A reader who needs help

This reader’s question has to do with her past getting in the way of her intimacy with her husband…She made some bad decisions with her sexuality as a teen, and it interferes with her current marriage bed.  Here’s a few snippets of her question….

I got married to a wonderful godly man when my twins were 2.5 years old and we now have 2 more kids. We have been married for 5 years and I have been to counseling a few times for my past. For the past year, I have really struggled with giving up control in our sexual intimacy. I feel like if I do, then feelings and memories will come back when my husband touches me. There have been times when he has touched me and it hasn’t felt good, even though other times, he touches me the same way and it’s enjoyable like it should be. How do I give up control so my husband and I can enjoy sex the way God describes it

I have no past experience in the extent of her experiences, which include, unfortunately, rape.  BUT I do know the feeling of letting my PAST get in the way of my PRESENT and FUTURE.  I had multiple partners before marrying my husband.   There were things I did with them that I was not proud of.   There were times when it felt like the Holy Spirit was SCREAMING at me not to sleep with the guy, but I did it anyway.   Crazy stuff.  Crazy.   But for a while, it really interfered with my sex life.  I don’t have really any answers, only that it took time for God to patiently wait for me to be ready for the truth.  Until then, I believed a lot of Satan’s lies about me and intimacy with my husband.   Communicate as much as you feel comfortable with your husband about your past and issues that are popping up.   I am not sure how compassionate he would be about it, but remember he chose you.  He loves you.  He wants to be intimate with you, so I pray that he will be patient, loving and helpful as you pray and work through all this with your counselor.

Any help or suggestions from my faithful readers?  I know she would appreciate any help you can offer her.

4 thoughts on “A reader who needs help

  1. Hi…I have been through sexual abuse all growing up from several different men including my own father. I know we worship a very sovereign God and he is capable of doing things we are unable to do. I have had many sexual relationships prior to becoming Christian and never really had too much issue with sex until I got married to a Christian man after giving my life to Christ.

    There are times still that I struggle to allow my husband to touch me in certain ways but something that I do to overcome that is PRAY my heart out to God that I will learn to enjoy his sweet caresses and allow him the opportunity to enjoy me, that is one reason why he married me….Also I hold back from pulling away or pushing him away. I let him do it anyway knowing that his intentions are good and even though I may not enjoy it, it is good for our marriege and it makes him happy! I have been praying to God to fix my heart and fix my mind. Though I do not have much problem with sexual intimicy because of abuse I do still have problems because of setting up walls towards sexual intimicy. I am trying to break down those walls and enjoy my marriage.

    One thing you could do is read some good books about sexual intimicy. Buy games that encourage sexual intimicy but having fun at the same time such as Monogomy! That will change the perspective. You could read the Word and what it says about sexual intimicy and how a woman should feel and act and what they should say. I was recommended Song of Solomon.

    I hope and pray for the best for you and your marriage. Remember it is not all about how you feel but it is overcoming it by letting go of inhibitions and strongholds and handing them over to God allowing yourself to be free!

  2. Wow, boy can I relate. I understand the pain and hurt associated with being violated. I was sexually molested as a child and the memories and scars crossed over into my marriage. No matter how you try to shake it, feelings of insecurity, fear, anxiety and yes control issues affect your relationship with your spouse. I didn’t like being touched and my personal space was always a problem when it came to intimacy. I had a difficult time trying to communicate how I felt and what I really wanted. That created a wedge between my husband and myself and that was a huge problem. Although we loved each other, I was pushing him away by not letting him in…emotionally, physically as well as spiritually.

    Before long I realized I had a problem and needed help. I prayed about it… a lot. It wasn’t fair to my DH and I had to share with him what I went through and why I was acting the way I was towards him when we made love. Yes, you run the risk of reliving your nightmare but it’s worth it. This is the man you married, the one you said you would take for better or for worse. My advice to you is, “Get intimate.” Intimacy is really saying, “In To Me See.” Let him see you and share with him your past so that you can enjoy your future. Pray together and watch God take your hurt, pain and sorrow and trade it for His joy and peace. All things are possible to him that believes. We serve an awesome God who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we can ask or think and that covers a lot.

    I’m a survivor of incest and want to encourage you. After 25years of marriage and four children later; I’m a work in progress but I’m enjoying a now healthy sexual relationship with my DH…the way God intended it to be. There is hope for you and my prayers are with you.

  3. Prayer, trust, forgiveness, self-affirmation, honesty, and communication. Continue counseling and try couples counseling. Any sexual contact pre-marriage is so terribly difficult to erase from your memory banks. Being with a man you can trust is one of the most important beginnings. Intimacy in marriage is so important to get right and to work on… because when the spurned partner doesn’t understand the problems, it leads to hurt and feelings of rejection, even when we don’t intend that. Another hard thing to do is to forgive yourself (for unwise sexual decisions before marriage) and forgive others who abused you in any way. Holding on to resentments is like taking poison and wishing the other person would die. Through time in the scripture be reminded how precious you are to your heavenly Father and that he fearfully and wonderfully made you (Psalm 139) and he wants you to delight yourself in your partner. You have to love yourself and affirm your own worth to meet your partner in intimacy. Don’t stop praying!

  4. I too have been sexually abused and led a promiscuous life until I got saved. Reminding us of the past is Satan’s tactics to hinder our future. If you wanna win the battle, you have to get a reign on your mind. Your mind needs to be renewed by Gods word. The more you meditate (speak it out loud) on it the more successful you will be. I struggled in this area until the Lord revealed that to me. Also the Lord showed me that I am the only woman in the world who could please my huband. And when I please my husband I please Him (God), because my husband is my head and he’s been made in the image of God. When you start thinking differently, you will behave and respond differently. Once you win the battle over your mind you will coquer all things. For the Glory of God we are marriage counselors and have been used to restore many marriages.
    Let the mind of God be in you as it was in Christ Jesus.
    I pray this helps. God bless.

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