intimacy if we ever want to experience intimacy as we view it. But men do have it right that if a couple genuinely develops warmth and closeness, it will lead to actions, sexual and otherwise. While it is possible to start with the actions and hope for the feelings to come later, that path is fraught with multiple perils. The better course is to develop the emotional oneness that is intimacy, and then allow the actions to naturally follow.

How can we guys do that?

Well, it takes understanding on the part of both husband and wife. The first thing that must happen is that we have to quit teaching each other to lie. Next, we need to understand the sequence most people follow as they learn to make themselves vulnerable to the other. Understanding that sequence can change the way you communicate to each other in marvelous fashion. Finally, we must learn how to give (and get) acceptance, even when we hear our spouses say things we don’t like.

In the next few articles I intend to explain all this and more, as we look at how any two people can develop emotional intimacy that leads to sexual and spiritual intimacy. If your marriage is in so much trouble that you cannot wait weeks for the answers, click here for information on our marriage-saving seminar.

As you read these articles, feel free to read more at While I cannot guarantee personal answers to all questions, I will answer pertinent questions in future columns. Let’s not settle for anything less than genuine intimacy; intimacy with God and intimacy with the marriage partner he has given us.

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Joe Beam is a best-selling Christian author and internationally respected marriage expert.   Joe Beam founded Beam Research Center , an organization that provides marriage help to hurting couples.     Reproduced with permission.

Short Leave of Absence

I got word this past Friday that my father has been hospitalized, so I will be away from the blog this week.  I have scheduled some things to publish for this week, but I will be unable to review and publish comments or answer emails.  Thanks for understanding.

I hope you have a wonderfully blessed Thanksgiving.  I am so thankful for readers such as you who support me and this blog.