Jamie Lynn Spears got pregnant at age 16. Bristol Palin was a pregnant teen. MTV has a show called 16 and Pregnant. Why is that even in this blog? Who cares, right? I think the biggest thing that disappoints me about this is the fact that the media and society glorifies premarital sex and having children out of wedlock. Kids are participating in sexual activities at an alarmingly younger age these days. Unfortunately, by not obeying God’s commands, society is placing a huge obstacle in the perfect gift that God has intended for married couples.
Did I wait? No. Do I regret it? Absolutely. Did it hurt my marriage bed? You bet. The most unfortunate part is that I came into my marriage with many partners in my past. Not just one, not two, but more than that. I had no clue what sex was all about when I lost my virginity at age 18. I had no idea that the thoughts and pain associated with that first partner and subsequent ones after that would really put a huge damper on my married sex life.
Neither my husband or I were virgins when we met. I think one of the first things that I did when I met him and I really started to have feelings for him, was to confess my past to him. Right up front, probably after a week or so of dating him. I wanted to put my past right out there so he could decide whether or not he wanted to pass me up for someone else. I had my bible with me that day because my past embarrassed the crap out of me. I read the part of the bible to him from John 8:1-11 where the woman was caught in adultery and she was about to be stoned. It reads….
But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
At that point a burden was lifted from me because he admitted his own indiscretions as well.
Did either of us go and sin no more? Nope. We decided to get married and moved in with each other….into a one bedroom apartment. We fooled ourselves into believing that we wouldn’t have sex with each other, but we did. Little teasings led to articles of clothing being removed, which led to the bedroom and sex. I think we did somehow manage to *not have intercourse* the month before our wedding day, but we really should have committed to remaining pure to each other until our wedding day. There are always ways to justify doing things in your mind. Satan loves to help us with that! Anything to get us to ignore God’s wishes and drag us into the pit with him. My justification? My husband lived in a rat hole apartment where gun fire was heard nightly, so I wanted him to live long enough to marry me. Could he have moved out and in with his parents? Probably, but we took the easy route to sin.
After we got married, sex was really good for 5 months. It was so good, we got pregnant right about the 5 month mark in our newlywed year. After our first born arrived, I lost my sex drive. Nope, don’t come within 10 feet of me. I am a Momma and Momma’s don’t have sex. I had no clue about all the hormones that were going through me and Satan found the perfect time to start all the lies he would feed me for the next 7 years or so. It started with the Momma thing and progressed to feelings of inadequacy about my postpartum body, I didn’t want him to see me naked, so my Granny jammies and panties started coming out of the dresser drawer. Then feelings of anger toward my husband and his incessant need for sex started coming out.. I didn’t look forward to going to bed at night. I didn’t want him to touch me. It didn’t just start out of the blue, it slowly festered within me until I realized that something was really wrong with me, but I didn’t know how to fix it and we couldn’t afford counseling. I really wanted another baby, but to make a baby, you have to have sex. Sex wasn’t for fun, it was for procreation…where did that one come from?? My husband finally agreed to have another baby and a few months later we were pregnant with number 2. Hormones again. I had trouble for the second time with breast feeding and was feeling really inadequate about not being able to provide what every mother in the universe can provide for their babies, but those same breasts were fascinations to my husband. He has always loved my breasts. I didn’t want him near them…they were for the baby. The lies continued to pile on. He was really at a point where he just wanted God to take his drive away. He would never leave me, but he couldn’t stand that a need that God had given him was not being fulfilled by the woman God intended for him. At this point, I broke down and realized that something needed to be done. I had read several books, and I started to understand more about how God had created my husband’s sex drive, it wasn’t something that he could turn off, and God truly intended it for our pleasure, not just his. I broke down crying out to God to change me to be the wife He intended for my husband. God knew I was ready to hear the truth and He started speaking to me about all the lies Satan had filled my head with. God, the voice of truth, started allowing me to see myself through my husband’s eyes. I realized I carried a lot of baggage and guilt about my past that was buried down deep, and God gently revealed to me that He had forgiven me, hubby had forgiven me, but I had never forgiven myself. When I finally gave my past over to God, I felt like a new woman. A completely new creation. The weight that was lifted from my shoulders made me feel lighter than air and I was a new sexual being as well. I call it my awakening….that’s what it felt like. My sex drive had been asleep for a very long time, and God awakened it. I loved it!
My past….well, it’s in the past, but it’s also in the Sea of Forgetfulness. God remembers it no more, so I do not dwell upon it. I have forgiven myself and I have vowed to work with my 2 blessed children so that they will learn from my mistakes. Will I tell them everything? No. Will I tell them that being promiscuous was the biggest regret I have ever had in my life? You bet. You cannot rewind time and go back and change things that are in the past. You can learn from your mistakes, repent and sin no more. I treasure my relationship with my husband and I thank God on a daily basis for giving me such a loyal and loving soulmate. He is the Lover in my life that is spoken of in Song of Solomon. The true spice in my life.