I grew up reading, a lot, and when I would run out of good books to read, I would pick up my mom’s Harlequin Romance books. I had quite an imagination as a teen, so the scenes where the guy would whisk the girl away…well, they all sounded SO romantic. My next fixation became Soap Operas. My favorites growing up (and into my 20’s as well) were Young and the Restless and Days of Our Lives. They all make falling in love, marriage; romance and sex look so simple and so easy. Everyone does it right the first time they have sex (and subsequent times afterwards) and you can bask in the glow for as long as you want afterwards. (and maybe even several more times afterwards, too!) And this isn’t just the young characters in the books and on tv, it’s the middle aged ones, too.
THEN….you get into the reality of marriage. When you step through the hotel door on your honeymoon or your honey comes through the door after a long day at work, you can just drop your clothes and get busy, right? Not always. Never once have I seen a character in a soap or a movie that looks at their bedazzled spouse who has been at home with 4 kids all day and says, “Let’s get down to business!” (Cause in reality, the kids are right there jumping all over you, hanging off you or screaming at you from the other side of the house) So when you finally do get a spare moment, do you (A) get to romp in the middle of your white satin sheets for as long as you want or (B) get a quicky in the bathroom? If you are like me, at times it can be none of thee above.
It took me a long time to get the fantasy of romance out of my head…by that I mean the Harlequin Romance definition of romance. My husband is romantic in his own way, but he definitely isn’t a Victor Newman or a Roman Brady….but you know what? He loves me for who I am and the wife and mother I am. Yeah, sometimes work wears me out, the kids wear me out, but I have a DH who stuck with me through almost 11 years of refusing sex. Would Victor Newman stick around? NO WAY. Look at romance with your spouse for what it is…intimacy between the two of you. It can be flirting, it can be casting longing glances at each other over the food fight at the dinner table….more of the Trace Adkins “One Hot Mama” kind of reality. (the video does have a lingerie wearing Mama in it…just a warning) I feel like the wife in the video, and I am forever grateful that my husband looks and sees me like Trace does in that video. But you want to know the best thing though? God created you and He loves you and you will always have an Abba Father to go to when you need help or when you need a change in your thoughts and attitude for your spouse. Ask God to make you the fun, creative, sexual being that he made you for your spouse. If you feel there is a need for work in your marriage bed, ask God to show you how to make it pure excitement and ecstasy for you and your husband. Ask God to purify your thoughts for your husband and to not have expectations of him that he just cannot meet. Your husband is real and not fiction.
Ladies, romance sometimes isn’t what we’re led to believe by the media we see or read. Sometimes it is easy, but sometimes it is messy, too! (How many of you have lounged around in bed after sex for a long time? Not me!) Read into your marriage realistic ideals for sex and romance. It will take work sometimes, compromise sometimes, and sometimes it will be smooth sailing.
Follow God’s plan for romance in your marriage. It isn’t written in a novel, but it is written in God’s word, the Bible.
I had quite odd ideas of romance when I began dating my current husband and when we first got married. I think we both go through phases now where we’re more romantic than others. My DH can be spontaneously romantic, and while I wish sometimes he was more romantic in the way I think romantic means, it’s wonderful to be surprised.
Sex and romance doesn’t just happen. You have to work at it. I’m the kind of person where the smallest thing will distract me – an unclean bedroom, an unmade bed, the sound of the computer running, etc – from enjoying a “good time.” But I’ve learned that while sometimes I really do need to work at eliminating distractions, it’s not always possible, and it’s more important to focus on celebrating our union and loving my husband in a physically intimate way and to let go of the little things.
I wanted to clarify my first sentence – everyone’s ideas of romance are different, and each one’s is valid. I had this dream when I was in high school of kissing my boyfriend in the produce section of the grocery store and always thought that would be so romantic. I also thought sitting on top of the washer and the dryer in the dark while making out with my husband was sexy. I suppose these aren’t odd, just unique.
I don’t really know what to say to this…besides AMEN! =D