This is a topic that I have found a great variety of preferences on. For the most part, I think that couples prefer not to use the same words in bed that they use with their doctors, but where they draw the line in what sort of language they will use is a very personal choice which can be influenced by a variety of things. For some, hearing an expletive in bed reminds them too much of a culture they are trying to be separate from. For others, using passionate, descriptive language is a key to intense arousal.
Please understand that I am a person who very rarely cusses and many of my friends would be shocked to know the words I like using in bed. In my bed, no word is off limits because my husband and I have built our relationship on trust and respect so when my husband tells me exactly what he thinks and feels sexually, using any words at all to describe it, there is absolutely no hesitation on my part. Because I know my husband loves me and isn’t saying it with any disrespect in his heart, I find dirty talk to be erotic. We don’t use these words out of context so there is no confusion. If we walked around telling people to f-off or calling people derogatory names based on different body parts I probably would feel differently, but since we use these words in their context and only in our bedroom I have found them to be a wonderful spice to incorporate.
If you want to start using dirty words and haven’t yet, start with something slightly more edgy than you usually say and see how it feels. If you are normally quiet during sex, start saying some of the things you are thinking and what you want your husband to do to you. If you normally say “Do you want to make love tonight?” try “I am so hot for you right now, I really want you in me.” Not every word will feel right all the time, but variety is the spice of life. Start small and see what the two of you end up liking. Everyone has different limits on what they are comfortable hearing and saying in bed so just try it out and see how it works for you as a couple.
original comments can be read here
Sort of wondering how this squares with Ephesians 4:29. The International Standard Version says “Let no filthy talk come out of your mouth…” Other versions say “foul”, “corrupt” etc. Of course, James talks a lot about the tongue as well. If it is a gate for good and evil, can be call evil good just because it is between two people and not public? Certainly, Bedroom Talk can be very explicit, but using coarse terms bothers me. I NEVER use even minced oaths so try to honor the Lord with my lips.
Which is perfectly fine for you and your hubby. Me? I don’t like to use them much either, but if both the husband and wife are in agreement, I have no right to judge…it’s between them and the Lord. KWIM?
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of you mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” If we look at the whole verse i dont think it is only talking about specific words. Anything we say that tears down anothers spirit even if its said using nice sounding words is still unwholesome. so if using explicit lanuage in the bedroom makes the experience better and a couple is in agreement, then is it “unwholesome” or does it become beneficial for them at that moment? I dont use that kind of language outside the bedroom either. I’m not real sure about this either so I would love to see more feedback on this. Of course if someone is uncomfortable saying it then they souldn’t.
Just my 2 cents…and by the way I’m glad to see this topic addressed! It’s something that I’ve only become comfortable with in recent years thanks to the “nice girls don’t” mentality…
Anyway, it’s my opinion that mankind’s intentions are what determines a particular word’s connotations. Language, like money, power, or intellect, is only a tool that can be used for either good or evil. I believe God is less concerned with the Merriam-Webster definition of a word and more concerned with our heart when we use it. I could say “Golly gosh dang it” to a driver that cuts me off, when in my head I’m thinking “go to hell”, and regardless of the innocent-sounding words I’m saying, it’s my heart that is sinning. Paraphrasing here, but the Bible says that the words of the mouth are the overflow of the heart. If my heart is overflowing with love and respect for my husband, and a desire to honor God and bless my husband with lovemaking, I’m reclaiming the power of a “bad” word for God’s glory! How amazing is that, to take something that man has made vulgar and evil and turn it into something loving. Only God can accomplish that!
I have been reading your blog for awhile now, and this is my first time commenting. Because I really like the idea of using some dirty talk, I think about doing it, but I just can’t bring myself to say anything! Then last night my hubby asked me a question, which was a clear opener for me to say something sexy and I was like a deer caught in the headlights! I choked. I could not think of anything to say that would be a turn on, I just felt like a dork. I’ve read a few of your post about this, but just can’t take the leap! Any other tips?
Have you ever used the word “pussy” to refer to your lady bits? I think most men love that word! That would be a good starting point, I would think. You can use it in a number of ways.
“My pussy needs some attention.”
“I shaved my pussy for you today.”
Or, if you masturbate in front of your hubby, you might want to play with yourself and then ask him “Do you like my bald pussy?” Or “Can you come over here and lick my pussy? PLEASE!” : )
Those are just a few suggestions… the sky’s the limit. But I would suggest starting by dropping the “P” bomb. I am sure your husband will LOVE IT!!
Thanks for answering, but oh man, that feels like a BIG first step. haha. I’m in the position where the most I’ve said is basic, “that feels really good, oh yeah, and go faster.” and I do make lots of noise when I orgasm. I’ve written him a note that said “I want you inside me” and that felt REALLY risky. So like I’ve said, I’m new to all this. I just had my “awakening” a few months ago, so I might need something easier than that to start with. I think he would like me to say something like, “Make me come” because he has said, “I want to make you come,” once. I just can’t get it out of my mouth! Guess I just need to pray about it.
I know how that feels, Lisa. I used to be reluctant to talk dirty, but my husband used it a lot, especially in the emails we exchanged last year while he was deployed (He’s in the Navy). He encouraged me to just try. Might be the same for you. Just muster up your courage and say something dirty. If your husband is like mine, he won’t criticize you for your attempt, even if you personally feel it’s lame ;). My husband would say “Not too bad”, and eventually “This is fun, huh? ;)” Just give it a shot. I’m sure he’ll love it.
thanks ladies! vixen…you’re right, he won’t criticize me for any attempts. I just need to take the step. This has all just started somewhat recently, and he knows I want to do it, and I even want him to do it back to me….but we are both new to it. He has been better at the attempts than I though. I am comfortable with doing it in emails, or texting, but in person I still feel too shy. This whole awakening thing is no joke! I have all these new fantasies and “dirty” thoughts about him all the time now, but getting my actions to follow has been a bit hard. Some parts easy, others not so much. There is still a bit of a wall in me. I’m totally willing by my words don’t follow. For example, the other night we talked about new things we could try and he was shocked at my list, and said something like, “Oooh, you’re a dirty girl aren’t you?” After the fact, that was pretty hot, and it turned me on, but immediately after he said it, my gut reaction was to say, “oh don’t say that.” Then he said, “ok, you’re just a horny girl.” haha. He even gave me another opportunity to “practice” with the dirty talk last night. Again I choked. grrrr. But I am going to pray about it, and am confident that I WILL do it. 🙂 Again, thanks for the support.
Lots of noise when orgasming…Very Good Thing!! (that’s what my hubby always tells me, anyway LOL)
Yes, I totally forgot about “Make me come.” My husband loves that one, too!! (varieties: “Ohhh, I’m gonna come.” or “I need to come so badly” or even just “I’m coming” when the time arrives. All of these work really really well!!!
Other things you might want to throw in (and maybe a little more within your current comfort zone): “Eat me”, “Finger me”, or even “Can you go down on me?”
You said that once you said “I want you in me”. Perhaps one of these days you could text him at work and say “Can’t wait till you get home. I want you to play with my pussy.” Trust me, he’ll get home to you as fast as he can! : )
Once I called my husband at work and asked if he could come home early. I told him “I’m naked and horny and need you to service me.” That got him home in a hurry! : )
I understand completely where you’re coming from in the “shyness dept” (or the “outside my current comfort zone” stage). I was that way at first too. Start off small and work your way up to some of the more spicy things. The more you do it, the easier it will get. Even saying the word pussy will become as easy as saying vagina with time. Practice saying these things when you’re by yourself. It’s almost like learning a new language–you have to say things aloud over and over again till you get comfortable with them. Another good place to practice is when you’re masturbating. Talk dirty to yourself to get yourself comfortable with it (“Oh, that feels so good…oh yeah, play with that pussy…make me come…oh baby, you make my pussy feel so good!” etc etc.)
In time, you’ll get there. Keep us posted on how it’s going!
OH another thing to know about me, I don’t masturbate. Don’t EVER feel the need to. We are usually on the same level with our drive. 🙂 and I changed my username, I signed up real quick before, but now that I’m commenting more, I thought it would be better to not have my name out there. 🙂 And I will keep you all posted. Thanks!
If you’re comfortable sending spicy emails or text messages then that’s definitely where you need to start, for sure. If you can’t bring yourself to say things yet, but you can write them, that will work really well too. That’s where I started too. You might find this hard to believe (after reading my various posts : ) ) but I was exactly the same way as you at one time. And, even though I wanted to “talk dirty” to my husband, I still struggled with the whole “can a Christian talk like this”?
But, by all means, if you’re comfortable typing things, go for it!! The speaking them will come with time. For me, I practiced saying things out loud when I was by myself to get used to them. Yes, I was talking to myself (something that might make a shrink go “Hmmmm” ha ha) but it helped me get comfortable speaking this way (and hearing myself actually say them, rather than just think them). It served as a time of practice… almost like a dress rehersal (so that when the time arrived, I didn’t choke or feel stupid or awkward talking this way).
Masturbation: I use it now as a form of foreplay. My hubby LOVES watching me play with myself; it really turns him on. So I do it and then talk dirty to him at the same time (telling him everything I want him to do to me). Works everytime! LOL (BUT…and this is something I discovered… it also turns me on as well!! It really does!! I get really revved up being this sexy little vixen, if you know what I mean).
So, just curious: what kinds of things are you dying to try with your hubby? I’m always looking for new ways to spice things up with mine. If you are comfortable sharing, please feel free. You might have ideas that I’ve (we’ve) never thought of before (and I’ll be “Yeah, what a great idea! My husband will love that!”)
Blessings to you!
You can always use food terms as well ;).
I think practicing saying certain things by myself, might be helpful. So when the time comes it’s not the first time I’m ever saying something like that out loud. Thanks for that tip.
As for the masturbation, I gotcha now. Hubby and I filled out a sex survey and we both thought it might be cool to try that, doing it for the other. But haven’t yet. We have been trying lots of different things more often. And giving them more of a chance than just one time. Like different positions. Because we’ve realized they take time to get used to…well for me anyway. 🙂 So there isn’t really anything I’m dying to try out, other than the dirty talk. Oh, and this is silly, but using whipped cream on each other, and having music playing in the background. He has always said he thought it would be weird, but we are in such an experiment phase that I think I can get him to try it. Another idea that I’ve tried out recently is taking pictures of myself and emailing them. I think he liked them, but we kinda laughed about it too. So I wasn’t sure if I would do it again, but then another night, he took the initiative to take pictures of me. So I guess he liked it.
We are in the middle of some remodeling and it has caused us to sleep on a pullout couch in our living room (which has a LOT of windows) for quite some time now, so most of my fantasies aren’t really possible until we have our own bedroom again!!
Thanks again ladies for talking to me about this. I only have one friend I can talk to about sex stuff, luckily she is pretty much on the same page as you are, so she is helpful too. But it’s good to get more ideas from anonymous people. 🙂 I’m going to practice saying stuff soon, because our anniversary is in a few days, so it would be cool to be able to use this then.
Our anniversary went great, got to use a lot of new ideas and words. 🙂
Just curious: did you drop the “P” bomb that night (“pussy”) or the “F” bomb? How did you manage to get comfortable with dirty talk? What kinds of things did you say? (if you don’t mind me asking)
Nope, I didn’t say those. They aren’t really on my list of things I want to say….maybe one day though. As for what I did say, I hardly even remember anymore! haha. I know it helped that hubby was way in the mood for it too, and I think he got the ball rolling, which really helps me. But I also “practiced” saying some things on my own, like the other lady suggested. He said stuff like “I want to finger you” or “I like fingering you” and I asked him if he wanted to “take me from behind”, I said, “I want you so bad right now”. Kinda mild I know, but big for me. Starting out slow. 🙂 Like I said, we’re just moving from saying nothing but I “I love you” and some noises. So it will take some time, and I’m fine with that. It’s fun. 🙂
oh, and we finally got to use whipped cream. So that was fun too.