“Hello, My husband and I have only been married for 10 months. I am 24 He is 31. First I have a much higher sex drive than he does and I am starting to be cranky around him and would rather masturbate because when we finally do have sex it really wasn’t worth my while so to speak. We’ve been together a total of four years and things weren’t perfect before marriage but it was better. I am trying to become a Better Christian woman now that I am saved. Although it’s a struggle with my husband because he isn’t as passionate about CHRIST as I am. I know prayer is the key but in the mean time I am hurting because of his disconnection both physically and emotionally. I’d like him to lead as he should and I have no problem with being submissive in our marriage. In other words a strong GODLY man is what I desire and is extremely sexy to me. I don’t want anyone else I want him to be that man. I admit that I married him while we were both unsaved and that Now I’d like to see a change that only Our GOD can bring into a life. Second we have two children ages 2 and 5 months mind you I am only 24 and fill I have sacrificed a lot . I dont want to end up bitter and divorced but I admit I have resentment. Please pray for our family and offer some wise advice. Thanks “
There were some things I can relate to and others that I will depend on God to help me answer.
At my church, we have had several guest pastors lately while our pastor was ill. One of them did a message that took us all over our bible, which I liked very much, and he really spoke to my heart. He spoke of several things that I have had a problem with in the past, and I hope that I am healed of.
In Genesis, man had a perfect unity with God. God gave man everything that he needed, even the realization that he needed a helpmate, a wife. God provided for Adam and Eve’s every need. He only gave them one rule….do not eat from the tree in the center of the garden. Out of all the trees in the garden, only one was forbidden. Should be easy, right? Nope. It was the temptation. The serpent knew it and he used it. And do you notice that in Genesis 3:6, the woman was the leader and the man followed her? I never thought of it that way. Adam knew what God said. He knew it was wrong, but he followed his wife in eating the fruit. Ladies, even today, we are still trying to take the lead when it really is our husband’s responsibility given to him by God.
This goes back to the reader’s comment “…it’s a struggle with my husband because he isn’t as passionate about CHRIST as I am” I know I am guilty about judging my husband’s relationship with Christ. Who am I to judge? I am responsible for MY relationship with Christ. I can’t make him do what he is “supposed” to do. My responsibility is to respond to my husband with what God told ME to do. Ephesians gives us our roles….
Husbands: Love your wife as Christ loved the Church. (Ephesians 5:25)
Wives: Submit to your husbands as to the Lord. (Ephesians 5:22)
There is that word….submit. There are some women that equate that word to slavery, but hear me out a minute. I use a Ryrie Study bible (NASB) and in his notes about submission, Dr. Ryrie, a Dallas Theological Seminary professor states, “…the subjection is to be mutual and based on reverence for God. The differing responsibilities, if followed bring harmony, but if ignored, they bring difficulties.” The latter is what I think this young lady is experiencing.
If you are like me, you take that, “If you want something done right, you’ve gotta do it yourself” attitude. I brought that into my marriage. There were things that I had always done “this way”, and even when our son was born “my way” was better than “his way” even though in the end we accomplished exactly the same thing and got the same result. My husband has always been a hands on kind of man. He wanted to be involved in all the details of our wedding. While I breastfed our son, he wanted to be able to hold and feed our son, too. He wants to be involved in everything. My expectations of love from him were different than the way he loved me. We really had bad communication issues. The more I didn’t get my way, the more distant I felt towards him. I am still that way at times as well, and I am hopeful that I am more apologetic when I do get that way.
Ladies, if you were to ask your husband what is the #1 thing that makes him feel loved, what would he say? I know what my husband would say. Respect. Respect lifts a man’s spirit in ways that we cannot know and understand. When a man feels respected at work and at home, he’s like Superman. He feels strong. He feels secure. He feels loved. Ladies, it starts here. If our husbands don’t feel respect from us at home, it starts a downward spiral for them. I hope all of your husband’s are like mine in this way….when we went through my refusal years, I did not respect him very much at times, and sin fed into our sex lives. If he didn’t do anything that I considered respectful to me, sex was my tool to show how I felt. But I didn’t realize this until much later….my husband continued to love me like Christ loves the Church. He didn’t leave me. He didn’t have affairs on me. He didn’t reach out to porn on the computer. He loved me so much that he was willing to sacrifice his own sexuality and his own needs to show me how much he loved me. Does that ring a bell? Didn’t God give up his precious, only Son for us? His sexuality is one of the most precious gifts to me, and he was ready to pray that God take it all away if it made me happy.
Yes, it is hard sometimes to respect a man who doesn’t seem to respect you. God didn’t tell us that it was okay to be disrespectful if we weren’t being respected. God didn’t tell us that we were supposed to take the lead when our husband doesn’t seem to want to like Eve did to Adam. We are to respect our husband no matter what. There is bound to be ONE thing that you find respectful in him that can start the wheels turning in your relationship. “Honey, I really appreciate that you go out day after day and work hard for our family to meet our needs. “ Even words that show you desire him. My husband says if a man can see that you are being truthful, showing is more important than saying. Then once he gets a little bit of that “Superman” feeling in him, he will be ready to try to please you as well.
Pray for all aspects of your husband’s life. Pray for his job, for temptations, his choices, his health and stresses in his life, his attitude, his walk with Christ, his self image, his obedience to God….pray for his wife. I don’t know how you are praying, but pray that if there is anything in you that needs changed, that God will bring it up to you to fix in yourself first. If your husband sees that you get more pleasure in masturbating than in sex with him, pray that you can show him your desire is for him and not for your own personal gratification. Pray for a time when the two of you can sit down and talk about your sexual needs. Ask him what you can do to make intimacy and pleasure better for him. Communicate your needs to him.
To the writer of this email, I am not certain how long you and your husband have been saved, but sometimes it is overwhelming, and it is the hardest right after you were saved. There are doubts about if you were really saved or not. Life seems harder at first. It takes time to settle into what the bible says and it is not easy to just start doing what the word of God says when you are used to doing something else. If you are not already in a church together, I suggest looking for a church where you both feel comfortable with the teaching and the relationships. He may need to join in a men’s group and make friends who can help and guide him along, being examples for him. In the meantime, my suggestion to you is this…. 1 Peter 3:1-6 says, “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.” I have seen this in my own mother, who has been married to an unbeliever for over 40 years. It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. I have seen things in my father recently that may mean that he has given his life to Christ, but even if not, my mom hasn’t waivered in what God calls her to do. I strive to be that same woman to my husband. If there are times that I am disappointed in his walk with Christ, it is not my job to judge him or take charge of his spiritual life. It is to walk like Christ, so that he might see Christ in me.