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Ten Things to Never Say During a Fight

I read articles on Yahoo, since that is where my email is, and I came across this one about what not to say during a fight.     Now, granted, I am blessed that my husband and I don’t fight often at all.   We may have disagreements, but they are usually settled in a reasonable fashion without raised voices or heated arguments.   BUT there have been occasions, especially in light of my parents situations, where I have not been my best.  Yes, right after I got the news, the very next day I did explode on my husband.   One of those that I realized the next morning, that I really did him wrong, and it wasn’t his fault kinda things, and I apologized.  (Yes, I let the sun go down on my anger, too)  After reading this, I am guilty of using some of these in the past though.

“I want a divorce” -  not in these words, but I have said something to the effect maybe I should leave and stay where I go…. definitely not a winner on my part.

“I am not mad at you” – I think I have learned enough “I’m not mad, I am disappointed.” or other catch phrases.  Body language holds a big thing in this.  I have rolled my eyes.  Slammed doors.    It’s always best to cool down before entering into a discussion about what is upsetting you.

“You are just like your father.” – I am so guilty of saying this in the past.   He doesn’t like this one single bit.  He doesn’t consider  himself anything like his father nor does he ever want to be considered like his father.  He’s his own man.   There are times I DO see traits in him that his father displays, but it’s best not to even go down that road in a fight… it makes it worse in my house.

“You’re such a jerk/coward/expletive of choice” – name calling just isn’t right.  It cuts people to the core.  Remember the old saying as kids, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”?   Well, words hurt MORE than any broken bone. It’s just best to give yourself a timeout to catch your breath and get in a better place if you’ve let yourself go this far.

“Look, now the baby is upset, too” – not just babies get upset when parents argue…kids of ALL ages do.  I am sure it would upset our 10 and 17 year old to hear us fight.   Which is why if we do, they are not in the room or we leave the room.   Or we just again give ourself a timeout to cool off.

“You did the same thing last time” – there is no sense in bringing things up over and over again.  If you’ve forgiven last time, then don’t bring it back up.  It proves to your spouse that you didn’t really forgive in the first place.

“You’re always late” – I tell my kids to stop using “always” and “never” in an argument because they aren’t always true!

“Why are you mad?” – He’s allowed to have a bad day, just like you are.   Give some berth, time to cool down.   With my hubby, it’s probably that his favorite baseball team screwed something up and he’s just in a mood for a bit.  It passes.  We have our emotions, too, and it would irk us to always be asked that question, too.  Not worth opening Pandora’s box…once it’s open, you can’t put it back.

“You need to talk to me right now” – Um, no.  I don’t.  Maybe I need a timeout.  Maybe he needs a time out.  Maybe you should just make an appointment to talk later.   You might get wrath that makes things worse.  People don’t like being told what to do… they like to be asked.

“This is all your fault.” – again, just like never and always, it is NEVER all his fault.  It takes two to tango.  And a lot of time when I might *feel* like it is his fault, and God opens my heart and my eyes to see that, nope, part of the fault may be mine, or ALL of the fault may be mine… I just don’t want to accept that I could be at fault.

All 10 of these can be damaging to your sex life… go to bed mad and intimacy goes right out the door.   Unless it is for make up sex. ;)

What are your thoughts?

HDS vs LDS

This article drew my attention by just the title.   Contrary to popular belief, the HDS (high drive spouse) isn’t always the husband.   In my household, I am the LDS (low drive spouse).   A lot of what he talked about in the article really rings true.  I know all of those things.  I have heard my hubby say them many times.

Here are the 5 things the HDS feels:

1.  It’s part of who I am:  God created my DH special and unique.  His HDS is a part of that.

2. I can’t just turn it off:  When I went through my refusing years, I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just turn it off.  I was tired and didn’t feel like making love.  Why wasn’t he tired, too?  It wasn’t until I realized it was how God created him that I tried to be more understanding and thinking more of what his needs were.

3.  The pain of “no” becomes too hard to hear after awhile:  He’s told me that many times.   I try now to not say no, but say when we can do it…. not in 2015, but maybe the next morning or the following evening.

4. I don’t expect you to be me, I just want you to be “naked and smiling“:   Haha.  This one made me laugh.  He just likes me to be naked…. ;)  Then again, it can’t be a forced smile…

5.  Meeting a sexual need doesn’t always mean intercourse:  he tells me this all the time.  One of these days, I will get it.

How does it work in your household?  Are you HDS or LDS?

Is Today the most Dangerous day in your marriage?

First, let me post-Mother’s day say Happy Mother’s Day to all moms out there…. grandmoms, aunts, and any and all women who “mother” or mentor children.   You are a blessing to our world.

I scanned an article today that I didn’t really think about before… the day after Mother’s Day being the most dangerous day of your marriage.   Why?  Well, if Mom had certain expectations of the day, and they weren’t met, the day after could be holy hell for her hubby and kids.

I have a great group of women that I am a part of two different “Birthclub” boards with.  Our children are all turning 10 either last month or this month.   I love these ladies.  They are like “sisters from another mister” if you know what I mean.  On one board today, it already appeared…. the “Mother’s Day disappointment” thread.   I feel badly for the ladies who had a really bad “crappy” (their words) Mother’s day.

I am the mother of 2 great kids.  A 16 yo boy and a 10 yo girl.  To my daughter, every day is Mother’s Day.  “Mom, you’re the best.”  “Mom, I don’t know what I would do without you.”  “Mom, I love doing things for you.”  “Here, Mom, this is for you.” … the boy, well I love him to death, but he’s got a bit of Aspergers in him, so unless I am talking about baseball (his latest fascination), then I might as well be invisible.  That’s okay.  I do try to remain interested in what he is interested in when I can.   My DH of almost 18 years asks the week before Mother’s Day… “What do you want for Mother’s Day?”  Not really wanting a gift, I say, “A hug from our son would be great.”   SO, on Mother’s Day…. I got my hug from the boy, a gift from the kids (Les Miserable!), dinner out the night before, a Doobie Brother’s concert this past Friday from DH.  I feel really blessed and appreciated.   But not many ladies on that birthclub board…. at this posting, there are 24 rants on their about husbands…. I really feel badly for those men.

Here’s my thing.  My blessing is that God made me a mother.   Yes, it’s nice to be appreciated, but even if the kids and DH forgot year after year, I know that God knows, watches and appreciates.    There are so many women in this world that cannot be a mother for one reason or another…. or choose to not be a mother…. or have lost their mother.   It really seems like a dig at them to gripe and complain about not being appreciated as a mother.   At this stage of my life, if DH forgot, he wouldn’t need to worry about the Wrath of Spicy the next day.  (Isn’t that a movie?  LOL)  Our marriage is much stronger than that.    I am blessed in the fact that my husband does take the time to show appreciation, to remember what I like and what I dislike, and to encourage our kids to show their mom love and appreciation.  I thank God for him that I don’t have to complain about a crappy day with him at all.   No, we’re not perfect, but we take the time to really read each other.

So which category do you fall in after Mother’s Day (if you are a mother) … the “Tell me all the crappy things he didn’t do for me” or the “I am so blessed to be his wife and their mother” camp?  Should women really make their husbands suffer the day after Mother’s Day if they don’t get the appreciation and gifts they expect?