I think I have started confusing erotica online with real touch. I find myself loving the idea of sex but not the act itself. Me and my husband used to have a okay sex life, but now that I am feeling this it has gone way down. I just want to know if there is anyway I could just forget everything I have learned about sex, and start over? And if it’s more complicated than that, what steps can I take to get back in touch with him?
I loved this question. I thought it was so honest and I could relate to the struggle of sometimes choosing the “easy” way to arousal by using external stimuli. I think for many women we find that our minds are very connected to our arousal. For some of us it’s not enough to just be physically stimulated and we need to actively engage our minds in the process, too.
I think this woman asks an important question. After getting used to outside influences causing arousal, is it possible to retrain our brains and, if so, how do we do it? I’d love to hear your own insights in the comment section after I share mine here. I do think it’s possible to retrain our brains and I believe that much of the success of the process depends on how helpful our husbands are and how honest we are willing to be with them and ourselves. It takes a lot of self reflection to learn why we do what we do. What the motivators are that cause us to make the choices we make in our sexuality will be the start to getting free from habits and mindsets that limit our sexual pleasure in marriage. So honest prayer and introspection is key. Here are some of the important questions to ask ourselves in this process, and you could apply these sorts of questions to any sexual temptation you are encoutering:
- What kinds of erotica am I drawn to online?
- What is it about those things that makes me feel sexually excited?
- Does part of me feel aroused because it feels like naughty sex?
- Does my husband know that I get hot by the idea of this in bed?
- How could I bring that arousal into the reality of our sex life?
- Does married sex have any negative associations for me?
- Has our culture’s voice saying “Sex goes down hill after you’re married” taken root in my heart in any way?
- Other questions?
In many cases you will find that one of these questions stimulates another question. That’s great. It may help you to journal or map out your thoughts as you consider and pray about how these kinds of questions have influenced your sexuality. And if you can be honest with your husband the two of you can work together to build true erotica in your sex life. If this isn’t something the two of you have discussed before, the context with which you establish the initial conversation can significantly influence his response. Compared these two statements,
“I don’t like this about our sex life and I am bored in bed. What do you want to do about it?”
“Hey babe. I am so excited to see us become even better lovers to one another. I really want to see our sex life on fire. Can we talk about how the two of us could make that happen?”
Which one would you respond better to? Such a different tone in the two statements! How easy is it to bring the positive, proactive, same-team mentality into the conversation rather than the negative one? It just takes a change in your heart and then the good that is in your heart will flow out.
In the Bible in Romans 12:2 it says to not conform to the pattern of this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. It goes on to say that in doing this you will be able to know what God’s will is. His good, pleasing and perfect will. How do you think this portion of scripture might relate to the issue we are discussing? Please feel free to continue this discussion in the comment section. I am certain you have further insights on the issue.