Archive | June 2012

Throwback Thursday: How do I ask for oral sex?

“My husband has never given me oral sex and is uncomfortable talking about sex in general.  I love to go down on him and he really enjoys it too.  Any suggestions on asking him to go down and give it a try?  I kind of feel like if he hasn’t taken the initiative maybe he doesn’t want to do it.  I feel embarrassed to ask but I’d really like to have the experience.”

What a very sensitive subject!  I can certainly understand your desire to want to experience it, but how to go about asking for it can be somewhat intimidating.  Well, let’s talk about a few things that may help to pave the way for your husband giving you oral sex.

Hygiene. If you want your husband sticking his face between your legs, then make sure you are CLEAN!  When you shower, make sure that you are cleaning around your vulva lips, hair (if you have hair), and perineum and anus area.  The simple truth is that we women self lubricate, and when you combine that with sweat and using the bathroom during the day… it can make for some unappealing odors.  If you have hair, be aware that it can trap odors, making them worse.  If you don’t have hair, be aware that the smooth skin can actually sometimes sweat worse because it doesn’t have the hair as a ‘buffer.’  I like to keep myself shaved bare, but I also like to go commando most of the time.  I have learned that in skirts and dresses I may actually need the panties to help absorb sweat and cut down on odors on warm days.  So I compromise with thongs.  🙂

Opportunity. If it’s cunnilingus you want, then make sure you are giving him opportunities to try it out.  Instead of always kneeling to give him oral sex, which always puts your genitals out of reach, change things up a bit.  While you are lying on the sofa or bed making out, turn your upper body downward toward his feet and lean over and start giving him oral sex with your vulva still up near his face.  Open your legs slightly and let him see.  If you’re daring enough then finger yourself while you are giving him oral pleasure.  These things will be open invitations for him to touch you.

69. You could always bring up the subject of doing “69” together and see what he thinks/feels about it.  You could even bring him to our website and show him our position #46 and ask him if he’s willing to try it out.  This is basically the same thing as asking him to perform oral sex on you, except you are not having to use those specific words, and you will be giving to each other mutually.  I normally prefer the more direct approach, but because you say he is uncomfortable talking about sex in general, I thought that this would be a way to ask for it without having to ask for it.  This would be basically the same thing as giving him a BIG hint that you want to try it.

Be Direct. If you have been working overtime on the cleanliness and have given him opportunities and hints and nothing still seems to be working, then maybe you should just be direct with him.  I know that you said he isn’t comfortable talking about sexual things, but sometimes we need a little encouragement to come out of our ‘comfort zone’ in order to grow.  I would suggest that you pick a time to talk to him outside of your marriage bed.  In other words, don’t wait until you are in the middle of sex to mention it.  Tell him you’d like to sit down and talk to him about something and ask when would be a good time.  Make sure you two are alone and have each other’s undivided attention.  Start off by telling him some of the things that you love about your sex life.  Mention things that he does or says that make you melt.  Then say that you’d like to have a conversation about anything new you two might like to try together, and ask him if anything is on his mind that he’d like to try… maybe a new position etc.  Listen to what he has to say. Then at some point mention that you’ve been wondering what it would be like to receive oral sex.  “Honey, do you think that is something we could try?” Hopefully the conversation will go further and you two can discuss it.

If you absolutely do not think you will be able to get him to talk to you about sexual things, then you could always write it out for him to find.  Two ways are using email or a notebook.  You can write out your thoughts and feelings into the first page of a notebook and leave it on his side of the bed.  Tell him one evening that you wrote him a note and that you’d very much like for him to write you a note back in reply if he can.  That way maybe he will be able to write out his thoughts to you easier than saying them out loud face to face.  (This method has worked for other couples that have the same issues with talking.)  You can keep the journal in a nightstand and write back and forth to each other whenever you need to.

You may find that your husband feels inadequate at giving oral sex.  He may be too scared to try because he doesn’t have any experience with it and doesn’t know how to start.  If that’s the case then feel free to print out any of our articles pertaining to oral sex!  Here are some that you may be interested in:

(note: these links take you back to

original article

Q&A: How do we increase our lovemaking per week?

I had a couple write to me from my Got Questions page.  Here is your chance to help out, too.  Here is the gist of their email without revealing the whole thing….

*married over 7 years

*both are high drive

*porn is a problem from the past and that spouse is trying to commit to never going back to it.

*fear of getting pregnant by one spouse; they have agreed mutually not to have children, but haven’t gotten anything permanently done to prevent it yet.

*they would like to be a 3-4 times a week instead of once a month.

Where to start…

The first thing I would recommend, is to sit down and communicate about what both of you want out of your sex life.   Let her talk first, repeat back to her what you have heard, but mostly, just listen.  No words, no ugly faces… just listen.   Then reverse it, so the husband gets to talk, no comments, etc from the wife…she just listens.  Think about what each other has just said.   Never do this at home in the bedroom.   Take a date night to Starbucks, or ask for a private booth at your favorite restaurant.    Is the porn usage a big issue?  If so, turn over all the “keys” you have to your spouse…. if you can view it from your Smartphone, you may want to look into something that will not allow you to use the internet.  Have your computer in a public, open area in the house, where no secrets can be kept.  Give your spouse all your passwords (well, spouses should have each other’s passwords anyways).   Is the pregnancy risk an issue?  What are you doing in the meantime to prevent pregnancy?  Is birth control an issue?  (One spouse having to do all the birth control)  If the wife is on birth control, is it one that is diminishing her libido.  BC KILLED my libido.   I refuse to take it anymore.   DH and I have 2 kids… we don’t want anymore.  We haven’t done anything permanent yet either…. he’s uninsured, so a “V” is really expensive cash payment for us.  I am insured, but having any kind of surgery would take me out of commission for awhile and I have a hard time leaving other people in charge at work.   So for the time being, we use the pull out method…. Of course, that method isn’t good for most, but that’s our solution for the moment.    Is stress getting in the way from work?  Relationships within your families strained?  Depression?

I would really need more information to know how to give more advice, so I am throwing out the first things that come to mind.  So, reading family, what advice would you give?

There’s an App for That

My dh and I both have Android phones.  I was amazed when he showed me how many different kinds of games and applications are on this phone!  So I started searching for some games at first….

My favorite games that I have downloaded are Draw Something,  Sodoku,  iSpadez, & Jewels.  I downloaded Hangman and Mole Mole for my daughter and we also downloaded Air Hockey.  Helps keep us busy on those long doctor office waits or when we are on the road.

I started finding more and more….Business apps… Quickoffice, post it notes, calculators and alarms, banking apps, several email accounts, Adobe readers, etc.  Social networks like Facebook.  WordPress so I can keep up with my favorite blog on my phone :-)   Goofy things, like Coin Flip to solve arguments between my two kids.   WebMD.  Kindles.   Flash Lights.  Navigation programs and Google maps.  Geico Brostache!  (HAHA…)

So once I got all these fun things, I got to thinking… I wonder if there is a menstrual calendar.  I am TERRIBLE about keeping one at home anymore and I hate putting it in my purse calendar (now, why do I need one in my purse when I can download one on my phone??)  So I did a search, and WOW, there was a menstrual calendar and calculator!  Awesome.  I can put in my menstrual dates in, and it gives me estimates of when I should ovulate and when I can expect my next cycle!  I can record temperatures in it for NFP if I so chose to do it.  I can notate when I ML to my hubby.  I can record doctor appointments…medications I am taking…. Record if and when I take an ovulation test or pregnancy test, moods, etc.   WOW!  All of this for FREE!  I am set!

But then it got me thinking more…. What else can I find on here related to sex?  So I head back to the Droid market and type in sex.   Paid and free apps … sex positions, sex offenders… sex dice…hmmm interesting….sex facts…. Cunnilingus 101…. Oh, a Magic sex ball…. Mobile vibrators (??) … sex stories… sex games….sex position of the day….explicit sex positions kinky foreplay….sexy texts… oh, my, there was SO MUCH.

Now here’s my question, though… my son also has a Droid phone.  He got my old one when we upgraded.  The more I looked at that list, I got to “Sexy Asian Girls”  Ummm.  I think this is one place where some discussion is needed.

We are in a world today where we are exposed to more sex in on our TV, in songs on the radio, on the internet…. And now on our iPhones and Droid phones as well.   The world in general is a very dangerous place for those who are struggling with porn.  Our kids can download this apps on their own phones.  People don’t think twice about sexting.  Did you know that I heard there is now an app where you can text a sexy or pornographic picture and it “self destructs in 10 seconds” after the text was opened?  No trace of the picture what so ever!  As technology gets greater, we get more temptations out there that we need to guard our hearts.  While some of these apps that I mentioned above may be harmless and useful, there are still others that we need to guard our hearts on.

If you have a phone where you can download these apps and carry them around on your phone, how do you feel about this?  What kind of apps are on your phone?  Have you downloaded any sex apps?  How do you guard your heart when there is so much temptation out there?   Let’s start a discussion on what we should be careful of and what is truly helpful.

Lord, Enable Me to Resist the Temptation to Sin

This chapter brought back a question I always used to ask…. King David… the man after God’s own heart…. why would he cheat on his wife and murder his adultress’ husband?   I mean really?   Then I am reminded, that even people who seem to have it all, really don’t.  They have sin, too.

I don’t think I would ever commit adultery.   I love and adore my husband so much.  He is so patient with me, and he loves me even when I am unlovable…. which now is a really good time to love me unconditionally when I am starting through perimenopause… lol.   But that doesn’t ever stop thoughts, does it?  I mean, I don’t ever think my way into lusting over another man…. but sometimes Satan will take a vision of someone that is attractive in some way and play it around in your brain.   Some one with good looks…. someone with an extremely caring heart…. someone with an awesome talent…. someone who just understands you better…. well, the attraction is there somehow.    Any time Satan tries to creep into my mind about something that I see that he (Satan) perceives that is lacking in my marriage, I sing him away.    Sing praise songs to God about just about anything…. I don’t memorize scripture very well, but I do remember song lyrics….then I go find them in the bible.  They are usually there.  Put a scripture to music, and I am there.

I saw this picture on Facebook this past Sunday from a cartoon called “Maxine”.  I think most of you are familiar with her cranky, sarcastic cartoons.  Sometimes I laugh at them and repost them on my facebook page, but this one, I said, “No, I actually don’t agree with you this time, Maxine.”  Here it is….

This is so not true!  This (romance novels) is what got me in trouble in the first place!  Expecting men to be like the ones in romance novels.   I spent too many years before meeting my DH looking for those men!   Sleeping with the wrong men who I thought would be like them…. and even when I met my hubby, he was nothing like any of those men, but God gave me the green light to marry him.   “This is who I have chosen for you, my child.”

She gives six things to remember about temptation….

1. WHO: It can happen to anyone.   I watched as an ELDER of a former church got involved in an affair with a woman on the Praise team (he was the Praise leader)  This man I always looked up to as a highly spiritual man, but it still happened to him….just like King David.  Guard your hearts, ladies!

2. WHAT:  Sex isn’t the only tempter, even though it is a big one in this world….money, power, desire…. Satan knows what you desire the most, and believe me, he will use it to tempt you into sin.    God can give you the strength to resist it.  Ask him to help you!

3.  WHEN: Anytime, and especially when you least expect it.   Don’t think you can handle it alone.   It is always serious no matter when it happens.

4.  WHERE:  Anywhere…. on the metro bus on the way to work, at work, at church, at home… anywhere.  If there is a certain man that tempts you, don’t be around him.  Separate yourself from the temptation at all costs.

5. WHY: Satan knows what God has planned for you, and he wants to distract you from it knowing there are pleasures that you would rather seek than doing God’s will.   You never realize that it’s not only you that gets hurt by your sin, but others, too, as well.    Temptation comes your way, then FLEE!

6. HOW: Doesn’t matter how…. Wherever your weakness is, the how will find you.   I like the way she says it’s a set up by the enemy intended to bring you down”    Don’t let him bring you down.  Put on the full armor of God, put up that shield, and tell it to be gone!

When you feel the urge….the temptation… that is when you start praying.   It really works.   If you are like me, and don’t memorize verses well, most of you know the Lord’s Prayer … “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil….”  (Matthew 6:13)   Pray “Lord, guide me away from this temptation and keep me safe from Satan and his lies.  Show me the truth.”

The leader of my Ladies Bible study who has become a very good friend to me, said once when evaluating if something is from God, put it to the Philippians 4:8 test… “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”    Thinking about that man who is tempting you … is that thought true? (no), is that thought noble (no), is that thought right? (definitely not),  is that thought pure? (nope), is that thought lovely (it might seem lovely, but in the grand scheme of things…no), is it admirable? (ummmm…no), is it excellent?  is it praiseworthy?   If the answer to ANY one of these questions is no, then it’s not of God.   Actually, she told me if you ask the first question and the answer is no, there is no need to go on….. it nullifies that thought right there as not biblical or being from God.   God would never tell you to cheat on your husband with another man.   God wants us to think of things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy…. if your answers are all yes (truthfully yes, not tempted to say yes because that is the way you feel), you can tell that it is from God.

Feelings….that’s a whole nother post!

In what ways do you use to overcome temptation?  Do you wish to share?

Throwback Thursdays: Erotica v Real Touch

I think I have started confusing erotica online with real touch. I find myself loving the idea of sex but not the act itself. Me and my husband used to have a okay sex life, but now that I am feeling this it has gone way down. I just want to know if there is anyway I could just forget everything I have learned about sex, and start over? And if it’s more complicated than that, what steps can I take to get back in touch with him?

I loved this question. I thought it was so honest and I could relate to the struggle of sometimes choosing the “easy” way to arousal by using external stimuli. I think for many women we find that our minds are very connected to our arousal. For some of us it’s not enough to just be physically stimulated and we need to actively engage our minds in the process, too.

I think this woman asks an important question. After getting used to outside influences causing arousal, is it possible to retrain our brains and, if so, how do we do it? I’d love to hear your own insights in the comment section after I share mine here. I do think it’s possible to retrain our brains and I believe that much of the success of the process depends on how helpful our husbands are and how honest we are willing to be with them and ourselves. It takes a lot of self reflection to learn why we do what we do. What the motivators are that cause us to make the choices we make in our sexuality will be the start to getting free from habits and mindsets that limit our sexual pleasure in marriage. So honest prayer and introspection is key. Here are some of the important questions to ask ourselves in this process, and you could apply these sorts of questions to any sexual temptation you are encoutering:

  • What kinds of erotica am I drawn to online?
  • What is it about those things that makes me feel sexually excited?
  • Does part of me feel aroused because it feels like naughty sex?
  • Does my husband know that I get hot by the idea of this in bed?
  • How could I bring that arousal into the reality of our sex life?
  • Does married sex have any negative associations for me?
  • Has our culture’s voice saying “Sex goes down hill after you’re married” taken root in my heart in any way?
  • Other questions?

In many cases you will find that one of these questions stimulates another question. That’s great. It may help you to journal or map out your thoughts as you consider and pray about how these kinds of questions have influenced your sexuality. And if you can be honest with your husband the two of you can work together to build true erotica in your sex life. If this isn’t something the two of you have discussed before, the context with which you establish the initial conversation can significantly influence his response. Compared these two statements,

“I don’t like this about our sex life and I am bored in bed. What do you want to do about it?”

“Hey babe. I am so excited to see us become even better lovers to one another. I really want to see our sex life on fire. Can we talk about how the two of us could make that happen?”

Which one would you respond better to? Such a different tone in the two statements! How easy is it to bring the positive, proactive, same-team mentality into the conversation rather than the negative one? It just takes a change in your heart and then the good that is in your heart will flow out.

In the Bible in Romans 12:2 it says to not conform to the pattern of this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. It goes on to say that in doing this you will be able to know what God’s will is. His good, pleasing and perfect will. How do you think this portion of scripture might relate to the issue we are discussing? Please feel free to continue this discussion in the comment section. I am certain you have further insights on the issue.

original article

Separate? Or Mutual?

I’m talking orgasms here!

Okay, my husband has taken up the “She comes first” motto every time we make love.  While I appreciate his efforts to make my experience as pleasurable as possible, I still have this dream of us having our orgasms at the same time.

Do I expect it every time?  No.

Would it be nice on occasion?  Yes.

I don’t know what it is about orgasming together that really gets me going.  Honestly, I don’t expect it at all.  I know I’ve dreamed of it in the past, but I realize it takes a lot to get me going, let alone us both at the same time.

Like I said, my husband’s main focus and goal is for my sexual pleasure during love making, which is incredible.  It doesn’t always happen, but it is nice to know that he is interested in making our LM very pleasurable for me.  I just think it would be nice on occasion, it would be incredibly intimate and exhilarating — for him to just let go when he hears my orgasm coming like a freight train….I should ask him if this is just too intimate for him or if I read too many romance novels or watched too many Soap Opera when I was younger or what….

I saw a thread on the Marriage Bed about it, and it seemed like the consensus of people on that thread weren’t really interested in it.  Is it just weird for me to still wish he would do it?  Should I just let it go and pray that just once, he will let go and I get my desire?

Maybe I should make a poll on this one…. lol.  I haven’t made a poll since my old CN days!  How do you feel about this topic?  Is it important to you?  Not important to you?   Great if it happens?  Never happened at all?   Wish it would?