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The Marriage Bed (The Three S’s)

I corresponded with Paul and Lori Byerly off and on for years now, and I truly appreciate their ministry at the Marriage Bed.  It has been a blessing to our marriage, and I am ever so glad that my husband found and introduced me to the Marriage Bed when we were going through our sexual difficulties.  If you have not visited their site, I  highly encourage it.

I was reading one of Paul’s articles (The Three S’s)  on the site, and it is very helpful to me, so I thought I would pass it on to you, too.   I know a lot of you don’t have issues with this topic, but I also know there are those who do have issues.   It was about three things that you can do naked that do not have to end up with sexual intercourse.  Of course, they CAN end up that way if you wish, but it doesn’t have to.

Those three things are SHOWERS, SLEEPING and SNUGGLING.  I know I tend to avoid showers about 90% of the time, just because somehow I have related showering together with sexual intercourse, not just for the pleasure of seeing, touching and cleaning each other’s bodies.  Sleeping is hard for me, too.  I see so many pretty things that I want to wear to bed, and yes, some are not too pretty, but I PROMISE, I gave up my flannels a long time ago with my granny panties, ok??   Hubby loves to sleep naked.  If I buy anything pretty that I think he’ll like to see me in, it ends up on the floor…he’d rather see me naked.  I get that.   My hang up used to be the kids… I don’t have that problem anymore, so I need to do this more often.  Just need to find a good place to hang my robe near my side of the bed.  Snuggling is just something that needs to happen more often in our household.  It ends up being snuggling in bed at night only with a teen and a preteen in the house, so it fits more under the category of sleeping with us… we just need to get creative with this.

Thanks, Paul, for this article.  It was really helpful and made me aware of areas I need to work on in my own marriage.

 

Taking a look at modesty

A friend of mine on Facebook had liked and shared this article on Modesty.  I have  noticed that the authors of this blog had to close comments since it took so many comments for them to moderate!

But they bring up a really good point that I had never really thought about with the verse they quoted.

“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” - Matthew 5:28  (emphasis mine)

The verse doesn’t only address guys like I originally thought…  If I dress in a manner that would make any man stumble, I am a part of his sin.  No, we cannot make them NOT think lustfully, but if we dress modestly, we don’t give them the opportunity to sin.  Yes, there will always be those kinds of men who will lust after you no matter what you wear, but I think it is honoring to God to dress modestly, so that our other Christian brothers (or any man in general) does not sin.

What are your thoughts on this?

spicynutmeg

Is Abstinence training giving Christian sex a bad reputation?

This past weekend, I found this article that I started reading because at first I was in full disagreement with it.  It can be found here.

As I began reading this article, I got a really bad taste in my mouth.  BUT I decided to try to keep my opinion neutral until I read the whole article.  I don’t know much about Relevant magazine, but I read on.

There are parts of it that I disagree with, and there are parts of it that I do agree with, and I thought it was worth taking the time to discuss it.

My husband and I will teach abstinence to our children.  We know FIRST HAND what can happen to a marriage where you did not save yourself for your spouse.   The first 11 years were a BIG struggle, but I let Satan take root in my past and cause so much pain to my husband, BUT my husband was NOT willing to give up the fight for our  marriage over sex.   He was ready to GIVE IT ALL UP for our marriage.   This is what we will include in our abstinence talks with our kids… that yes, you need to keep your purity for your spouse, but when you DO choose someone to spend your life with, that sex can be a wonderful gift, but you also need to realize that it WON’T be Hollywood style sex from your wedding night until death do you part.   It is not easy.  It isn’t always mind blowing.  It is a give and take.   It is a only a part of your marriage, it isn’t the ONLY thing in your marriage.   I am so eternally grateful that my husband valued our marriage over sex.   We could be living a sexless marriage, but a HAPPY marriage if God hadn’t intervened.    Sex is like an experiment.  If you get all the right ingredients in the right proportions, you’ll love it.  If you don’t communicate that something doesn’t feel right… something hurts… something stimulates you in a wrong way…. then it’s like a science experiment that will blow up in your face.

BUT if you have saved yourself for marriage, how do you know what is good sex and what is bad?  It is up to the newly married couple to MAKE it so.    It doesn’t mean that one partner is “good in bed” and the other isn’t.    I loved reading the COMMENTS back to this article, and that is where I got the most pleasure of reading the article.  The people who countered her.

I clicked the link to the article she was basically quoting…. Jessica  Henriquez’ story.  Jessica was 19-20ish when she married.  While I feel sorry for her that she went into marriage with the wrong impression, she, in a way, has the right idea in the end of her article… to a very small degree.  Here’s a quote from it “The key is to figure that out before you find yourself walking down an aisle in a dress that costs more than the family car (my mother has since reminded me). It isn’t the most important thing when it comes to love…  AHA   Yes, there is more to marriage than sex, the key is to really understand what you and your fiance expect.  Find it out BEFORE you get married.   Find out if you are on the same page and are willing to work it out …. Jessica checked out of sex from the beginning of her marriage and misled her husband into thinking she was into it.   She should have started communicating to him what she  needed.  What was wrong.  What could they do to make it better for HER since it was obvious it was good for him.  She ends her quote the totally wrong way though…. “But for me, I learned that sex is important enough not to wait.”

If either of my kids were to ask about my past, I would be truthful with them.  I had too many partners before I met my husband and honestly, he was one of them.   I wished that I had saved myself for him, but it didn’t work out that way.  Communication is the key to any marriage.  Have fun in your marriage bed.  Laugh at your mistakes and try again.   Neither one of you is “incompatible” with the other.  The bond between you, your spouse and your Lord and Savior are all you need to help you with ANY issue that comes up in your marriage.

Here’s my true thoughts.  Save yourself for marriage.  Get GOOD premarital counseling that includes what to expect sexually and how God intends sex to be.  If you go through counseling and DO NOT get counseling in this area, find another counselor!  Choose your spouse wisely.  Talk with your fiance about sex after marriage.  What do you expect?  What does he expect?  How can you work together?  What if there are difficulties in the first few nights?  Weeks?  Months?  Years?  What are you going to do?   Is divorce EVER an option over sex?  I loved the commenter who said that you don’t need “Desperate Housewives” or porn to coach you.   You are NOT incompatible with your spouse.  Incompatibility means that it will never work out…square peg in a round hole.  All issues can be worked out.  God placed you together, don’t ignore that fact.  If Jessica were “incompatible” with her husband at the time, it was by her choice, not by God’s design.  Ignore Hollywood sex.  It doesn’t always work that way.   Find you a good supportive church with people willing to help counsel you.  I would love someday to be a couple that helps counsel other married couples in our church.  In the meantime, I attempt to offer help and guidance here, but mark my words, I will never tell you to divorce over sex.   Marriage is so much more than that.   Be willing to compromise.  Use the Bible as your guide.  The TRUTH is in that book.   If it isn’t biblical, don’t do it.   God wants you to save yourself for marriage.

spicynutmeg