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Ten Things to Never Say During a Fight

I read articles on Yahoo, since that is where my email is, and I came across this one about what not to say during a fight.     Now, granted, I am blessed that my husband and I don’t fight often at all.   We may have disagreements, but they are usually settled in a reasonable fashion without raised voices or heated arguments.   BUT there have been occasions, especially in light of my parents situations, where I have not been my best.  Yes, right after I got the news, the very next day I did explode on my husband.   One of those that I realized the next morning, that I really did him wrong, and it wasn’t his fault kinda things, and I apologized.  (Yes, I let the sun go down on my anger, too)  After reading this, I am guilty of using some of these in the past though.

“I want a divorce” -  not in these words, but I have said something to the effect maybe I should leave and stay where I go…. definitely not a winner on my part.

“I am not mad at you” – I think I have learned enough “I’m not mad, I am disappointed.” or other catch phrases.  Body language holds a big thing in this.  I have rolled my eyes.  Slammed doors.    It’s always best to cool down before entering into a discussion about what is upsetting you.

“You are just like your father.” – I am so guilty of saying this in the past.   He doesn’t like this one single bit.  He doesn’t consider  himself anything like his father nor does he ever want to be considered like his father.  He’s his own man.   There are times I DO see traits in him that his father displays, but it’s best not to even go down that road in a fight… it makes it worse in my house.

“You’re such a jerk/coward/expletive of choice” – name calling just isn’t right.  It cuts people to the core.  Remember the old saying as kids, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”?   Well, words hurt MORE than any broken bone. It’s just best to give yourself a timeout to catch your breath and get in a better place if you’ve let yourself go this far.

“Look, now the baby is upset, too” – not just babies get upset when parents argue…kids of ALL ages do.  I am sure it would upset our 10 and 17 year old to hear us fight.   Which is why if we do, they are not in the room or we leave the room.   Or we just again give ourself a timeout to cool off.

“You did the same thing last time” – there is no sense in bringing things up over and over again.  If you’ve forgiven last time, then don’t bring it back up.  It proves to your spouse that you didn’t really forgive in the first place.

“You’re always late” – I tell my kids to stop using “always” and “never” in an argument because they aren’t always true!

“Why are you mad?” – He’s allowed to have a bad day, just like you are.   Give some berth, time to cool down.   With my hubby, it’s probably that his favorite baseball team screwed something up and he’s just in a mood for a bit.  It passes.  We have our emotions, too, and it would irk us to always be asked that question, too.  Not worth opening Pandora’s box…once it’s open, you can’t put it back.

“You need to talk to me right now” – Um, no.  I don’t.  Maybe I need a timeout.  Maybe he needs a time out.  Maybe you should just make an appointment to talk later.   You might get wrath that makes things worse.  People don’t like being told what to do… they like to be asked.

“This is all your fault.” – again, just like never and always, it is NEVER all his fault.  It takes two to tango.  And a lot of time when I might *feel* like it is his fault, and God opens my heart and my eyes to see that, nope, part of the fault may be mine, or ALL of the fault may be mine… I just don’t want to accept that I could be at fault.

All 10 of these can be damaging to your sex life… go to bed mad and intimacy goes right out the door.   Unless it is for make up sex. ;)

What are your thoughts?

Taking a look at modesty

A friend of mine on Facebook had liked and shared this article on Modesty.  I have  noticed that the authors of this blog had to close comments since it took so many comments for them to moderate!

But they bring up a really good point that I had never really thought about with the verse they quoted.

“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” - Matthew 5:28  (emphasis mine)

The verse doesn’t only address guys like I originally thought…  If I dress in a manner that would make any man stumble, I am a part of his sin.  No, we cannot make them NOT think lustfully, but if we dress modestly, we don’t give them the opportunity to sin.  Yes, there will always be those kinds of men who will lust after you no matter what you wear, but I think it is honoring to God to dress modestly, so that our other Christian brothers (or any man in general) does not sin.

What are your thoughts on this?

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Threesomes: Are Christians Tempted?

Sexual temptations can come in many forms.  One temptation that can sometimes come up in a marriage is the idea of adding someone else to the mix.  I believe that viewing pornography together is one of the things that can put these sinful thoughts into a couple’s head.  It looks so enticing on the screen.  Everyone looks like they are having the time of their lives.

Threesomes are so common in porn that it kind of normalizes it in your head.  You may start thinking “We love each other so much, so it’s okay to just try it once.”  “Our marriage is so strong.  We can handle this.”  “We’ll just get someone that we already know and trust.  We’ll be okay.”  The truth is that you won’t be okay.  Giving in to these thoughts will do permanent damage to your marriage.  Look at what God tells us in 1 Corinthians:

1 Corinthians 6:18-19 (NIV)

18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;

“FLEE,” He said!  God tells us to “Flee from sexual immorality.”  To flee means to run away from swiftly.  He did not tell us to think about it and weigh the pros and cons.  He said to run away from it!  There is no compromise.  Don’t you think that God knows what is best for us?  The couples who do not flee end up in a bad situation.

The wife may secretly wonder…

  • Did he enjoy having sex with her more so than with me?
  • Does he find her body more appealing than mine?
  • Was she ‘tighter’ than me?
  • Was he happier with her oral skills instead of mine?
  • If he wants to do it again, does that mean that I’m not enough for him?

The husband may secretly wonder…

  • Did she like the way he/she moved/thrusted/grinded better than the way I do it?
  • He looked slightly larger… I wonder if she found him more satisfying?
  • I wonder if she liked his/her oral skills better than mine?
  • She was more vocal with him/her…so does that mean she enjoyed it more?
  • If she wants to do it again, does that mean that I’m not enough for her?

From that day forward, their marriage will never be the same.  Trust issues will come up, especially if the third person was someone they both knew.  It will begin to eat away at their marriage bit by bit until their marriage becomes a shell of what it once was.  God knew what he was talking about when he told us to FLEE.

 

1 Thessalonians 4:2-4 (NIV)

2 For you know what instructions we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus. 3It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable,

We are told to control our own bodies.  We have the Holy Spirit living inside of us and we are to keep ourselves holy and honorable.  Committing acts of fornication or adultery is not consistent with keeping ourselves honorable.  It doesn’t matter that you both consent to it.  A threesome has to involve either fornication or adultery, and both are an abomination to God.

Proverbs 6:32 (NIV)

32 But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment;
whoever does so destroys himself.

God’s word is clear on adultery and fornication. Inviting someone else into your marriage bed is sin, plain and simple.  What I would tell young couples now is to guard your hearts and your minds. Never say “It won’t happen to me” because it can. Satan is always at work, looking for areas in your life that he can slip in, unnoticed. Cleave to each other and pray together. Know that, as Christians, we have the Holy Spirit living inside us, and we should strive to keep our temples pure and pleasing to God. But also remember that God loves us all. He knows we are human and will be tempted, and He will always be there with open arms, ready to forgive us when we stumble, if we but ask.

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Abstinence AFTER marriage?

I was reading down my facebook page, and came upon this article linked to from Shannon Ethridge’s page….

Christian Couple Maintains Abstinence …

My first thought was …. WHY???   Then I preceded to read the article, and I still thought WHY???  (Of course, I have read this article is a satire and not true, but let’s talk about it anyway)

I was really seriously confused as I read this originally as to why two professing Christians were abstaining from sex in their marriage at all…. I highly respect them for abstaining before their marriage, but after?  It makes me wonder to what extreme these two were brought up on sex.   He eats a whole raw potato when he has “bedroom thoughts.”   They can’t even come to say they sexually desire their spouse.   She sprays cool mist water on her face.    I’d rather my hubby squirt chocolate syrup, whipped topping and a cherry on  me… lol   So why?

” for us it’s about staying  faithful to the abstinence message and the holiness involved with that,” says Jon who seems unbothered. “For us, true love waits, and waits, and waits.”

They are a cute couple.   I wish the article mentioned what religion they practiced so I could try to understand this more.   These two might as well just be roommates.

If you are single or newly married, God has given you a gift.  It’s the gift that keeps on giving.   God intended for man to leave his father and mother and be united with his wife. The two are supposed to become one flesh, intimately united to one another.  (read Genesis 2:24)  God wants you to make love to your husband and enjoy each other’s bodies sexually.  It is a spiritual act of worship to God who gave you this wonderful thing called marriage.

I pray for them that this abstinence doesn’t cause them to stumble into sin and that someone who truly understands scripture can convince them that this isn’t healthy for their marriage.

Does Technology Threaten Your Marriage?

I came upon this article on The Marriage Bed‘s Facebook page.   When I saw the title, I thought that the topic might be a little different, but it still applies today.

My husband and I have  A LOT of technology at home.  We have 1 desk top computer, 4 laptops and 3 smart phones.  Granted one laptop and the desk top are my son’s for school, we feel very technology rich.  We email.  We use Facebook.  We text.  We don’t tweet yet…. I think we won’t… texting and FB seem enough for now.   But we’ve had to make a promise to each other.  We both have made our passwords available to each other.  At any time, he can ask to see my phone and texts, and vice versa.  I can read all his emails, his PMs and texts at any time.  In this day and age, that is important that spouses make that agreement with each other.   There is too much of a chance for innocent texts to become something more, and just like the article says, we are just asking for affairs when there is no accountability.   Satan loves it.  When couples become unaccountable to each other, Satan weaves his web of deception and before you know it, a marriage is damaged.

What do you have in place with your spouse regarding accountability?  Has this happened to you where you have been tempted by your feelings in the moment when you aren’t being held accountable by your spouse?

Science of Pornography

My husband showed me this video about pornography.  It thought it would be a good topic of conversation.   After watching the video, post your comments on it.  Did you know this already?  Did you learn something new about pornography?  Will this make you RUN/FLEE from Porn?

How Do I Know What is Okay?

In discerning what is and is not OK in a husband and wife’s sexual relationship when they have as much of a desire to walk rightly with God as they do to have a passionate marriage bed, I want to give you several guidelines to help you find clarity for your relationship with your spouse. We have spoken of these guidelines generally with certain topics as they have come up, but this article is focused on explaining each of them. Whether you are considering oral sex, anal sex, sex toys, masturbation, role playing, light bondage or simply even a new position, I offer you these questions to consider as you look at whether or not to include it on your shelf of spices.

Does this sexual act include anyone other than your spouse? Whether the person is physically in the room as in the case of threesomes, or if they are on a television screen in the case of pornography, or even if they are mentally in your head in the case of fantasizing about having sex with someone else, we would encourage you not to include these activities in your marriage bed. Although they might seem erotic and sexy, they will be a distraction from God’s plan for your hot and spicy sex life.

Is this sexual act something that both spouses agree they would like to try? If one spouse would like to try an activity in bed and the other feels it is wrong or simply feels really uncomfortable doing it, it should remain off the table until unity is reached. Now, there are situations where a husband or wife wishes to avoid all sex and in this case we are dealing with a sin issue of refusal which you can find information about here. However when I speak of being in agreement, I mean that if, for example, one spouse wants to have sex somewhere semi-public and the other is uncomfortable with it, the one who desires it should present it on occasion and then let the other person choose to try it or not. Strongly pressuring your spouse because you find it highly erotic and know that it would add to your sexual experience will actually make them less likely to try it. Refusing a specific act is not the same as refusing sex. Having said this, let me encourage you to try things you are a bit uncomfortable with if your spouse shows an interest. Sometimes we view something as sin either because we were taught that it is, though it may not actually be so, or because we fear it. Pray about it. If it is sin, avoid it. If it is something you fear or something someone else told you was wrong, consider trying it if you feel peace about that. Ask God to give you truth as you seek out what is and what is not sinful.

Is this sexual act one that God has clearly told us in Scripture is to be avoided? There are some acts which we are told in the Bible are not for us to participate in. Among the list are sex with animals, sex with someone of the same gender, and sex with someone who is married to someone else. Trying to justify our sin by saying that a loving God wouldn’t restrict us in these ways is harmful primarily to our relationship with Him, but also to our spouse. God planned for sex to be the way He did for a reason. When we avoid the things He tells us to avoid, then sex as He planned it to be from the beginning can be restored. Remember that before sin entered the world Adam and Eve walked around naked all the time. Sin, not God, caused them to think there was something wrong with their sexuality.

Does this sexual act move you towards deeper intimacy or further away? There are some things which could be a distraction from where our sexual energy should be focused. Fetishes would fall into this category. Dictionary.com defines a fetish as “any object or non-genital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.” If you love your wife’s sexy feet or your husband’s strong broad shoulders and they are a turn on for you, this is not a harmful fetish unless you require these body parts to be involved in order to become aroused. A harmful fixation on a fetish will result in the item or body part becoming a greater focus than your spouse which will not facilitate deeper intimacy.

Does this sexual act degrade or cause pain to my spouse? There are a number of sexual acts which some people participate in that are degrading to one of the people. Acts involving bodily waste (scat, golden showers, emetophilia…) have no place in a sexual relationship where the husband and wife are also seeking to live a life of devotion to the One who said that husbands should love their wives and wives should respect their husbands. As well, if you and your spouse enjoy the teasing and playfulness and trust involved in light bondage and that builds your intimacy then feel free to incorporate it, but anything in the arena of BDSM which causes pain or is motivated by a desire to intimidate the one God has given you to be your lifelong companion should not be incorporated. Violence is unacceptable.

I hope these guidelines are helpful as you honestly look at the options you have for spicing things up. Really, there are far more things that you can enjoy together, than those you can not. And for the things that shouldn’t be included, there are legitimate reasons. Don’t fight God on it, trust Him. If you don’t believe in God, try living sexually this way for awhile and see what comes of it.

Original article