Archive | June 20, 2012

Q&A: How do we increase our lovemaking per week?

I had a couple write to me from my Got Questions page.  Here is your chance to help out, too.  Here is the gist of their email without revealing the whole thing….

*married over 7 years

*both are high drive

*porn is a problem from the past and that spouse is trying to commit to never going back to it.

*fear of getting pregnant by one spouse; they have agreed mutually not to have children, but haven’t gotten anything permanently done to prevent it yet.

*they would like to be a 3-4 times a week instead of once a month.

Where to start…

The first thing I would recommend, is to sit down and communicate about what both of you want out of your sex life.   Let her talk first, repeat back to her what you have heard, but mostly, just listen.  No words, no ugly faces… just listen.   Then reverse it, so the husband gets to talk, no comments, etc from the wife…she just listens.  Think about what each other has just said.   Never do this at home in the bedroom.   Take a date night to Starbucks, or ask for a private booth at your favorite restaurant.    Is the porn usage a big issue?  If so, turn over all the “keys” you have to your spouse…. if you can view it from your Smartphone, you may want to look into something that will not allow you to use the internet.  Have your computer in a public, open area in the house, where no secrets can be kept.  Give your spouse all your passwords (well, spouses should have each other’s passwords anyways).   Is the pregnancy risk an issue?  What are you doing in the meantime to prevent pregnancy?  Is birth control an issue?  (One spouse having to do all the birth control)  If the wife is on birth control, is it one that is diminishing her libido.  BC KILLED my libido.   I refuse to take it anymore.   DH and I have 2 kids… we don’t want anymore.  We haven’t done anything permanent yet either…. he’s uninsured, so a “V” is really expensive cash payment for us.  I am insured, but having any kind of surgery would take me out of commission for awhile and I have a hard time leaving other people in charge at work.   So for the time being, we use the pull out method…. Of course, that method isn’t good for most, but that’s our solution for the moment.    Is stress getting in the way from work?  Relationships within your families strained?  Depression?

I would really need more information to know how to give more advice, so I am throwing out the first things that come to mind.  So, reading family, what advice would you give?