Q&A: Will We Be Disappointed?

I’m engaged and getting married this July.  My fiance and I have been together nearly 6 years.  I have been a christian since I was 5, and I went on a “wandering” when in my late teens.  Unfortunately I let myself believe that my relationship with my boyfriend at the time (now fiance) was close enough to marriage and we loved each other and wanted to get married so now was as good as time as ever (we were both virgins leading up to this).  It didn’t take long for guilt to wreck any appeal that sex had had, and we ended up stopping after only a few months because it had become a fight waiting to happen. I was still in a relationship with my bf, and a bit after I got on the straight and narrow he became a christian.  A few months after that we got engaged (last March).  We have stopped asking ourselves the “how far is too far?” question, and refrain (with great effort) to do anything other than kiss, hug and talk.  So while it seems that we have worked “everything” out for now I feel that this will probably have some negative effects on our marriage and in particular our marital sex life.  We are both really excited about our honeymoon.  But I feel a bit apprehensive because I don’t want it to be the way it was before, but I think my fiance thinks we are going to jump back into it like we never quit.  I’m just not as sure as he is about that.  I don’t want him to be disappointed, and I don’t want to be disappointed or disappoint him, or put too much pressure on myself in an attempt to not disappoint him.

I took this question even though this reader is not married yet for one reason…. I’ve been there, done that, but DH and I did have premarital sex before we got married…stopped for a bit….. and then as we approached our wedding day, I had some of the same thoughts that this reader has.

It’s a really difficult dilemma.  The one thing that I would recommend most is premarital counseling.   I really think that engaged couples who go into marriage without this don’t know what they are getting into.   Premarital counseling can bring up questions that you may not think to ask… you may feel uncomfortable about asking because you are afraid of what your fiance may say…. or you may not realize need to be discussed.   The first several years can be really hard once all the newlywed warm fuzzies wear off, and all that is left is the marriage.

It is also important to sit down with your fiance before the wedding and really talk this all out.   Listen to what he expects will happen once you are married…. ask him to listen to your concerns.  This is a BIG part of your upcoming marriage is to learn how to communicate….to really listen to your spouse, repeat back what you have heard, and then to respond back with love.   Be truthful in that you don’t know what to expect sexually once you have said “I do.”  It may not be as “thrilling” as it was when it was sinful before marriage.   I think that was part of the thrill for me before I got married to DH … it was naughty.  You weren’t supposed to do it.   And yes, I did feel guilty.  That’s why we stopped before we got married.   And because of our expectations, it might have been really good for the first few months of marriage for us, but after I got pregnant 5 months into our marriage….it all changed.    That is for us…. because we really never talked about sex after having a baby….how it was going to change my outlook on life and my sexuality.

So please, if you haven’t done so already (I realize your wedding is coming up soon!), please sit down with a good pastor and get some good premarital counseling.  The pastor can also help talk you through your expectations about sex after you get married.

Maybe for your honeymoon, you can both choose to take a book to read together.  Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman is a good one that comes to mind.  Helps each of you to understand what is going on in the mind and body of your spouse.

Does anyone else have any suggestions for this couple?

Good luck and God bless you both with you upcoming wedding and marriage!

One thought on “Q&A: Will We Be Disappointed?

  1. What’s it like to be married to me? by Linda Dillow has a sex chapter that really speaks on these issues and really feeling that shame that i think comes from guilt with having sex when we aren’t suppose to. I totally was in a similar boat and still struggle today with that feeling of “sex is wrong” and that innate feeling I am shameful because of previous relationships before my husband. I really pray you speak to your future spouse and get the communication rolling now because it is so important to start right! I applaud you for seeking help.

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