I got to thinking about all the beliefs that we can come to possess about our sexuality as we grow up. So many messages were sent to me as I grew up from both the world and the church community which had a tremendous impact on my perception of what God intended for me, and they were often reactions caused by fear or ignorance rather than reasonable explanations. Here are just a few.
Messages from the world:
- If you like having sex, you’re a slut.
- Sexy girls are bad girls.
- If you value your sexual purity, you are naive.
Messages from the church community:
- Your sexuality is bad until you are married.
- Your genitals are dirty.
- Good girls don’t.
The interesting thing is that as we embrace ourselves entirely as God created us, we are set free from so much of the baggage associated with those statements, but it doesn’t change that others still see it that way. Many people who are talking about our blog understand where we are coming from and are encouraged by the message. Others, though, seem to fall into one of two groups of people. A lot of religious folks think we are entirely too worldly and that sex should not be discussed. Then on the other hand we see many non-believers who think it is either a joke or pass us off as religious skanks. Both are victims of hearing these negative messages and walking in these lies, and I will not bow to either.
Sexual purity is an incredibly valuable quality to possess. It takes a whole lot more personal integrity and self worth to commit yourself to keeping your sexual passion and expression focused on the person you are married to than to have sex at whim with anyone you wish. This isn’t naivety, it’s wisdom. To be free in your marriage bed to enjoy it for all the purposes God intended doesn’t detract from being a woman of God, it allows you to walk more fully in that role.
One of the goals of our blog is to help set women free from the negative messages so many of us have heard. We can’t change how everyone thinks about their sexuality and their faith, and how they are connected, but we are so thankful to have this platform and to see that women are being set free from many of these lies. And that is the turning point. Once the truth is revealed, we can walk in increasing freedom. We may hit walls and need to push through, but knowing that we had been living under a lie is a huge key. After that, it becomes easier to get rid of those lies, especially if we have supportive husbands and godly girlfriends who will help walk with us in our freedom.
So don’t be afraid to challenge yourself to look at the messages that were sent to you and consider which of them are valid and which are not. For the ones that aren’t valid, pray and ask God to replace them with His truth. In every area, I pray that you would walk in all that God has for you; spiritually, emotionally and sexually.
The original article and comments can be found here on christiannymphos.org
After I have been reading the comments about that subject on christiannymphos, I am comforted with the idea that it is not easy to change one’s mind once this mind is set on things we learn (right or wrong) and accept them as being true. And this is especially true when it comes to sex.
Hopefully, a sexual relation in marriage is the natural combination and consequence of emotional and spiritual oneness as a couple. Hence, if a spouse is in despair now within the marriagebed, it’s of the utmost importance of learning about positive and true sexuality in order to be able after to teach it, in a positive way and properly, to his children later on. Sexual knowledge in One’s life is a necessary step of preventing this possible kind of turmoil once we are married.
Nevertheless, it’s good and rewarding also to discover each other’s sexual intimacy as we go along in married life since each one has a different perspective and background (providing we are very much in love with each other and there is a willingness in overcoming inappropriate inhibitions about sex). Most likely, sexual hang-ups can be overcome if we are emotionally and spiritually one, but we need to be aware of the sexual wiring of our spouse before getting married: hence the necessity of learning proper sexual behavior between the couple BEFORE marriage and talk about it.
Now, speaking about the messages above and mechanics of sex, so many things come into consideration: negative things of the past, willingness of wanting to improve, being positive and body aging. Adaptations have to be made according to the emotionnal et physical circomstances.
Long ago, I have realized that the most important person (apart from the Lord) after me, is my husband. And so, obviously, he deserves my priority above all else. When we really love each other, there is always a solution to make our spouse happy when it comes to sex. Love, at that point, is an expression that creates and expands the intimate oneness in making the two of us a great whole.
Oh, one more thing: talking to God about our hang ups will help in overcoming our wrong thoughts about sex. He listens to our prayers, regardless of how intimate they are. He does answer prayers about intimate matters. I can tell you from experience…
it’s definately been interesting being a young christian newly wed and figuring out how to get the true message about my sexuality, when i’ve definately been fed double standards my whole life
I am the product of a divorced family. Growing up, I remember the hurt and shame of not being accepted in the church because “my mom was divorced.” My mom, as wonderful as she was and is, was quite bitter toward men, and sex was a taboo topic in my household. When I went away to a Christian college, I was introduced to the not-so-wonderful world of men who take advantage of women and was felt pressured to “take part” in not-so-pleasant experiences.
This all contributed to two disastrous dating relationships, a negative outlook on sex, and lack of confidence in myself. I came across CN 2 years ago and began exploring the site right before my marriage to my DH. I remember reading this article and thinking “YES! I’ve heard these things before. and sadly, YES, I believed them.” I remember when my then-fiance, now-husband and I began discussing what our expectations for our sex life would be how lost and confused I felt, and even more lost/confused when we were first married. Sex was not what I expected. It took nearly 9 months for me to let go of unhealthy attitudes and beliefs about sex.
CN also introduced me to Mark Driscoll’s “The Peasant Princess” and after going through that series, may I say it rocked my world! I want to thank you for the “online support” and advice you offered me and for assisting in my breakthrough. and I praise God for your ministry. Please keep it up. There are so many more young Christian women out there like me who had broken childhoods and bad relationships and don’t know how to view sex within marriage as a POSITIVE, HEALTHY, PURE, CHRIST-GLORIFYING, PLEASURABLE, and MIND-BLOWING experience!
Thanks for the article. After over 25 years of marriage, change is very difficult. It is hard to change gears from the way things have been for so long. I keep praying and I will keep trying. I wish that I had come across CN many years ago. Having been brought up in a home where sex was seldom if ever discussed, I felt like I had no where to go. I am naturally quiet and find it difficult to discuss sex. Can you offer me any advice on how I can change? I keep trying but I can’t seem to get it right enough to please my husband. It is quite upsetting.