I have signed up and get a weekly email from Dr. Gary Chapman and his Love Language Minutes. They have really given me some good ideas for me to use while I learn to speak my husband’s love language (you think after 16 years, I would have it down…lol)
Recently, I got one entitled “Making Mr. Right”. It came to me in two parts, but it had some really great information! Some of this I use already, but some of it I know I need work on.
Ladies, we can’t change the man we married, but we can have a tremendous impact on them. There are 4 ways that we can positively influence our husbands to be the husbands that God intended them to be.
First off, men thrive on praise. Give him praise as much as humanly possible. Since my son has Aspergers, I find that over the years I have had to plan what I say to him, so he wouldn’t get offended or misunderstand me. I try to do the same when I am coming up to my honey … I don’t want him to feel criticized, but I want him to feel important to me at home, respected. My DH amazes me at all he can say or do. He can fix a Tuba with a blow torch (okay, it was only a small butane torch, but it looked like a blow torch to me), he can take apart a car and put it back together again (saving us TONS of money on car repairs), he can fix my washing machine, he can build a desk top computer, he can cook and bake (man, can he cook!), he can play bass guitar, he can mix with a 24 channel mixing board/sound tech, he can produce his own videos for church…. now when I married him, I didn’t know he could do ANY of these as WELL as he does. Seriously, the man is a genius….he can do anything. Give him the internet or an operators manual, and he will learn how to do it like he’s known how all his life. I make sure I THANK HIM for being able to fix our cars…. I THANK HIM and PRAISE him as often as I think to. I know how it feels to get a compliment. According to Dr. Chapman, “the fastest way to influence a husband is to give him praise.”
Next, there is a difference between DEMANDS and REQUESTS. If your husband DEMANDED that you make his dinner, you might be ready to throw the pan at him and say make it yourself. BUT if he REQUESTS something from you, you are more likely to readily want to do it for him. The same is true of our husbands. “If you don’t cut the grass, then I will”…well, you better be prepared to mow the lawn for a very long time. If you form what you would like him to do in the form of a request (or in a way that he puffs his chest out really big), I bet you get MUCH more success in getting a task accomplished. Did you see the header on my Guidelines page? My hubby did that for me. Once I added it here to the blog page, I made sure that I told him, “Honey, I added your graphic to the header of my Guidelines page. It looks really good. Thank you so much for doing that for me.” I know, to him, it makes him feel more respected than me demanding that he use his graphics talent to make me a headline…. lol Plus, he likes the rewards he reaps for his help 😉
Defensiveness…. it comes up in our men when they think something we’ve said means that they are failing to do their job. It hurts his sense of worth….”I work so much on other things and now it’s the garbage?” I am very lucky to have what I call a Renaissance man … he does everything! But I know there are probably times in which I ask him (at least I feel I am asking him) to do that “one more thing”. I hope he doesn’t get exasperated at me. When our hubbies get defensive, make a mental note (or if you are like me, you need sticky notes!) about what you said or did and how he reacted. It may help us learn how to not touch those nerves the wrong way.
Have you figured your hubby’s love language? There are times when I think words of affirmation….other times, physical touch….. I know that his biggest need is to feel desired. I need to work hard on that. I mentioned above that our son has Aspergers…. I think I do, also, to some extent. Sometimes it is hard for me to show affection and desire. I am working on this, though. I have to find some way to change myself so that he feels wanted and needed, not just for what he can do, but for who he is to me. My better half, my best friend, my lover…..
When I first read The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian, her first chapter said that I needed to pray to be the wife God intended for my husband. I will be starting that prayer over again this year, since somewhere along the way, I stopped being the wife God intended for him. Not intentionally, by any means, but life has a way of creeping in and making your forget what you truly need to do and who you truly need to be. For me, this is a priority in 2012. To become, once again, the wife that God intended for my husband. God already gave me Mr. Right. I just need to treat him like it.
monogabliss.com 
This is so funny to me… my hubby can fix anything mechanical – just DON’T give him the manual – he flies by intuition – but he also fixes our cars, “runs” a blowtorch, and mixes sound with a very complicated sound board. He ALSO needs praise, not flattery – there’s a huge difference, as you know. His primary LL is physical touch, and his secondary is acts of service. Mine are quality time, and gifts, primary & secondary. As you might guess, we’ve had some adapting to do! But, it works, if YOU work!
I agree with you, Elaine! Sounds like we have similar hubbies!
my hub’s primary LL is words of affirmation. i’ve been realizing lately that i need to do better at this. which is a struggle for me because i’m not an excellent communicator on things that are close to my heart; ie, how i appreciate him etc. been praying a lot lately for God to make me the wife he needs.
It is definitely an extra blessing to have man at home who can fix things. Thus, we don’t need to go to a qualified craftsman for repairs in the house. Many times also, it is a great way to share our work together.
I do take my husband for granted. Your post is a great reminder to me to thank hilm and praise him without going overboard.
While I enjoyed this article, I wanted to put something out there- My DH does not do well at all with praise, and never has. He feels that praise is not needed for doing what is required or what needs to be done. When he remodeled our bathroom, and said “how is it?” all he wanted was an “I like it”. There is something that my DH is always saying to me. “Actions speak louder than Words”. He remodeled our bathroom becuse I did not like it, not because it needed to be done. That is his way of praising me- his actions. I have made mistakes in the past, like promising to do something and then he ends up doing it becasue I either forgot or just never felt like doing it. When I make excuses for not doing it, he knows that is all it is- excuses. When I agree to do something, and not do it he feels that I am making light of the things that he does- like my time is worth more than his. What he wants me to do, and what I am trying to do now, is do what is needed without being prodded. And he is so good, all he asks of me is simple things like putting the cap on the toothpaste and keeping things covered (he is remodeling our kitchen now). I guess what I am trying to say is there are those out there that do not thrive on praise or affermations, but would like to have a special dinner or a little extra something that he would like. Better yet is doing something for him that he knows that you are not particularly fond of.
nevadaangel, this is so true of some men. Thank you for your insight!
Nevadaangel, your hubby’s love language is SO clearly “acts of service!” That’s how he feels loved, and why he doesn’t like it when you don’t follow through on something you’ve promised to do. Knowing that, it can help you show love to him – rather than praising him, do something for him. Of course, you may already know all of this, and if so, sorry if I’m preaching to the choir. But knowing your spouse’s love language is crucial to growing closer in intimacy.
When we first got married, my husband said his LL was definitely physical touch, but after being married to him for a year, I’ve discovered he needs words of affirmation pretty frequently too. my husband responds badly to criticism. I’ve been learning to watch my words and most importantly my TONE to make sure he knows I still love him and don’t think he’s a failure when I’m telling him something he doesn’t want to hear and because he needs physical touch, I try and holding his hand, hugging him, or interspersing kisses while I’m telling him.
My tone is the biggest problem!!! I can’t seem to fix this…HELP!!!