Chapter 3: Lord, Help Me to Be a Forgiving Person

This is a chapter that not only we women need, but I think men need as well. Forgiveness sometimes can be hard to completely comprehend. If you forgive someone, do they need to apologize first? Do they need to accept that they were wrong? If they don’t, do we still need to forgive? What about forgetting? Does forgiving someone mean that we have to forget what happened to us?

I tell my children never to use the word “hate”. It is a very strong word, and I just don’t like to hear it used. God does not want us to hate, but to love. It was interesting to read though, that even though I don’t like the use of the word “hate”, that if I don’t forgive them, it is the root of hate.

I learned all about this before I was 19 from two family members. I grew up in a family filled with love. We would do anything for each other. Give the shirt off our back. But I had two relatives that did not “fit“ the family mold. I had one relative that I was afraid that if I was ever in a situation where he and I were alone, that I might get sexually abused. I tried to avoid him at all cost. The other family member was so self centered in his own immediate family that he really strained my relationship with his wife for a whole year. Instead of coming to me with issues he had with me when I lived with them for a year, he went through his wife, which ended up straining our relationship that year. I held on to those feelings of unforgiveness even after I became a Christian, and it wasn’t until I was convicted by God, that even though they never apologized and probably never will, it wasn’t up to me. I needed to forgive them. And I did.

You see I didn’t need to wait for them to apologize. It didn’t justify what they had done. I gave it over to God to let him handle and He will handle it. To this day, I feel SO much better knowing that I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I have a God who deals justly with all people.

If you have read any of my early blog entries, you will see that I went through a period of sexual refusal toward my husband. When my eyes were finally opened, when I was truly ready to hear the truth, God revealed to me that while my husband had forgiven me for my past, and God forgave me when I confessed my sin, that I hadn’t forgiven myself, and that gave Satan a foothold into my marriage bed. Since I finally forgave myself, I have been able to heal, and my past is just there… in the past.

I have found lately that Jesus verse about forgiveness 70×7 times is on my mind a lot. (Matthew 18-21-22) I realized something… there is no way I could keep count of forgiving someone 490 times. I would so lose count and have to start over again. I think that is God’s point on forgiveness.

For anyone who has a hard time with forgiveness, remember this. You, yourself, have had a LARGE debt forgiven if you are a Christian. Jesus died for ALL of your sins, not just the ones he chooses to forgive you for. We have no right to be unforgiving for any reason.

Please feel free to post anything that really stood out to you. I think the biggest thing I need to remember where forgiveness is concerned, is to remember Jesus sacrifice to forgive me when I find myself feeling unforgiving toward someone else.

4 thoughts on “Chapter 3: Lord, Help Me to Be a Forgiving Person

  1. Thank you for being so open and transparent! =) I really appreciated the openness on Christian Nymphos, and I appreciate it on your blog too!

    The part that stood out to me was this: “I went through a period of sexual refusal toward my husband. When my eyes were finally opened, when I was truly ready to hear the truth, God revealed to me that while my husband had forgiven me for my past, and God forgave me when I confessed my sin, that I hadn’t forgiven myself, and that gave Satan a foothold into my marriage bed. Since I finally forgave myself, I have been able to heal, and my past is just there…in the past.”

    I will try to explain this briefly, so as not to write a book on here…

    My husband and I have been married for not quite two months. For the first couple weeks of our marriage, sex was very painful for me [we couldn’t have intercourse on our wedding night because of the awful burning]. This made me feel like an utter failure, like I’d let him down hugely [and let myself down]…and…it was just bad. He was so patient and understanding with me…but even that didn’t shake the way I felt. We were able to have intercourse on the second night…but it hurt then, and it hurt every time after that too — until we had sex once without any bottled lube at all. [We had tried a few different kinds.] It wasn’t anywhere near as painful as I’d come to expect, so we ditched the lube, and sex hasn’t really hurt much since then.

    …I’m struggling with how to explain this next part. Nothing I have written and erased seems to explain the situation. …Basically, my husband doesn’t seem very interested in sex. I’ve sort of come to feel that sex won’t happen unless I initiate it; I feel like I almost have to talk him into it, or beg for it. This kills me; before we were married, he could barely keep his hands off of me. Now, it’s like I can’t get him to even want to put them on me. And I feel like if he ever initiates, I can’t seem the least bit uninterested in that moment, because I fear if I do, then he’ll never initiate again. This, naturally, puts a ton of pressure on me to always respond well, and it mostly just makes me kind of tense. He has said that a large part of his lack of drive is the fear that I will get pregnant; he works really hard and has a strenuous job, and we don’t have a lot of money, and I know he worries about being able to provide for a baby too. [I have no desire to have a baby either.] I also think he might be depressed…but I don’t know for sure, and he’s said that he has seen way too many people have bad experiences on anti-depressants; in his mind, taking them isn’t really an option for him. There is a lot more to all of this…but that is the general stuff. This whole situation has been a huge heyday for Satan…and it makes me feel terrible about myself — feeling undesirable, like he doesn’t want me at all, like nothing I do turns him on…etc. [Even writing about it now I am almost in tears, and I’m in a place at the moment of feeling more peace about it than I usually do.] And I know he feels terrible too — like a failure, like he’s let me down, like it’s all his fault…

    [I’m sorry…this comment is getting really long.]

    He is also struggling spiritually, and has been for a while. I’ve been praying for God to reveal to me the root of his struggles. “Unforgiveness” is something that I just can’t get past in my mind, as the root cause, I mean. I keep coming back to it as the reason. I’ve been unable to tell if it is God telling me that the root is indeed unforgiveness, or just me assuming that, based on my own thoughts…but in either case, I know that he hasn’t forgiven himself for things he did many years ago. I believe that he won’t truly be free in his spirit until he forgives himself — and the other person involved — and truly accepts God’s forgiveness, and I believe that this is a big part of his spiritual struggles. But I didn’t realize that the unforgiveness in of itself could possibly be a large part of what is diminishing his sex drive too. I somehow hadn’t made that connection. When I read what you wrote, it was like a light went on in my head. And as I wrote this comment, I realized that I haven’t fully forgiven myself either — for not being able to have sex on our wedding night, for sex being painful…etc. This is all sort of a revelation to me, and I probably haven’t explained things very well…but thank you. God used your words to show me some truths that I need to see.

    I’m sorry for writing so much!

    • Thank you so much for sharing from your heart. As soon as I can kick this sinus infection, I promise to get back and respond to you.

    • I want to thank you for your candid response. I want to encourage you that God is working on this situation right now. It might not seem like it, but he really is working on it. I would encourage you if you haven’t forgiven yourself, to do so. Keep in mind, that you can only work on yourself. You can only change yourself. With that in mind, keep praying for your husband. Keep praying that you would be the wife that God intended for your husband. In the mean time, bless his socks off. Anything that you can do to bless him…. surprise him with his favorite meal. Make a date with him to go whereever he wants to go…. even if you’re not keep on it. Know of something that he’s really wanted, or has been looking for forever…. just bless him. Massages with no strings attached. I don’t know your DH and his likes and dislikes, but you do. What’s his love language? Shower him with it.

      It is important though, to also find times to work on communicating how you feel. Not in bed at night. I know for me, that is the WORST place to talk about sexual problems is at night in bed. Go on a date to Starbucks and gently start a conversation with him. What can you do to make him desire you more? Listen to him. Truly listen to his fears, his hurts, if he needs to hear again that you’ve forgiven him, assure that you have forgiven him and what he’s done is ancient history…you don’t remember it as much as God doesn’t remember it. If he would , allow him to read my testimony. It sounds like he and I are alike, and you and my DH’s experiences are alike. His fears about getting pregnant are legitimate. Let him know you understand, and if you are in his boat, come up with a plan that you can work with. I will be 45 this year, and I know that my DH still to this day will do whatever he can so that we don’t get pregnant again. He has his fears, and I respect them.

      Let him know that you will always love him. You know what really touched me the most and was my reality check? His promise (my DH) that he would always love me no matter what and he would never leave me. He was willing to give up his sex drive for me. That was the epitomy of God’s love right there.

      I will be praying for you. Keep me posted on how things are going!

  2. I just want to encourage the previous poster. I wanted to share a little of my story with you. My husband and I weren’t even sure if we wanted kids. We thought we would decide about 5-6 years into the marriage. We had been married 3 years and I was in the hardest semester of nursing school when we found out we were expecting. I struggled with this immensely throughout the pregnancy. Our daughter is now 1-1/2 and she is the biggest blessing in our lives. I LOVE being a wife and mother! God knew this would be best for us at this time and we are in the process of adopting our second child. All this to say, please do not fear having children. God knows what is best for both of you and His timing is perfect. The early stages of marriage are hard when you are getting to know each other and also communication between each other. The book Love and Repect may be helpful information for both of you just starting out. Seek God and keep Him first in your life. He will give you the wisdom and grace you need in your marriage.

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