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Ten Things to Never Say During a Fight

I read articles on Yahoo, since that is where my email is, and I came across this one about what not to say during a fight.     Now, granted, I am blessed that my husband and I don’t fight often at all.   We may have disagreements, but they are usually settled in a reasonable fashion without raised voices or heated arguments.   BUT there have been occasions, especially in light of my parents situations, where I have not been my best.  Yes, right after I got the news, the very next day I did explode on my husband.   One of those that I realized the next morning, that I really did him wrong, and it wasn’t his fault kinda things, and I apologized.  (Yes, I let the sun go down on my anger, too)  After reading this, I am guilty of using some of these in the past though.

“I want a divorce” -  not in these words, but I have said something to the effect maybe I should leave and stay where I go…. definitely not a winner on my part.

“I am not mad at you” – I think I have learned enough “I’m not mad, I am disappointed.” or other catch phrases.  Body language holds a big thing in this.  I have rolled my eyes.  Slammed doors.    It’s always best to cool down before entering into a discussion about what is upsetting you.

“You are just like your father.” – I am so guilty of saying this in the past.   He doesn’t like this one single bit.  He doesn’t consider  himself anything like his father nor does he ever want to be considered like his father.  He’s his own man.   There are times I DO see traits in him that his father displays, but it’s best not to even go down that road in a fight… it makes it worse in my house.

“You’re such a jerk/coward/expletive of choice” – name calling just isn’t right.  It cuts people to the core.  Remember the old saying as kids, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”?   Well, words hurt MORE than any broken bone. It’s just best to give yourself a timeout to catch your breath and get in a better place if you’ve let yourself go this far.

“Look, now the baby is upset, too” – not just babies get upset when parents argue…kids of ALL ages do.  I am sure it would upset our 10 and 17 year old to hear us fight.   Which is why if we do, they are not in the room or we leave the room.   Or we just again give ourself a timeout to cool off.

“You did the same thing last time” – there is no sense in bringing things up over and over again.  If you’ve forgiven last time, then don’t bring it back up.  It proves to your spouse that you didn’t really forgive in the first place.

“You’re always late” – I tell my kids to stop using “always” and “never” in an argument because they aren’t always true!

“Why are you mad?” – He’s allowed to have a bad day, just like you are.   Give some berth, time to cool down.   With my hubby, it’s probably that his favorite baseball team screwed something up and he’s just in a mood for a bit.  It passes.  We have our emotions, too, and it would irk us to always be asked that question, too.  Not worth opening Pandora’s box…once it’s open, you can’t put it back.

“You need to talk to me right now” – Um, no.  I don’t.  Maybe I need a timeout.  Maybe he needs a time out.  Maybe you should just make an appointment to talk later.   You might get wrath that makes things worse.  People don’t like being told what to do… they like to be asked.

“This is all your fault.” – again, just like never and always, it is NEVER all his fault.  It takes two to tango.  And a lot of time when I might *feel* like it is his fault, and God opens my heart and my eyes to see that, nope, part of the fault may be mine, or ALL of the fault may be mine… I just don’t want to accept that I could be at fault.

All 10 of these can be damaging to your sex life… go to bed mad and intimacy goes right out the door.   Unless it is for make up sex. ;)

What are your thoughts?

HDS vs LDS

This article drew my attention by just the title.   Contrary to popular belief, the HDS (high drive spouse) isn’t always the husband.   In my household, I am the LDS (low drive spouse).   A lot of what he talked about in the article really rings true.  I know all of those things.  I have heard my hubby say them many times.

Here are the 5 things the HDS feels:

1.  It’s part of who I am:  God created my DH special and unique.  His HDS is a part of that.

2. I can’t just turn it off:  When I went through my refusing years, I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just turn it off.  I was tired and didn’t feel like making love.  Why wasn’t he tired, too?  It wasn’t until I realized it was how God created him that I tried to be more understanding and thinking more of what his needs were.

3.  The pain of “no” becomes too hard to hear after awhile:  He’s told me that many times.   I try now to not say no, but say when we can do it…. not in 2015, but maybe the next morning or the following evening.

4. I don’t expect you to be me, I just want you to be “naked and smiling“:   Haha.  This one made me laugh.  He just likes me to be naked…. ;)  Then again, it can’t be a forced smile…

5.  Meeting a sexual need doesn’t always mean intercourse:  he tells me this all the time.  One of these days, I will get it.

How does it work in your household?  Are you HDS or LDS?

Is Today the most Dangerous day in your marriage?

First, let me post-Mother’s day say Happy Mother’s Day to all moms out there…. grandmoms, aunts, and any and all women who “mother” or mentor children.   You are a blessing to our world.

I scanned an article today that I didn’t really think about before… the day after Mother’s Day being the most dangerous day of your marriage.   Why?  Well, if Mom had certain expectations of the day, and they weren’t met, the day after could be holy hell for her hubby and kids.

I have a great group of women that I am a part of two different “Birthclub” boards with.  Our children are all turning 10 either last month or this month.   I love these ladies.  They are like “sisters from another mister” if you know what I mean.  On one board today, it already appeared…. the “Mother’s Day disappointment” thread.   I feel badly for the ladies who had a really bad “crappy” (their words) Mother’s day.

I am the mother of 2 great kids.  A 16 yo boy and a 10 yo girl.  To my daughter, every day is Mother’s Day.  “Mom, you’re the best.”  “Mom, I don’t know what I would do without you.”  “Mom, I love doing things for you.”  “Here, Mom, this is for you.” … the boy, well I love him to death, but he’s got a bit of Aspergers in him, so unless I am talking about baseball (his latest fascination), then I might as well be invisible.  That’s okay.  I do try to remain interested in what he is interested in when I can.   My DH of almost 18 years asks the week before Mother’s Day… “What do you want for Mother’s Day?”  Not really wanting a gift, I say, “A hug from our son would be great.”   SO, on Mother’s Day…. I got my hug from the boy, a gift from the kids (Les Miserable!), dinner out the night before, a Doobie Brother’s concert this past Friday from DH.  I feel really blessed and appreciated.   But not many ladies on that birthclub board…. at this posting, there are 24 rants on their about husbands…. I really feel badly for those men.

Here’s my thing.  My blessing is that God made me a mother.   Yes, it’s nice to be appreciated, but even if the kids and DH forgot year after year, I know that God knows, watches and appreciates.    There are so many women in this world that cannot be a mother for one reason or another…. or choose to not be a mother…. or have lost their mother.   It really seems like a dig at them to gripe and complain about not being appreciated as a mother.   At this stage of my life, if DH forgot, he wouldn’t need to worry about the Wrath of Spicy the next day.  (Isn’t that a movie?  LOL)  Our marriage is much stronger than that.    I am blessed in the fact that my husband does take the time to show appreciation, to remember what I like and what I dislike, and to encourage our kids to show their mom love and appreciation.  I thank God for him that I don’t have to complain about a crappy day with him at all.   No, we’re not perfect, but we take the time to really read each other.

So which category do you fall in after Mother’s Day (if you are a mother) … the “Tell me all the crappy things he didn’t do for me” or the “I am so blessed to be his wife and their mother” camp?  Should women really make their husbands suffer the day after Mother’s Day if they don’t get the appreciation and gifts they expect?

#1 Thing Men Want More Of…. answer will surprise you!

Okay, well that is according to this article that I recently read, but honestly, it doesn’t surprise me.   Men say they want MORE communication!   Yes, you read that correctly.

Based on survey results from more than 70,000 respondents, the new book, The Normal Bar, provided a number of surprises. But the most surprising result I read about was when men in unhappy relationships were asked what they want most from their partners that they’re not getting. The authors/researchers expected to find that sex topped the list, but it didn’t make the top two.

Male respondents instead want more and better communication, saying their partners don’t listen to them attentively enough. Coming in second, they wanted more affection. In third place, they said they desired more sex.

Now, honestly, I will have to admit, that I didn’t think #1 was sex, but RESPECT.  I know that respect is HUGE for a man.  If he doesn’t feel respected, it really hurts him.  I know my husband feels that way, but I also know communication can be one of our weak points in our marriage,too at times, so I could see it being an important one as well.

What are your thoughts?  If you posed this question to your husband…”What is one thing in our marriage you want MORE of?” what would he say?   What do you need more of in your marriage?

Being Sexually Playful While Clothed….

I am definitely into reading because I know there are several areas where I am totally weak when it comes to initiation in bed, allowing myself to be sexual, and flirting with the intention of fulfilling his desires.   So this article peaked my interest…. 5 Ways to Be Sexually Playful While Clothed .  That is MY kind of article!!  So after you read the article, let’s talk about it.

The main 5 points are:  (1) don’t take offense…. if he does something you aren’t comfortable, teach him what you would like him to do instead!  (2) code words … I believe we hit on this in a Monday’s Mission…. (3) become comfortable with sexual joking… I liked hers at the beginning of her article!  Great comeback!   (4) stop worrying about “what the kids will think”…. and (5) Get courageous with sexual playfulness.

Me?  I have slowly but surely gotten better about #1.  I used to FLINCH when he touched me anywhere when I wasn’t expecting it.  You would have thought I just got burned by a cattle prod!  Instead of encouraging him with what made me feel more comfortable at the time, I spent time making him feel it was wrong to be sexually attracted enough to me to pat my butt or touch my arm.    #2 I’ve been trying to come up with some good ones.   But if I use one, I need to be prepared to follow through!  #3  sometimes my jokes aren’t funny, but I am willing to work on it!  #4 i think I am SO much better about that than I used to be.  So much better!  #5 That is still sometimes out of my comfort zone, so I think I need tutoring on that one … I really think it’s the Aspie in me that makes me just not get how to do it.   I’ll work on it.

So how about you?  Are you strong in any of these areas?  Did you have an “A HA!” moment on one?   Let me hear your thoughts!

 

 

Flirting with your husband

Okay, I know personally, this is something I need to get better at.  I think the Aspie in me finds it really hard to get out of my comfort zone at times with my hubby, and I am trying to break free of this.

Then I read this article that I read from The Marriage Bed’s Facebook page.  (Seven Ways to Flirt with Your Husband)   I remember trying a few of these a long time ago!!  (Yes, I put panties in his tuba case…. when he pulled out a mouthpiece to play it, he pulled out panties….)   I also put them in his glove box once, too, I think…. or maybe over his rear view mirror…. well, I definitely don’t want him to get fired, so maybe texts or post it notes it shall be!

It gave me some new ideas on how to flirt with my hubby, but surely we can come up with more than 7.   What things do YOU do to flirt with your hubby?  I’ve squeezed his bottom in public ;-) and I have also kissed him for no apparent reason other than he just needed kissed.  What works for you?

Best…Husband…Ever….

Wives can’t change their husbands, but wives can and do have a tremendous influence on their husbands. How can you make that influence positive?
Men respond positively to praise.

One of the most common complaints men make in my office is: “Dr. Chapman, in my work I am respected. People come to me for advice. But at home, all I get is criticism.” What she considers suggestions, he reads as criticism. Her efforts to stimulate growth have backfired.

 The fastest way to influence a husband is to give him praise. Praise him for effort, not perfection. You may be asking, But if I praise him for mediocrity, will it not stifle growth? The answer is a resounding “No.” Your praise urges him on to greater accomplishments.

 My challenge is to look for things your husband is doing right and praise him. Praise him in private, praise him in front of the children, praise him in front of your parents and his parents, praise him in front of his peers. Then stand back and watch him go for the gold.

Requests are more productive than demands. 

None of us like to be controlled, and demands are efforts at controlling. “If you don’t mow the grass this afternoon, then I’m going to mow it.” I wouldn’t make that demand unless you want to be the permanent lawn mower. It is far more effective to say, “Do you know what would really make me happy?” Wait until he asks, “What?” Then say, “If you could find time this afternoon to mow the grass. You always do such a great job.”

Let me illustrate by applying the principle to you. How do you feel when your husband says “I haven’t had an apple pie since the baby was born. I don’t guess I’m going to get any more apple pies for eighteen years”?  Now, doesn’t that motivate you? But what if he says, “You know what I’d really like to have? One of your apple pies. You make the best apple pies in the world. Sometime when you get a chance, I’d really love one of your apple pies. Chances are he’ll have an apple pie before the week is over. Requests are more productive than demands.

Love is a two way street. 
If a wife wants to enhance her husband’s ability to give her emotional love, perhaps her greatest influence will be in loving him. In my book, The 5 Love Languages, I talk about the importance of discovering your husband’s primary love language – the thing that really makes him feel loved: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, physical touch, or acts of service. Once you discover it, pour it on. Husbands are drawn to wives who are meeting their emotional need for love.

Can you do it, even if he is not loving you. God did. He loved us when we were unlovely. But that’s God. I’m me. I know, but you are God’s child and He can empower you to love an unlovely spouse. I’ve seen it many times. A wife chooses to speak her husband’s love language, even though she doesn’t feel loved by him. He warms up and in time begins expressing her love language. Can emotional love be re-born in a marriage? You bet. But someone must begin the process. Why not you?

Defensiveness reveals the inner self.
A wife says, “Why does my husband get so defensive? All I have to do is mention that the grass needs mowing and he goes ballistic.”

This husband is revealing his self-esteem hot spot. Some experience in his past has tied his sense of self worth to mowing the grass. Your mention of the grass translates “She thinks I’m not doing my job. I work like crazy, and now she is on my case about the grass.” He sees it as a negative statement about his worth.

I know you didn’t mean it that way. That’s why I suggesting you observe his defensiveness, so that you can learn what is going on inside of him. We don’t know these emotional hot spots until we touch one. It would be a good idea to make a list of all your husband’s defensive reactions. Note what you said and did and how he responded. This insight will help you discover another way to discuss the topic that will be less threatening to his self-esteem.

Both husbands and wives hold a tremendous influence on their spouse. However, it is up to you whether your influence is positive.

From Dr. Gary Chapman’s Love Language Moments