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Hope never fails

This is an article that I did back in 2009.  I needed to read it again to remind me.  The storm I am in now is all part of God’s plan.   Hope this will help you, too.

~Spicy

Last week, I did a short study on faith.   This week, I want to touch on something I was reminded of this past Sunday at church.

This past week ended with a tragedy for a friend’s family, and we were overcome with the “WHY?” question.   At this point, I realize now that I will never really know why.  I don’t really need to know why.  If I did, I would already know why.    But I put my trust in one thing…that God knows why and it happened for a reason.   That’s all I need to know.   Many of my friends and I have been encouraging each other this weekend and the start of this new week.   Something my pastor said this weekend really hit home with me.    Hope.    Here’s the verses we studied this weekend.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.  (Romans 5:3-5)

Now, when I wasn’t a Christian yet, I suffered a very painful time when I was young.   My grandfather died, and I didn’t understand why.   All I knew was that he was gone.   After his funeral, my family had a party (At least to my teenage mind, it was a party)   Why were we celebrating?  Hello!  Did you not remember that Granddad died?  Why are you all laughing and joking?  What is so funny about it?   I was hurting really bad.   My grandma was celebrating because my granddad had come to know Christ before he died.   Granddad cheated death so many times already, and Grandma knew it was because God wasn’t done with him yet.   So she was celebrating that she would see her husband in Heaven when she died.   But I didn’t understand that fully until I became a Christian myself and I felt my Father’s hand on my shoulder comforting me.     See, God wants us to thank him in times of happiness.   He wants us to be grateful when we get a prayer answered.   But he wants us to know that he is there when we are suffering, too.    Even though we are suffering, God isn’t through with us yet.   Through our pain, through our suffering, the Master craftsman is molding us and shaping us for something new.   The things we suffer make us stronger.  In it’s verb form, Dictionary.com gives this definition for persevere: “to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly.” That’s exactly what God wants us to do….keep on keepin’ on, even in the worst situations.   Keep your eyes on the prize, keep striving toward the goal.    Perseverance builds character.   Integrity.   Our traits that form our individual nature as children of God.  and character builds hope.   I love this next part.   And hope does not disappoint us. AMEN!   Our hope is in the Lord.  He always has our best interest at heart.   We have a hope for the future.  Our future is with our Lord in heaven, going about the business that he has planned for us.   Our future IS NOT eternal separation from our loving God.  I look forward to the day that God decides that my time on this earth has ended and my time with Him begins eternally.   (that is when God decides it is my time)   My hope looks to that future and my hope will never fail me.   God loves me so much that he sent his Son to die for me.   There is my hope.   I have a Savior who loves me and would give anything to have me with him forever.   That, dear ones, is a promise that will never be broken.

So yes, we will go through times of sorrow.  We will go through times of pain.  We will go through times that we just hurt so badly.   These words from God tell us to praise him in this storm.   God holds us all in his hands, and there are no other hands that can hold me so tightly and never let go of me.   God is not through with you, dear one.   When Noah looked out on all the rain that fell and flooded the earth, did he give up hope?  Just because he couldn’t see it through the rain didn’t mean that the rainbow wasn’t there.   God’s word is true forever and ever, AMEN!   God’s promises will never come back with a return to sender stamp on them.   So thank God and praise Him when you are at your lowest.   Take his hand.  There is nowhere to go but up.

Throwback Thursdays: Sex Survey for Spouses

We originally saw this survey on The Marriage Bed Forum (see link to TMB in blogroll) and while we do have it on our blog in the comment section of one of our articles it didn’t have it’s own article until now.

The questionnaire below can be filled out and shared with your spouse on an evening away. You can also fill out the answers trade sheets and spend the next few weeks surprising each other. The key is to get talking often simple things are hard to reveal. Some questions use the code at the top of each section, some questions are fill in the blank ,some leave you a place to check your choice and some give you a place to write. Remember the more open and secure we can be with each other the stronger our relationship and the better the sex. Why are you waiting get going!!!

Passion
(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ share my fantasies with my partner
I ____ to have sex ___ daily, ___ 2x week, ___ 3x week, ___ 1x week, ___ never stop
I ____ being ravished
I ____ sex in the ___morning, ___afternoon, ___evening best
I ____ to find my partner naked ready for sex
I need to have more sex ___yes, ___ no
I need less sex than my spouse ___often, ___sometimes, ___ never
When my spouse rubs, massages my ______ I want sex instantly
My partner’s satisfaction is just as important as mine __always , __sometimes, __never
I am turned on when my spouse tells me they love me by ___________
I have a lot of fantasies __yes __no
I feel comfortable sharing my fantasies with my spouse ___ yes, ___no

Foreplay
(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ it really slow and erotic with lots of touching
I ____ to give my spouse massages
I ____ to shower with my spouse
I ____ to see my spouse partially clothed
I ____ my nipples pinched massaged squeezed
I ____ to watch my spouse masturbate
I ____ to masturbate
I ____ to mutually masturbate with my spouse
I ____ when my spouse offers themselves to me

Clothes
(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ it when my partner tells me they are not wearing underwear
I ____ my partner to wear something I can tear off them
I ____ my partner to dress scantly
I ____ to see my spouse in a thong
I ____ exposing parts of my body to attract attention
I ____ my spouse to wear a skirt with crotch less panties / hose

Positions
(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ the missionary position
I ____ to be on the bottom
I ____ to 69
I ____ the woman on top facing away
I ____ to be on top
I ____ anal sex
I ____ it Doggy style
I ____ side by side

Places
(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ sex in the shower
I ____ sex on the dining room table
I ____ sex on the kitchen counter
I ____ sex in an office
I ____ sex in the living room
I ____ sex in cars or vans
I ____ sex outdoors
I ____ sex in the pool
I ____ sex in the hot tub

Talk
(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ my spouse to make noise during sex
I ____ talking dirty to my spouse
I ____ to make my spouse yell out with passion during sex
I ____ it when my spouse uses short phrases like YES, Faster, Harder, repeatedly
I ____ it when my spouse tells me to _____ them now

I climax stronger and faster when my spouse talks dirty ___ yes, ___ no
I am turned off when my spouse talks dirty ___ yes, ___ no
I am turned on when my spouse talks dirty ___ yes, ___ no
I am turned off when my spouse use clinical terms ___ yes, ___ no

Acts
(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ to finger my spouse to orgasm
I ____ to be fingered to orgasm
I ____ giving oral sex
I ____ receiving oral sex
I ____ my spouse to perform oral sex without my asking

Misc
(insert L= like, WL= would like, DNL= do not like, SL= sometimes like)
I ____ to skinny dip
I ____ to use a vibrator
I ____ to use lube
I ____ to eat ____ fruit off your naked body
I can’t stand it when the dog or cat is watching us have sex ___ yes, ___ no
My favorite thing you wear to tell me you want sex is _______
My favorite food to play with during sex is __________
I like sex best when we ___________
The best time we had sex was __________

August 26, 2009

Throwback Thursdays: Bunches of O’s (Multiple orgasm part 2)

Whenever I heard of a woman saying that their orgasms would last forever or come right after one another I usually assumed that they were over exaggerating.  Then it happened.  I experienced this wonderful phenomenon for myself.  My husband and I were making love and I actually had to ask him to stop because it was just going and going.  The only analogy I can think of is riding this wave of pleasure but instead of coming down from the crest I just kept going and going.

These types of orgasms usually come from a little luck and a lot of hard work.  First my body had to learn how to shorten my refractory time to nothing.  You read that correctly, women have a refractory time too.  I talked about how to do this in “Multiple Orgasms; Part One”.  Once you master sequential orgasms then your body may start having these “bunches of  o’s”.

 

Bunches of O’s:  This type of orgasm comes one after the other in a continuous string until you decide to stop.   They are much less common then the sequential o’s but they are possible.  You just need to work at shortening the time between your sequential o’s and with some persistence these “Bunches of O’s” can be achieved.  Instead of basking in the glow like we discussed in part one of this series you keep the stimulation going constantly. The last time I had one of these my poor husband thought he was going to have to perform CPR.  Do I have this type of contraction every time I have an orgasm?  No, but when they happen it is a nice surprise.

Warning:  If this is making you lose focus on what lovemaking is really about then it is not worth it.  Becoming one with your spouse is much more satisfying then any orgasm.  Trying for multiple orgasms should be a fun thing not something that consumes you. These are much easier to obtain if you just happen to ‘fall upon them’.  Meaning, don’t think about them too much. If you find yourself frustrated then just go with the one orgasm.  Quality is far better then quantity.   

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Throwback Thursdays: Shelley Lubben: A Porn Star Set Free

The story of Shelley Lubben has impacted me (and my spice sisters) in a profound way. Shelley is an ex-porn star who God saved from the industry and released as a missionary to be used of God to set women and men free from the effects of the pornography industry. She is a brilliant woman and very well spoken. Not only is she aware of so many aspects of the industry that most people are ignorant of, but she also can intelligently communicate the information to audiences and governmental authorities as she rallies to see girls in the industry set free and laws set to reduce the damage caused by pornography.

I want to share some of her story with you, but encourage you to view the video at her website of her sharing it herself. I have watched it several times because it is so impacting. Shelley Tells the Hardcore Truth. You will find the video listed on this page.

Warning: the video contains some descriptions of what she endured as a victim of the porn industry and is not suitable for children.

Shelley grew up in a home with a disconnect to her parents. She describes her father as a workaholic and her mother as one who loved to nag. They raised her in the church for her first 8 years and then relocated and the family stopped attending church together. When she was 9 years old she was sexually molested by a teenage boy and his sister and she didn’t have the security in her relationship with her parents to be able to go to them for support. As a teenager she acted out her pain and anger towards her parents by drinking, smoking and having sex. When she was 18 years old, her father kicked her out of the house which she describes as feeling that her whole identity and been taken away.

She became homeless and hungry at that point and after not eating for several days a man approached her and told her that there was a man down the street who thought she was pretty and that she would get thirty five dollars if she would have sex with him. At first she was shocked and was going to say no, but then she heard the enemy tell her that no one else cared about her, why should she care. And this was her door into the sex industry. Prostitution, Stripping and Pornography. Shelley began a life of prostitution, but when she started fearing for her life a friend suggested that she try porn because it was legal in California. Knowing that she could make a lot of money and expecting that it was just like prostitution she decided to do it and over time became deeper and deeper entrapped by the lies and pain of the industry. She contracted an incurable sexually transmitted disease which devastated her. Throughout her years working as a prostitute and porn star she had been crying out to God, but she never felt that He gave her any hope. She knew He was there and heard Him speak to her, but she had no way to see how He could help her.

When she contracted herpes she left the porn industry and decided to go back to prostitution, but ended up infecting a married couple with the disease. Shortly after, she met a guy at a bar who she developed a non-sexual friendship with and they would get high and study the bible together. He fell in love with her and wanted to marry her and take her out of the sex industry after he heard of all that she had endured. Although she didn’t love him, she felt the love he had for her and was uncontrollably drawn to him because of it.

When they went to get married it cost them thirty five dollars to get the license, the same amount that she had been paid to turn her first trick. At that moment the Lord confirmed in her spirit that this was His hand.

It took years of recovery for her to be set free, but she is now this amazing voice of hope and freedom to those trapped where she had been and she has been miraculously healed of herpes along with many other emotional and physical wounds caused by working so many years in the sex industry.

If your husband is struggling to break free from an addiction to pornography, if you have sons who need to understand what life is like for the women who are victims of the industry, consider watching this together with them. A great deal of helpful information can be found at Shelley’s website.

original article

Throwback Thursdays: Interview with Lauren Jordan, Sex therapist

Lauren Jordan, LCSW, CST is Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and a Certified Sex Therapist (through AASECT). She has been providing therapy for individuals, couples, families and groups since 1986 in her Dallas, Texas private practice. Her website is www.BoostYourLowLibido.com. She can be emailed at lauren@BoostYourLowLibido.com, or contacted at the phone number below.

Lauren Jordan, LCSW, CST

7557 Rambler Road, Suite 612
Dallas, TX 75231
 214-692-6100 
 

 

General questions:

1. Explain why a woman or a couple would see a sex therapist instead of a regular marital therapist?

I wrote a blog called “I wish we had seen a Sex Therapist” earlier this year because I was hearing from many clients who expressed frustration that they had chosen to see a general Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) when they had a sexual concern like low libido, difficulty with arousal and orgasm, erectile dysfunction or early ejaculation.

They told me that they felt that they had wasted time, energy and money seeing therapists who seemed embarrassed even broaching sexual subjects. It is so difficult for anyone to go to therapy for a sexual issue, but if you get there and your therapist is literally blushing when you mention his erection problems, or your difficulty achieving orgasm, you will likely feel worse than you did originally! And that is precisely what these couples told me – they felt like they had already DONE a lot of therapy, and they were feeling cynical and even hopeless about tackling their problem. With education, this doesn’t have to happen to even one more couple!

Another problem with working with a MFT is that they have not had specialized training about sexual functioning, and sex therapy techniques. This means that even if they are comfortable dealing with the subject matter, they usually focus on resolving OTHER issues that may be contributing to your sexual problems, thinking that if these issues, such as communication problems, a lack of time together and connection, or conflict resolution skills are added, the sexual problems will JUST GO AWAY. What Sex Therapists know is that the data does not prove this to be true.

Yes, Sex Therapists do address other issues that may contribute to a woman’s low desire, or a man’s early ejaculation – but we know this is not enough without specific sex therapy techniques such as talking in very detailed ways about what happens in the bedroom, and in both partners’ minds and bodies; and then using carefully crafted exercises and interventions to remedy them.

Most of these clients told me that they had done so because the MFT was a provider on their insurance panel, so they had considerably less out of pocket expense. Most Certified Sex Therapists (CST) do not take insurance directly, because we are specialists in high demand – there are only a handful in the Dallas-Ft. Worth metroplex. Ironically, a decision that was made to save money, ended up not only not doing so, but had an emotional and relational cost that was incredibly higher.

If you have a sexual problem, see a specialist – a Certified Sex Therapist. Seeing a Marriage and Family Therapist is like going to your Family Practice Physician when you have heart disease and need a Cardiologist.

2. We sometimes advise couples to seek help from a sex therapist, but find they are very apprehensive about going. Can you explain what a couple can expect on their first visit to see you?

So many women have told me that their physician gave them my card a year ago – and have had a tremendous struggle with actually making that first call. It takes a lot of courage to call a Sex Therapist! One reason for this is that people are not sure exactly what Sex Therapists do and do not do – and some think a CST is actually a Sex Surrogate, who has sex with her clients to help them resolve their sexual problems. Certified Sex Therapists do not have sex with clients – ever! It is highly unethical, just as it is with a Marriage and Family Therapist. We do not have you do sexual activities in our offices, whether you are there individually or with your partner.

Sex Therapy is a focused type of talk therapy. We talk about your concerns. In the first sessions, we do just that, in order to get a full idea of what your current life is like, and what you would like it to be like. I do give a lot of homework assignments, which may be writing assignments, or non-sexual touching assignments, and usually progress to more sexual kinds of touching assignments – all of which you do in the comfort and privacy of your own home. There is not one prescription of exercises, as they are designed specifically for you and your partner to help you overcome the challenges that you have.

Another reason that people may carry my card around for a year before contacting me is that our society is profoundly sex-negative. Yes, on the one hand we are inundated with sex on tv, advertising, etc. But unfortunately, most of us, especially women, were never given gentle guidance and information about our bodies (beyond menstruation and reproduction) sexual functioning. The silence can be deafening – we are left to think that if no one talks about it, it must be very bad! This is how sexual shame, which I discuss a lot of my site, and with my clients, is born. It doesn’t come out of nothing.

If you have shame about sex – it will be very vulnerable and embarrassing to call a Sex Therapist for help with a sexual issue. First, you will be breaking the code of silence, about not talking about sex, and second, you may feel that you should never HAVE a sexual problem! That is a double-whammy! People do have sexual problems – just like they have relationship problems, financial problems, parenting challenges, work & career problems, and on and on. Thinking that you are the only one, and that you shouldn’t have any issues with sex, just makes it harder to take steps to resolve the problem.

So your first visit to a Sex Therapist would include filling out paperwork, then discussing your concerns, and then leaving with some homework to do on your own, and bring back to the next session. That’s it. You should feel respected, understood, and that your therapist seems to be someone who can help you. If you don’t, you might consult another Sex Therapist, as it is always important to feel there is some “fit” with your therapist.

3. Can you give examples of homework exercises that you might give a couple?

Some of the written exercises ask couples to think about how they learned about sex, and what they learned about it, to help them understand how it affects them today. I also use questionnaires which help determine what factors (there are many) are getting in their way of desiring or enjoying sex.

A common touching exercise would be to take an hour and take turns being the giver and receiver of touch, without any touching of the genitals, buttocks or breasts. The couple is also told NOT to have any type of sex during or after the exercise. Often couples have either gotten into ruts with their sexual routines, or have so little time that they rush through foreplay, and don’t take the necessary time to get fully aroused. An exercise like this can help couples reconnect with touch, explore what types of touch they like to give and receive in an atmosphere free of pressure to perform.

4. Does it always work best for both spouses to come together, or is there ever a time where it is best to just work one on one with the wife or the husband?

I have certainly worked individually with people on sexual issues, and it can work to do so. In general, it helps to see the couple together to get both partners’ perspectives. It depends upon what their concerns are as far as whether it would be an option for them. Of course, some partners may never be willing to come in, so individual or group work is the only option.

5. We know you aren’t a “Christian” therapist, but do you have any experience seeing women who are struggling with feelings of shame and/or guilt in their marriage because of strict teachings from their parents growing up, or from the church?

A huge part of the work I do with both men and women involves addressing sexual shame and guilt generated from sex-negative teachings from parents, schools, and religious institutions. Some of the messages were direct, such as “all boys want is to get into your pants” and some were indirect as in never talking about sex in the family at all. Silence can be a profound message: this subject is so bad that we will not utter its name in our house.

I find that doing the women’s workshops and groups are a great way to reduce shame and guilt. Women tell me that they felt liberated to be in an environment where it could be talked about openly with other women who have struggled as they have. The “I’m not alone!” feeling is very healing.

6. Can you share your opinion on what role masturbation could play in marriage?

I know that a lot of folks think that masturbation is wrong. While I do not share that view, and will respect a client’s decision about whether to include self-stimulation in his or her program to resolve sexual problems, I do think it can have a positive role in a marriage.

First, masturbation is a wonderful training ground for learning your own body’s sexual arousal and response. Learning alone can take the pressure off because you aren’t worried that your partner will get tired, bored or frustrated, or take it personally if you don’t have an orgasm. For this reason, I will broach the possibility of using masturbation as a step in the process of couples therapy. Some women (I say women because men usually begin masturbating in adolescence, and it is the rare man who has never masturbated) can allow themselves to use masturbation in this limited way, knowing that the purpose is moving them towards a fulfilling sex life with their husbands. Some are never going to feel this is ok, and there are other ways of working on this. I would never insist that anyone try masturbating if they do not feel right about it.

For women who have low libidos, masturbating can actually help to increase their libidos, which is the opposite of what one might think. Women tell me, “with so little desire, I should direct what I have towards my husband!” Self-stimulation can help a woman learn what she wants from her partner, and can make sex more satisfying, so that she wants it more frequently. It also helps her to acknowledge the sexual part of herself.

Masturbation can also provide some satisfaction when your partner is ill, traveling, or just has a lower level of desire than you do. It doesn’t have to take away from the relationship – though it can if it is done excessively.

7. What therapy options are available for men and women? Do you have group therapy and individual options?

Besides doing the individual and couples sessions, I offer Women’s Groups and Workshops such as “When there’s no sex in your city: a workshop for women on sex, intimacy and desire” and “Orgasm 101”. I have done workshops live in my conference room (up to 30 people), and by phone conferencing so that women can call in from wherever they are. Discovering Your Sexual Self small groups for women meet in my office and are for 4-8 women, usually for a series of meetings over several months. All of these combine sex education, discussion and homework exercises to keep you moving towards your goals.

I also have an eBook called “No Room For Sex: How To Boost Your Low Libido” which is available only through my website at http://www.BoostYourLowLibido.com.

You can buy the book alone, or the book and two personal email consultations.

I have had women come in from other states to attend a workshop, and I am likely to begin traveling to other locations to do my workshops. So there are a number of options.

Specific sexual issues:

8. What are the top issues that you see most prevalent in your clients?

The most common complaint for women is Low Libido, and for men, it is Early Ejaculation and Erectile Dysfunction. I also see a lot of women who have never had an orgasm.

9. What are the biggest factors in low libido?

The biggest reasons for low libido in my opinion are: sexual shame and guilt, relationship issues such as general disconnection, fears of intimacy, or buried resentments; unrealistic expectations about sex and romance, negative body image, sexual trauma, and fatigue from being over-committed with responsibilities.

10. There are so many women who struggle with achieving consistent orgasms or orgasms at all. What medical conditions can effect a woman’s orgasmic function? For women for whom it is psychological, what do you suggest women do to overcome this mental block?

Medications such as SSRI anti-depressants (prozac, lexapro, Zoloft, paxil) can both decrease libido and make it more difficult or impossible to have an orgasm. Anti-seizure medications can also interfere with orgasmic ability, as can neurological disorders. Almost all of the factors that can interfere with desire can also limit or interfere with orgasmic potential. It is a huge list of factors – see my eBook for a complete description. The treatment is to determine which factors are getting in your way and work to resolve them.

11. We hear frequently from couples who are dealing with pornography, and its devastating effects on their marriage. Do you have experience counseling couples in this area? In your experience, is pornography addiction directly related to any sexual issues and dysfunctions?

I have seen a growing amount of pornography addiction in recent years. It can be devastating to a couple – as devastating as an actual affair. An addiction can be born out of the sexless marriage – especially if the low libido partner has refused to listen to the other partner’s needs and wishes, or is unwilling to do anything about it. I’m not saying this is right, just that it happens. A male who has a fear of intimacy, negative body image, buried resentments towards his wife, feels sexually inadequate,and/or performance anxiety may retreat into porn as an emotionally safer substitute.

12. Although our blog is targeted at married women, we have many male readers. Do you find that men are more reluctant to come in for therapy? Do you have any specific areas that you specialize in for men?

I think it is difficult, anxiety-provoking and embarrassing for men and women to enter sex therapy. Men can seem to have more motivation to break through this because of their generally higher sex drives. When the issue is her low libido, most men are willing to come in for couples sessions – possibly because they see the problem as hers, rather than his or theirs, and may feel less embarrassed. However, there is almost always a relational contribution to a partner’s low libido.

I work with men on sexual problems such as Early Ejaculation, Erectile Dysfunction, Low Libido, Lack of Orgasm, Sex Addiction or concern about a particular fantasy or Fetish. I think men have the additional barrier of thinking that seeking help is not “manly” and I am sure there are many men out there who would never consider sex therapy even if their problem is ruining their relationship. After the first session, often both men and women tell me that they feel a huge sense of relief after having the chance to talk openly about their concerns without being judged in a negative way. They say they feel hopeful about being able to solve their problem now.

We are so thankful for Lauren Jordan’s willingness to give us her professional perspective on these questions. They will certainly be a valuable resource for our readers and I am particularly hopeful that much of the mystery behind sex therapy has been removed.

original articles in this two part series are here and here

Throwback Thursday: Don’t Let That Period Blot Our Your Fun!

I’m starting to feel crampy and bloated.

That can only mean one thing: my period will be here soon.

That is a bummer for a variety of reasons, the least of which is that GingerPapa and I have both been under the weather lately and there hasn’t been as much conjugal activity as usual. So now I’m getting ready for 5-6 days of The Red Menace, and I’m in the mood for love.

What to do?

Well, there are all sorts of things that we can do. Now granted, for the first couple of days I’m crampy and sore and want to be left alone. But by the third day we have to start making alternate arrangements.

Before I even start the list I want to mention that I know very well that some people go ahead and have intercourse during their period. We’ve tried it, but I just don’t care for it. If it works for you, run with it, but it’s not my favorite thing to do.

So without further ado, here’s a little list of ideas to tide you over:

1. Breast sex. This is something that I really enjoy on occasion. I love for my husband to play with my breasts, and so it’s really cool visually for him to go from sucking them to molding them around himself. We add a little lube to my cleavage, and away we go! He can ejaculate on me, which is a great visual for him.

2. Oral sex. Although oral play is a regular part of our lovemaking, I don’t often give him oral all the way to completion because we’re doing so many other things. So during my period sometimes I like to just take him in my mouth and do the whole whammy. It’s a nice surprise for him. But it’s not totally sacrificial, because I really get excited to see how excited he’s getting and well, it’s all good.

3. Anal sex. I think that Cumingirl has done a great job of describing the how-to’s of that. All of the usual foreplay, but with back door entry.

4. Semi-vaginal sex. We’ve done a sort of modified vaginal thing where he doesn’t actually enter my vagina per se, but I kind of wrap my outer labia around him, and he slides up and down. I’m not sure how to describe that better.

Some couples like to do manual sex at this time. Cumingirl has written a great piece on that, complete with a link to an instructional site.

Some couples also like to do something dubbed “The Scarlet Kiss.” The freshly showered wife inserts a clean tampon and then her husband proceeds to perform oral sex on her, just avoiding the area with the tampon. Not for everybody, but it’s an option.

So when it’s getting to be that time of the month, surprise your hubby with some new ideas for the bedroom. You’ll be glad you did!

original article

Throwback Thursdays: Pregnancy-To Be or Not To Be

I loved being pregnant. Nothing compares to feeling the baby’s first kick, watching your belly swell, hearing the heartbeat on the monitor, or seeing him/her on the ultrasound. Some people don’t care to have their belly rubbed but I was all for it. “You want to rub my belly? Here you go.” My brother’s wife had a very difficult pregnancy. She lost a bunch of weight, couldn’t keep any food or liquid down and she ended up being hospitalized. She didn’t see how it would be possible to have another baby even though my brother always wanted a slew of kids. It wasn’t guaranteed that she would become sick like that again but what if she did? Her son needed her. She couldn’t care for him if she were to have a similar pregnancy. This is when I had my brainstorm. I loved being pregnant, I’ll be her surrogate!!!!

My husband was not 100% for this plan. He would have to deal with my hormone fall out after the birth of the baby. When people would see his wife pregnant he would need to explain that I was carrying my brother’s baby. Would I be able to let go of the baby after giving birth to it? I tried to ease his mind by addressing his concerns. “But we won’t have a crying baby in our house in the middle of the night so I would be getting my sleep. It wasn’t hormones it was just lack of sleep.” “It’s not like I had sex with my brother! I would just be a house for the baby.” “ Of course I can give it up. It’s not like it’s really ‘my’ baby and I’m not a huge baby person anyway.” As my sister in law and brother were discussing the possibilities I started having irregular bleeding. I went for a bunch of tests and they all came back fine. Obviously this threw a wrench into our possible plans. I couldn’t possible be a surrogate with a wacky cycle happening.

Last week I attended a funeral service for a family member. As everyone paid their respects I looked behind me a spotted and 4 week old baby girl. The baby’s aunt was holding her and the baby started squirming. The aunt, who is just a teen and looking a bit unsure as to what to do, asked my mother if she wanted to hold the baby. My Mom said that she had to talk to some people first but would after that. Then it happened. This aunt made eye contact with me. “Hey Peppermint Girl, want to hold the baby?” I said OK and said a little prayer that the baby would not start screaming while in my arms. This place was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. I took the little bundle in my arms; she looked at me with her gorgeous eyes, grabbed my coat with her tiny figures snuggled into my neck and fell asleep. Now that the baby wasn’t fussing anymore the aunt asked to take her back. Reluctantly I handed her over. That night while laying in bed my husband asked me what I was thinking about. I told him that I was thinking about the baby. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I held her for 15 minutes tops and I still felt empty handing her back. Maybe I was more of a baby person then I thought.

Back when my cycles were irregular we made a decision that me being a surrogate was out of the question. The cycle following that conversation and every one after were fine. No irregular bleeding. I honestly think that God was giving me a message during my irregular time and I didn’t realize it until last week. I don’t think I could have given birth and given the baby away without feeling a tiny bit empty. God has a plan and I guess this wasn’t part of it. Hmmmm, Maybe His plan is for us to have one more of our own!!! Now I need to convince hubby to get a vasectiomy reversal. Do they even make cars that seat 6 kids?

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