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Photographs

I had an interesting question come up.   With the use of phones and webcams and iPads and such….  is it a good idea to take pictures of yourself and text them to your spouse?

It depends on your comfort level first of all.   Me, personally, I really wouldn’t want to send “personal” pictures to my hubby on his phone.  He works with Jr. High and HS kids…what if he left his phone laying around and someone else were to pick it up?  What if his phone gets stolen?  My picture could be text all over kingdom come….

Now, in the past, when he goes on out of town trips, we have got on webcam and given each other peepshows, when it was just him and me in our rooms (his hotel private room and me when the kids are in bed and won’t be visiting me in my room)  It has been very erotic.  Nothing recorded or anything like that.

If your spouse ever asks you to do something that you are uncomfortable with or to do something you think is sinful, I wouldn’t do it.  Gently explain your reasons why.   Examine your reason.   Is it selfish or a reasonable concern?  If you think it is sinful, do you have scripture to back it up?  Can you come up with a compromise that would be acceptable to both of you?

What would you do if your spouse asked you to take a picture and send it to him via text or email?

Reader’s Questions: Low Drive after Miscarriage

 My DH and I will have been married a year at the end of July.  I got pregnant last October but had a miscarriage after on New Years Eve, with a D&C on New Years Day.  Needless to say its puts a tough strain on our marriage, we were both really torn up about it.  To compound the issue my hormones have gone completely nuts.  The Premenstrual dysphoric disorder that I had as a teenager came back with a roar, which makes me extremely exhausted, irritable, agitated, and emotional.  We have been unable to get pregnant for the last 6 months.  One of the worst symptoms though is my sex drive or complete lack of it.

Last week my husband asked, with tears and fear in his eyes, if I still loved him or if we were just roommates.  I felt awful about it.  I don’t know what to do though.  I’m trying to get the hormone problem fixed with the help of a fertility specialist.  I’ve tried masturbating and I’ve tried having sex every day with my DH.  Nothing helps.  I can’t even get aroused.  If I do its only slightly and I very rarely orgasm and definitely not one worth writing home about.   I don’t know what to do.  I feel terrible about my husband wondering if I still love him and think he is attractive and I sure do!

PLEASE HELP US!

This is such  a hard situation.  I am so sorry for your loss.   I am going to leave this for readers.  I have never had a miscarriage, so I cannot even begin to understand the devastation this has caused both of you in losing your child.    I am praying for you both.  I can tell you that God can heal this.  What does your doctor say?  Are you talking to anyone about the miscarriage?

spicynutmeg

Reader’s question: Help a HSD wife

Do you have any advice for women with a HSD dealing with a man with LSD? This is the case with our marriage, and we’ve only been married 4 months! I try to talk about it with my husband, but it seems like he is just constantly tired. I am nearly always the initiator. We both work full time – I just don’t know why he is always wiped out. He has said a couple of times that when he is tired (or when I want to try something new) sex feels like work. I know he didn’t mean it to be hurtful but I kind of resent that comment. How on earth to I talk about my frustration without completely damaging his self-esteem?

I am not HSD in my house, so I will leave this out there for any of you HSD wives… what has worked for you?

Readers Questions: Hubby losing erection

A reader posed a question to me about a dilemma she is having.  She has recently had an “awakening” and can’t get enough of her hubby.   Recently, he has been losing his erection during intercourse.  This has happened about 4-5 times in the past month.   They are both in their early 30’s, 3 children, and he is an avid cyclist.  She is starting to feel rejected.  Can we help her with the words to communicate to her husband that she loves being intimate with him, but is a bit concerned about him losing his erection.

I know approaching a man about his erections can be a sore subject that some men don’t like to address.   It can make them feel worse.   Any suggestions for this reader?

A reader who needs help

This reader’s question has to do with her past getting in the way of her intimacy with her husband…She made some bad decisions with her sexuality as a teen, and it interferes with her current marriage bed.  Here’s a few snippets of her question….

I got married to a wonderful godly man when my twins were 2.5 years old and we now have 2 more kids. We have been married for 5 years and I have been to counseling a few times for my past. For the past year, I have really struggled with giving up control in our sexual intimacy. I feel like if I do, then feelings and memories will come back when my husband touches me. There have been times when he has touched me and it hasn’t felt good, even though other times, he touches me the same way and it’s enjoyable like it should be. How do I give up control so my husband and I can enjoy sex the way God describes it

I have no past experience in the extent of her experiences, which include, unfortunately, rape.  BUT I do know the feeling of letting my PAST get in the way of my PRESENT and FUTURE.  I had multiple partners before marrying my husband.   There were things I did with them that I was not proud of.   There were times when it felt like the Holy Spirit was SCREAMING at me not to sleep with the guy, but I did it anyway.   Crazy stuff.  Crazy.   But for a while, it really interfered with my sex life.  I don’t have really any answers, only that it took time for God to patiently wait for me to be ready for the truth.  Until then, I believed a lot of Satan’s lies about me and intimacy with my husband.   Communicate as much as you feel comfortable with your husband about your past and issues that are popping up.   I am not sure how compassionate he would be about it, but remember he chose you.  He loves you.  He wants to be intimate with you, so I pray that he will be patient, loving and helpful as you pray and work through all this with your counselor.

Any help or suggestions from my faithful readers?  I know she would appreciate any help you can offer her.

From my head to my bed….

How do I make the transition from what I think in my head, to what I actually do in my bed?  While my DH is away or at work I can imagine the types of things I would like to do or try sexually but when it’s show time, I have a hard time following through.  Any suggestions?

Ah, my dear reader, you just snuck inside my head!  I will confess that I am not the greatest with my imagination.  I don’t spend a lot of time thinking in my head what I would like to do with my hubby.   For example, last night in bed, I thought, “Wouldn’t it be great if I just rolled over right on top of him and said, ‘now what do you want to do?’ ”  It sounded like a great way to start something with him, and I do not initiate as often as he does, so I was feeling really great about it.   Until I looked to my left, and there he was, and for some darn reason…. I just couldn’t do it!  FINALLY, I said to myself, “Look, stupid…you’re married to this wonderful man.  He’s a hunk.  You love him.  You know you love making love to him, JUST DO IT.”   I HATE having to talk myself into doing things as innocuous as this…. For the life of me, I wish I could be more like I was right after my awakening…. I really need to work on this.

My advice, just do it.   He will probably love it!  My DH’s answer to my question last night….. “Well, I can think of several things we can do….”   This is the man you chose to marry.  This is the man who loves you more than anything in the world.  This is the man who will probably LOVE what kinky stuff is going on in your mind.  Just do it!  As long as the two of you are into it and not doing anything immoral or illegal, just do it!

Anyone else want to post some suggestions for this reader?

Admiration v Lust

My husband is a very visual/artistic man and says that for him, for the vast majority of the time, looking at beautiful women in bikinis, lingerie, etc is the same as looking at a beautiful car or art picture. He enjoys it for it’s beauty and it has nothing to do with his love or desire for me, nor does he use it for sexual fulfillment.

As I step out to tackle this issue, I am fully aware that there are as many opinions on this matter as there are variables to consider in determining what is right. And honestly I believe that this is one of those topics where there is not one right answer for everyone. We all have different weaknesses and areas where we are more prone to sin, and I believe that two people could be looking at the same thing and one of them could be sinning while the other is not. Your heart before God is between you and Him, and I won’t attempt to determine for anyone whether or not admiring a beautiful person crosses over into lust. What I want to do is create a space to consider what we should be aware of with this issue.

To begin with we need to keep in mind that although there is much grey in this issue, there is no grey in the fact that God is clear that lust is sinful. For more information on this you can read our article on lust, but suffice it to say that if you are unable to look at beautiful people without developing a sexual desire for them then you need to figure out how to manage that. You are going to have to maintain sufficient boundaries to protect your heart.

The grey area is in whether or not you are able to look at people who are in situations that you associate with sex, and not lust after them. Men in a Calvin Klein underwear ad. Women in a Victoria Secret catalog. Nude sun bathers on the Mexican Riviera. Artistic paintings that portray intimate acts. I can not draw a line for anyone else in these situations because our weaknesses are different. Where one person sees nudity as being redeemed through Christ’s death on the cross where he removed our shame, another person has only ever seen nudity with a connection to sexual acts. How can we possibly establish a black and white rule that would apply to both people? That is why we need the Holy Spirit to lead us, because He knows us and will guide us in how to be self-controlled in our thought life.

So I do believe that the husband, in the case of the writer of the above question, could very well be able to look at beautiful women and admire her without becoming sexually desirous or covetous of her, but if in fact he sees an attractive woman in lingerie and admires her and then desires her, he needs to be accountable for that sin. In either case, an important factor is that his wife is uncomfortable with it. In order to be loving toward her, when he is with his wife and an attractive woman is near by in a bikini I think it would be respectful of him to keep his focus on his wife in these situations. I think it’s important for a couple to be able to communicate these sorts of things to one another and so it’s good that this man could express his perspective on it and perhaps at some point this writer will adjust her own perspective and there will be more unity between them. For now, though, it would be beneficial to their relationship for them to extend a lot of grace to one another.

We need to remember in all of this that nakedness, in and of itself, is not sinful. It’s the circumstances around how someone is or isn’t dressed that determine if it is sin or not, and because we live in a fallen world, we do need to be mindful of the fact that to see immodesty is a struggle for a lot of people. This is why I believe that a certain amount of awareness of the impact of  how we dress is important. Having said that, I also believe that the onus is not on us to manage another person’s sin for them. If a man or a woman looks beautiful and they dress well, people are going to notice and will choose where they allow their thoughts to go.

Another woman wrote us the following:

My husband continues to point out beautiful women that we see in public, on the internet and on TV.  I’ve told him that this hurts my feelings.  I am a beautiful woman and I’m happy with the way I look and he agrees.  He feels it’s better that I know that he his looking at other women, than keep it a secret.  He is very communicative about all things and that’s usually a blessing, but his commentaries on beautiful women bothers me.  Should I just get over it or tell him again to please stop?

This is another situation where not every solution will be appropriate for every couple. I have friends who are very expressive with their spouse about the attractive people they see and they are fine with that, but the fact remains that if this writer has told her husband not to mention the beautiful women he sees, he should be respectful of her wishes and keep those observations to himself.

So what is your opinion on this? How do you feel about your husband looking at beautiful women? Do you think it’s ever possible for him to look and not lust? Are you able to look at handsome men and admire them without lusting? I’m interested to hear your perspective.

original article